Cheers!

So if you ever wondered, wondered what ever became of me ... we are indeed, as promised, in London.

Had a great Christmas in Newton, then took a circuitous, but pleasant enough flight to Heathrow via Chicago. We're having a tremendous time which I will tell you all about when we return.

Um ... that's it for now. Somewhat of an odd way to end the year, though, again, if anyone wants to guest blog before I return on the fourth, lemme know. I am checking email ...

Wow, now that was just pitiful ...

Love and Happy New Year

Yule Tube

A little holiday film festival for you.

A Year Without a Santa Claus is, in my opinion, a lesser Rankin and Bass project. But The Snow Miser and Heat Miser songs are pretty good.






Judy Garland singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with some key footage inserted.




Cut from the DVD of "A Muppet Family Christmas," Fozzie and Snowman duet on a new version of "Sleighride



The Muppets and John Denver on "Twelve Days"


The ending of the Bert and Ernie "Gift of the Magi" riff from "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street." The whole special is here.



I don't love A Nightmare Before Christmas, but "What's This" is a good song.


The performance of "All I Want for Christmas is You" from Love Actually, which frustratingly cuts off before the audience sees the Prime Minister making out with his girlfriend.



followed by the best "chase to the airport" scene in movie history



Some guy doing standup about Christmas



Linus explains what Christmas is all about.




With some overlap, it's the ending to It's a Wonderful Life. Watch the first one until George comes home, then switch to the second.

Many Many Many Many Many Words About Christmas Carols

I haven’t written than much about Christmas this year. It probably just took me longer to get into the spirit, because, well, when you see palm trees every day, it just doesn’t scream “Yuletide.”

But I’m psyched now. I’m working another office job, something I’ve been at for three weeks … so it feels a little weird taking part in the Holly-Jolly goings-on. I have been given a great deal of candy, which I hope will survive the trip to Boston, ‘cause it would be darned unwise of me to eat it all myself.

As I mentioned the other day, I’ve been trying to get a lot of Christmas music into my noggin, which is sometimes an uphill climb. Thanks to the magic of Itunes, I’ve bought a ton of it, even, yes, the Chipmunk Song … I may have lost my mind.

Anyway, we never did settle what counts as a Christmas Carol and what is just a song. Okay, let’s get really picky.

DEFINITELY, WITHOUT QUESTION, CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Obviously, if a song is of a certain age and written with church singing in mind, and has a religious theme, it’s definitely a carol.

"Angels We Have Heard on High"
I’ve been hearing versions that pronounce “excelsis” with a soft C, like the modern pronunciation of “excelsior.” Dammit, no! This is Church Latin and we pronounce it like CH

"Away in a Manger"
A beautiful song, of course, but a bit slow. That doesn’t bother me in “Silent Night” for some reason. I dunno, is this anyone’s favorite carol? Or is it sort of the utility infielder of Christmas carols – you’re glad it’s there, but you might not notice if it was gone? Anyway, I was intrigued to learn that the manger is only mentioned in Luke. None of the other books deal that much with the specifics of Jesus’s birth. As a kid, like many people, I thought that a manger was a stable, as in “There’s no room at the inn, we’ll have to stay in this manger.” No, they stayed in a stable, they placed the baby in the manger, a food trough.

"The First Noël"
Some time ago I wondered if the word “certain” in the phrase “certain poor shepherds” was a verb or an adjective. I’m pretty sure it’s an adjective because the same phrase appears unambiguously in …

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
“and unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same.” I like this one. Lively, and the only carol I can think of that mentions Satan. The only other holiday song with a villain that I can think of is “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.”

"Good Christian Men, Rejoice"
One of so many of these where I can sing the first two lines and then …

"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
A great one, and fast enough that you can get away with not singing it well. I also like it because it includes the word Emmanuel which is almost my second middle name (Emanuel).


"It Came Upon the Midnight Clear"
Huh … I had always though it was “… a Midnight Clear.” Apparently, both titles are acceptable. This is a lovely piece, not hurt at all by the fact that it was recently a number one Adult Contemporary single for Hall & Oates.


"Joy to the World"
Hey, it says it’s gonna be a joyful song and it delivers. Nobody ever sings the third verse, which has weird lyrics: “No more let sins and sorrows grow/Nor thorns infest the ground/He comes to make His blessings flow/Far as the curse is found/Far as the curse is found/Far as, far as, the curse is found.”


"O Come All Ye Faithful" ("Adeste Fideles")
Yes, I like to sing it in Latin. Why? Because I’m awesome.

"O Holy Night"
In all honesty, not one of my favorites. Alternately plodding -- “A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices”-- and aggressive -- “Fall on your knees!” -- it just doesn’t click for me. Big plus – the English version was translated in 1855 by an American Unitarian minister who snuck in some abolitionist sentiment: “Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother”

"O Little Town of Bethlehem"
See, I’m fickle. This one is also slow and quiet, but I love it, as do I love …

"Silent Night! Holy Night!"
A beautiful story behind this – But I’ll let John Denver tell you.

"We Three Kings Of Orient Are"
I’m gonna write a sketch about what a bringdown the third king is. “Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfum/Breathes a life of gathering gloom;/Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,/Sealed in the stone cold tomb.” Yeah, you really need to blast out the “Star of Wonder, Star of Light” part after that to make up for it. I can’t seem to find any listing of which king brought which gift. I don’t trust Caspar, personally.


"What Child Is This?"
Well, it’s cheating a little to just write new lyrics to “Greensleeves” and claim it’s a Christmas Carol. Sort of the Billy Mack approach.


SONGS THAT ARE PROBABLY CHRISTMAS CAROLS, BUT THERE’S SOME QUESTION

"Go Tell It on the Mountain"
It’s probably racist and Eurocentric to think this isn’t a carol. But it clearly does have a very different sound from what we think of as carols. Still, it fits the criteria.

"Good King Wenceslas"
Well, technically, this is a Boxing Day Carol, since the Feast of Stephen is December 26. Look, it’s about helping the poor, which was kind of a big thing with JC, so it definitely works. But technically, it’s not explicitly about the nativity, so … (Trivia: This song takes place in Bohemia)

“The Little Drummer Boy”
This song is only 48 years old, hence the questionable status. It also invents a character – there’s no mention of any drummer boys in the gospels. There is also the question of whether a rockin’ percussion solo is really that suitable a gift for a newborn. That aside, it’s still a great song and, man, does that ending work.

"Ding Dong Merrily on High"
This is one of those great Merrie Olde Englande songs … but you kinda gotta wonder if a genuine carol can include the words “ding dong.” I do like that this song goes from onamatopeia to Latin (hosanna in excelsis) in three lines.

"Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Wow does this one have a funky history. Written in 1962, it was first recorded by Bing Crosby (man, dude liked Christmas) on November 22, 1963. Have a look at that date again. Yeah. Yikes. I like that this is one of only a few carols with dialogue. Though I think most clergy would point out that the idea of a talking sheep is technically sacriligeous.

"Carol of the Bells"
Oh, it’s a carol but the words we sing are not a translation of the original Ukranian lyrics. And those don’t sound too Christmassy to me – “Your goods are great,
you will have a lot of money,/if not money, then chaff/You have a dark-haired wife.” Yeah, I think this one might be best left instrumental.

"Fum, Fum, Fum!"
I have no idea what this one is, but I love that it’s called “Fum, Fum, Fum!” The Beach Boys totally should have recorded a new version of this (“And we’ll have fum, fum, fum, till Herod takes our firstborn away!”)


SLIGHTLY MORE QUESTIONABLE AS CAROLS

"Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly"
Another in the “Merry Old” category. One of the most enjoyable of holiday songs, but is it a carol?

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"
Again, a non religious holiday song. I loved this one as a child, because I found memorizing it a challenge. My favorite version was the one from “John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together.” I bought the album a few years ago and I was dismayed to learn that the album version is not the same as the one on the special.
Here’s who sings which line in each …

Album
Twelve Drummers drumming – Kermit
Eleven Pipers piping – Beauregard
Ten Lords a-leaping – Statler and Waldorf
Nine Ladies dancing – Bunsen and Beaker
Eight maids a-milking -- Rowlf
Seven swans a-swimming – Lew Zealand
Six geese a-laying – Scooter
Five golden rings -- Piggy
Four calling birds -- Robin
Three french hens -- Gonzo
Two turtle doves -- Fozzie
A partridge in a pear tree – John Denver

Special
Twelve Drummers drumming -- Animal
Eleven Pipers piping -- Floyd
Ten Lords a-leaping – Statler and Waldorf
Nine Ladies dancing -- Janice
Eight maids a-milking -- Rowlf
Seven swans a-swimming -- Fozzie
Six geese a-laying -- Scooter
Five golden rings -- Piggy
Four calling birds --Robin
Three french hens -- Gonzo
Two turtle doves and -- Kermit
A partridge in a pear tree – John Denver

If you don’t remember them, Beauregard was the neurotic janitor and Lew Zealand was the guy with the boomerang fish.

I prefer the special version, I think. More humor, with Fozzie always forgetting to sing his verse, and Kermit gets to sing more. Plus, you gotta love Animal singing “Twelve Drummers.” Somehow I had misremembered it that Statler and Waldorf sang “Nine Ladies Dancing” with a lascivious lilt. Maybe I was just thinking what nefarious purposes gonzo had for his three French hens.

The only plus for the album version, I’d say, is the presence of Bunsen and Beaker.


"O Tannenbaum" ("O Christmas Tree")
The lack of religious lyrics is one blow, another is that the tune is also used for the state song of Maryland (and Florida, and Michigan) and the official song of the British Labour Party. This is Amanda’s cell phone ring tone, year round.

"Here We Come a-Wassailling"
Really, it’s a song ABOUT Christmas Carols, which makes it pretty meta … I have to wonder, just why are “the leaves so green” at Christmas?

"I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In"
Considered by some to be a kids’ folk song song, due to the repetitive lyrics. I’m a little unclear on what “Our Savior Christ and his Lady” means … has Jesus brought a date to this heretofore unheard of sailing expedition?

"We Wish You A Merry Christmas"
More British merriment … the demand for dessert seems a little much, though …

SOME PEOPLE WOULD DISAGREE, BUT I SAY THIS IS PROBABLY NOT A CHRISTMAS CAROL

“Jingle Bells”
I mean, really …


Maybe later … Songs that are PROBABLY not and DEFINITELY not carols …

I know the title of the next Harry Potter!

do you?

You could be a loser and check Wikipedia or something, or you could ...

Go to JKRowling.com

Click for English

Click on the eraser. You will be taken to another area.

Click on the first doorknob in the mirror, you will see something seasonal

Click on the top section of the regular door. You will see something seasonal.

Click on the top part of the mirror. Again, festiveness reigns.

Click on the spider web in the lower left. All the webs will disappear.

Click on the fourth wind chime. It will turn into a key.

Drag the key to the lock to open the door. The door will open.

You will see a present. Click the ribbon to unwrap it.

Inside is a game of Hangman. Click it to play and you can figure out the name of the next book.

Sigh ... I'm gonna miss this series.

THOTS: A track called "My Sweet Babboo" wouldn't seem out of place on her album ...

Oh, ‘tis the final THOTS entry of 2006 … we’ve had some good times, haven’t we. Like that time I made a fairly obvious joke about some 80s cultural touchstone, or that time I said something factually inaccurate, or that time I told you a story from my life with no punchline … good times.

Just so’s y’know … on Saturday, Amanda and I will be flying out to Boston for Christmas in my grandmother’s house in Newton. Sadly, this will be the last year in the old family house – Grandma is finally selling it to move into a retirement community. I’ve spent part of every holiday season there every year of my life, and it will be a big change. But I’m upbeat about it. 30 years is a good run for me, and the house has been in the family a lot longer than that. As important as the memories of all the grandchildren coming down the stairs together are, and as much as no other mantel will ever look quite the same with stockings on it, the really important memories about the holiday are the times with family, which will continue (I hope) wherever we spend the holiday. Let’s just make sure we go out on a high note.

Following that, we're off to London for a week -- a former coworker of Amanda's lives there, but is coming back to the states for a while and her house is available. So we're all over that. As always, if anyone is interested in guest-blogging ... lemme know.

Addition to the blogroll -- Matthew J. Nichols is an excellent actor, singer, and now director and producer, who was an acting student at Brandeis during my grad school years. He was excellent as Ted, the obnoxious cheating husband, in the earliest readings of AN INTERVENTION FOR ISAAC. In particular, he had great chemistry with Britney Burgess who played his saracastic wife. It was a great portrayal of a broken marriage, rendered all the more impressive by the fact that Matthew and Britney are actually a strong, loving couple and have been for some time.



They’ve started a new theatre company in New York, called Zoootopia … hmm … I wonder if they’re looking for a good ensemble, one-set dramatic comedy …
Anyway, Matt has a blog now, called Crabdaddy’s. I don’t quite now how to characterize it, it’s mostly personal stories and musings, though I’m sure it will soon be full of stories about starting your own theatre. It also gave me the idea to search for “Noah got arrested for" on Google and see what shows up. Just oen result, but it’s awesome “Noah got arrested for the televised thrashing of El Greco.” though, when I click the link, I see it’s just a soap opera summary. Though, when I change it to “Noah was arrested,” I get …


“Noah was arrested for the murder during his wedding ceremony with Julia.”
“Without evidence of self-defense, Noah was arrested for Louie’s murder on the day he was to marry Julia.”
NOAH was arrested for being under the influence of a controlled. substance and possession of less then an ounce of marijuana.
”On what was supposed to be his wedding day to Julia, Noah was arrested for the murder of Louie Grecco.”

Dammit, this soap opera character is ruining my rep!


And now, extra long, semi-holiday THOTS.

POSSIBLE CELEBRITY SIGHTING (both that it’s possible that we saw him and it’s possible that you might consider him a celebrity): Troy Evans, who plays Frank, the cranky front desk guy on “ER,” held the door for us at the post office as we were going in and he was coming out.

I’ve mentioned the revived Cracked magazine once or twice here. You may remember Cracked as one of several knock-offs of Mad Magazine, but recently its reinvented itself as a hipper, pop-culture and satire magazine for Gens-X and Y. I’ve never actually bought an issue, but the website has a bunch of fun stuff, especially Tim Kochenderfer’s series of “Notes on the First Draft of”s. My favorites are Casino Royale and Superman Returns. Kochendorfer, a playwright, who shares a publisher with me, by the way, manages to do smart satire without being nasty -- a rarity for this decade.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was doing some research on Tom Cruise in order to write a joke. I was intrigued to see that his Wikipedia entry had been vandalized so that his name always appeared as “Fairypants McKissboys.” Later that day, I saw where the vandals got the idea.

Well, we all knew it was coming: legal confirmation that the guy who writes and draws Mallard Filmore is an asshole.

If you tuned in to my last THOTS entry when it was first posted, you saw this:

I’m glad that Burger King has brought back “The King” as a character. But what about the other characters from the Burger Kingdom – Sir Shakes-a-Lot! The Wizard! The Duke of Doubt! The Burger Thing! They apparently don’t even appear in the new crappy video games you can buy at BK. Oh, and for some reason “The Wizard” was a robot.

Followed by several pictures, one of which was a person using his hands to spread his buttocks apart and display his gaping anus, inscribed with the legend “This asshole steals pictures.”

Well, all right then … clearly, that’s not what I meant you to see, and clearly that’s why that THOT went away. I know some people frown upon hotlinking, hence they set up things like that, though it was an aspect of netiquette I never took very seriously. But no more … I shall never link to photos that don’t belong to me … or to a major corporate site that doesn’t seem to mind.

Anyway, here are the photos I was attempting to show:


















See, it’s not like they’re even interesting pictures.

Because the weather is very dry out here, Amanda bought some soap with a lot of moisturizer. Apparently, more moisturizer than I need, because after a shower and thorough rinsing with it, I feel as if I have been lubed for some manner of nefarious insertion.

Okay, not to toot my own horn, but this was a recent cartoon for the New Yorker
caption contest:

and here are the nominees for best caption:

“Son, we finally attracted the fifty-foot-and-over demographic!”
Submitted by Joel Herm
Oregon, Wis.

"You know, I couldn't have done it without your mother."
Submitted by Scott Fitzpatrick
Westfield, N.J.

“Son, one day all this will be yours. Except her.”
Submitted by Michael Embley
Tiburon, Calif.



Those are okay, but I think all three of the ones I submitted are better …

“’Take Your Child to Work Day’ got much more exciting after we hired Gargantua’s mom.”

“Her? Oh, she’s one of the Big Three.”

“Now there is a woman unaffected by the glass ceiling.”

Amanda and I were listening to “Fergilicious” the other day and we realized that both our names funflate with “delicious” much better than Fergie’s – “Noalicious” and especially “Amandelicious” have much better flow. But if we started using those words now, people would call us thieves …

Speaking of Fergie, did you know she used to voice Sally on Peanuts specials in her youth? I was all set to write about how she was Sally and Jeremy Miller (Ben Seaver on “Growing Pains”) was Linus and how ridiculous it sounds now that international sex symbol Fergie ever chased after answer-to-a-difficult-trivia-question Jeremy Miller, but it turns out their tenures as Peanuts voice performers didn’t overlap.

Speaking of Peanuts, if you haven’t already seen this redubbing of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” by the cast of “Scrubs” … here it is. A few cheap jokes, but overall as many laughs and as much heart as we’ve come to expect from “Scrubs.”

Hey Noah, did you know that the Tower Theatre in South Hadley, MA is once again doing midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show on weekends?

Um ... no. I didn't.

Hey, didn't you used to take part in Rocky screenings when you were in 10th grade? Didn't you play the Criminologist at that very same Tower Theatre, before they stopped doing the screenings after people set off the smoke detectors by smoking in the lobby?

Yeah, maybe ... it was a long time ago. I was a kid.

Hey, when you were home in Pelham for part of this summer, you didn't ever take in a screening of Rocky Horror, did you?

Me? No! That's for nerds and people who don't realize how bad they look in lingerie!

Oh, okay. Hey, did you know that the group of performers who stage the live show along with the movie, The Come Again Players, have a website with photos from every single performance?

Um ... No ... I didn't know that. How could I know that?

Would you care to identify the person sitting way off to the side, wearing a Red Sox hat, visible to the right of the girl in the white cap, in this photo of people doing "The Time Warp"?
















I'm not saying anything else until my lawyer gets here.

Speaking of Peanuts again, I saw “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown” again recently and I was dismayed to see that Lucy called Charlie Brown “Charlie” at some point. No! “Peppermint” Patty calls him “Chuck.” Snoopy calls him “That Round-Headed Kid” EVERYBODY ELSE CALLS HIM “CHARLIE BROWN”! No exceptions! I refuse to budge on this!

The Christmas season is weird. I had a hard time finding radio stations playing Christmas music for a while. I finally found one, and slowly figured out that it was a Christian Rock station (Fairly Subtle Nickname “The Fish”). The thing is, they play plenty of secular holiday music, too – “White Christmas,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” etc. – but then they’ll throw to commercial with “Celebrating the birth of our savior!”

Evidence that the Internet is a little too big: There is a website with a complete episode guide for “Win Ben Stein’s Money.” Here’s the page for the episode that featured my ignominious defeat – though, as I always point out, if the show was moving just a few seconds faster, I would have been asked one more follow-up question and possibly tied the eventual winner. Then who knows what would have happened in the tiebreaker.

SPOILERS FOR FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION AHEAD: Essentially I agree with the general sentiment that this is the weakest of Christopher Guest’s improvised movies, but it’s still pretty good. And yes, Catherine O’Hara deserves all kinds of awards for her performance -- hell, she deserves 'em just for the fact that she created her “plastic surgery” face with almost no makeup. But the real revelation for me was Rachael Harris. I didn’t recognize her at all as “Mary Pat Hooligan” to the extent that when she showed up later in the movie, glammed up and de-lesbianed, I thought it was her first appearance in the movie and wondered what had happened to the actress playing Mary Pat.

If Chamillionaire really liked tea, would his name be Chamomilionaire?

Postal-Crisis

Yes, another comic book post. This was supposed to be a THOT -- coming tomorrow -- but it got too long. And yes, I know the pun would work better for DC stamps ...

Last year, I discussed the DC Superheroes stamps the post office was putting out. Well, it’s Marvel’s turn in 2007 and here they are.







































First of all, the attribution of art credits is incorrect on quite a few of these,
as Mark Evanier points out here.

My thoughts …

Nice compromise using solo shots of a few characters from superteams but using their team book for the cover stamp, even though that means that Wolverine only appears once.

The Hulk stamp is okay, though, as Evanier explains, there’s a reason why his six pack is missing. The artist (Rich Buckler, not John Buscema) is definitely talented, though I probably would have preferred an artist more famously associated with the Hulk, like Herb Trimpe.

Like with Wonder Woman, last year, they went with a head shot of a superheroine, rather than a full body shot, and I wonder if they worried her costume was too sexy. Anyway, despite her recent revival, I think Spider-Woman is a pretty minor character, and not especially deserving of her own stamp. Obviously, Marvel wanted more female heroes represented, and they are, debatably, even worse with women than DC. And, like with Supergirl last year, they used a hero who is just “the female version” of an established male star.

And I’d say Elektra is an even more minor character. Still, she isn’t just “Girl Daredevil.” I also have to say that I completely hate this drawing. I know Frank Miller is talented and he has drawn some great stuff, but this just looks really ugly to me. Also notice that the two women in these solo shots look very passive. Hell, Elektra looks like she was distracted by a passing sparrow. At least they’re active looking in their cover images.

The two highest-profile Marvel heroines are probably Jean Grey and Storm. Would it be silly to have three X-Men stamps? Maybe. But you get good action shots of them by Byrne or Cockrum and then use this as the Storm cover …



















Keep the X-Men #1 for Jean and use a cool Wolverine cover like one of these…





















For “his cover”

Though, yes, that does give another male hero a solo cover and reduce all the heroines to group shots ... dammit, this is hard.

I’m glad my personal favorite artist, John Byrne, is represented, though it’s by a character with whom he’s not especially associated -- Iron Man.

Amazing Spider-Man #1 is an excellent cover, though it’s a bit odd that they chose to show their flagship character in what looks like a losing situation – you probably can’t read it, reduced, but he’s saying “The Fantastic Four think I’m trapped! But they don’t suspect my real power!” Also, it’s a little sad that this isn’t a pure Steve Ditko cover – it’s him inking Kirby. I’m pretty sure Ditko drew Spider-Man all by himself, though, since The King could never really figure out how to draw Spidey. I might have used this one instead:




















The Incredible Hulk #1 is also a great cover, though I really think it’s lame the way everyone glommed onto “The Hulk used to be gray!” Yeah, for one freakin’ issue. I think this one is more dynamic, anyway …




















though it is nice to have Bruce Banner depicted, too … and the one they used does capture the Atomic Age origin … okay, they probably made the right choice, but they should have used a different solo image.

Sub-Mariner #1 -- Great Sub-Mariner cover. I know some people would have liked something by Bill Everett, who created the character, but, well … other people drew the character better.

Fantastic Four #3 -- Good FF cover. It might have been nice to see one where everyone is using their powers, and maybe they coulda fit Doctor Doom on there …



















Captain America #100 Also a good choice. Now, you could make an argument for using Avengers #4, which is a more iconic image, and a slightly better, more dynamic cover …



















For some reason, they erased Iron Man from the cover of CA100 they used … not sure why. It is nice to include the Black Panther, since this is a pretty white group of heroes. I’m guessing that’s what made this one the choice.

The other covers are good, though, as I said, I think Storm and Phoenix should replace Spider-Woman and Elektra (though at least this way Nick Fury and Daredevil get a little love).

These stamps just won’t be as popular as the DC stamps. Sorry. Yeah, some people might not know who Green Arrow or Hawkman are, but just look at them – you get some idea. I imagine many people will be scratching their heads about who the Sub-Mariner is … after all, neither image shows him in an underwater context. I love Marvel’s characters, but postage stamps are about iconography, and this batch really goes to show that Marvel just doesn’t have as many iconic characters as DC.

The Chanukah Song -- Comic Book Creators Edition

I heard Adam Sandler's song recently and couldn't get it out of my head. This idea came to me and I posted it on a comic book message board. It went over well, so I thought I'd share it with you, even though I know most of you will have no idea what I'm talking about or who these people are.


Pick up a comic-a, here comes Chanukah
So much funica, to celebrate Chanukah.

Chanukah is a time of joy and cheer

Just like All-Star Batman, it comes but once a year
So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish, in the comic book industry

Guess who is … a Chanukah true believer
Before he was Stan Lee, he was Stanley Martin Leiber
You know who wears yarmulkes beneath their derbies?
Mr. Joe Simon and his majesty, Jack Kirby

Bill Finger was Jewish, and Bob Kane was, too
So whichever one created Batman, you know it was a Jew

You don’t need the North Pole, or Santa Claus Lane
When you can spin the dreidel with Will Eisner and Gil Kane (both Jewish!)

Pick up a comic-a, it’s time for Chanukah
Mort Weisinger and Marv Wolfmanica love to celebrate Chanukah

Jemas and Quesada … are both goys
Unlike Harvey Pekar and all three Kubert boys


Seigel and Shuster got those latkes rollin’
And ate them with Sol Brodsky, Julius Schwartz and Gene Colan
We’ve got Harvey Kurtzman, and William Gaines as well
Also Art Spiegelman, and the late great Martin Nodell


So many names, could fit into this song
Bendis celebrates Chanukah, maybe that’s why it lasts so long

Tell Betty and Veronica
It's time for Chanukah
Wonder Woman and the Amazonicas
Also love Chanukah
So don’t act too laconica.
Just play some electronica
If you really wannaka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah.

Peter Boyle 1935-2006

That's not long enough. There's a lot to be said about him, but let's just enjoy two of the funniest minutes in film history.

Amend!

If you haven’t heard, Bill Amend is ending his comic strip “Fox Trot” at the end of this year. It will continue as a Sunday feature, but the dailies are over.

I’ve been a fan of Fox Trot since it began in 1988. Shockingly, something about a suburban family with a science fiction and comic book obsessed child struck a chord with me when I was eleven … though by high school I probably identified more with the adolescent son, Peter.

The strip is not always hilarious, though few are. But it was smart, sharp, and drawn with a clear linearity that was remarkably effective for storytelling.

I’m certainly glad that we’ll get to see Andy, Jason, Paige, Pete and Roger (and Quincy and Marcus and Morton and Denise and …) once a week. But we will be deprived of ongoing plots, such as Peter trying to convince Denise that she doesn’t want to eat at the most expensive restaurant in town, or Paige accidentally letting a babysitting charge watch Jerry Springer (sorry, “Jerzy Spaniel”), or Roger being forced to play a clown for his boss’s son’s birthday, or Andy developing a Beanie Babies addiction (sorry, “Bitty Babies”) or Jason …

Well, Jason always had the most interesting adventures – whether it was suggesting ways for George Lucas to insert a character named “Darth Jason” into the Star Wars Special Editions, or writing to various comic strip artists with suggestions for cartoons that were usually cruel digs at his sister or being unable to see Jurassic Park because he couldn’t remove his giant dinosaur mask. Jason was a terrific geek barometer of American culture, a one-boy Wikipedia for nearly 20 years.

And of course, there’s Slug Man. Oh … Slug Mman …

A running bit was Jason’s self-produced comic book, Slug Man. The gastropod hero had a handful of Batman-esque adventures, usually battling Paige-o-tron. The character was semi popular and as a low key promotion, Amend created a Slug Man fan club. You sent in a self-addressed stamped envelope and you got a membership card and a limited edition Slug Man drawing … on, as Andy called it, fine Xerox stock. This happened when I was in high school and, of course, I was all over it. I sent in envelopes for myself and some friends (as I recall, I addressed Rob’s envelope to Project Quantum Leap … in case you were wondering why I did very little dating in high school). I also included a letter, ‘cause it seemed like the thing to do. In it, I addressed the Andrews & McMeel flunky who I assumed would be reading it. In fairly obnoxious teen speak, I wrote something like “I assume nobody’s going to read this, but just in case …” and went on to say that I was from Amherst (assuming they wouldn’t have heard of it) and that I too was a cartoonist, drawing, with Rob The Western Massachusetts Avengers.

A few weeks later, our fan club packets arrived. On the envelope for mine, in familiar lettering, was the following: “Your comic chars sound fun. You do know I went to Amherst College, right? Bill Amend.”

Well, this freakin’ blew my mind. Bill Amend answers his own mail? I assumed cartoonists like him spent all their non-drawing board time lounging on their yacht while supermodels fed them peeled grapes. I instantly regretted my snotty tone and my ignorance of Amend’s education (heck, he was even born in Northampton -- just like me!). My fondness for “Fox Trot” swiftly doubled.

So for this and more, I’m quite saddened that we won’t be seeing the Fox Family nearly as often. Thank you for the 18 years, Mr. Amend. You’ve done the old blanket-poisoner proud.

Here are some randomly assembled pixels I found online. Any resemblance they bear to “Fox Trot” cartoons is purely coincidental (I realize they’re heavy on the geek stuff … surprise – the strip isn’t geek-exclusive, honest. It’s just that that’s what gets scanned, y’know …) Click for full-size.

It's Friday Night in Hollywood!

Hey, it's already Tuesday night and Noah hasn't blogged yet!

Well, I've been working on a new spec. And, like I threatened, it's for "Studio 60."

Wanna read a really preliminary draft of the first half? Well, it's here.

Logical Extensions of "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"
(another submission rejected by McSweeney's)

Save the Cheer Squad, Save the Terrestrial Planets
Save the All-Regional Cheer/Spirit Team, Save the Solar System
Save the Tri-State Association of High School and Collegiate Cheering, Save the Galaxy
Save the National Commission for Cheer and Dance Teams, Save the Virgo Supercluster of Galaxies
Save the US All-Star Federation for Competitive Gymnastics, Dance and Cheerleading, Save the Universe

The Report Report

Here's this week's sketch. I meant to write one last week, but I was unexpectedly deprived of computer access, so ...

Again, not a host-specific sketch. I had an idea for something for Annette Bening -- she would play a newly-promoted executive who is shown her new office only to discover it has a literal glass ceiling. It's about four feet off the ground and she's expected to stay below it. She can't stand up straight and when her male coworkers come to the door, they look down on her. Funny idea, I think, but it's not goign to work in print, so here's this.

This is based on a real quote from Bush in which he said that he liked The Iraq Study Group Report: The Way Forward - A New Approach because it offered a way forward. It brought back memories of my old idea that Bush always sounds like a fifth grader trying to stretch a five minute oral presentation out to ten minutes.




Int. The Oval Office

Bush is sitting at his desk, staring into space. A secretary enters.

SECRETARY
Mr. President. Prime Minister Blair is here.

BUSH
Thank you, yes, send him in.

TONY BLAIR enters.

BLAIR
Mr. President.

BUSH
Tony, have a seat. Merry Christmas, or, as you say in England, Merry Old Christmas.

BLAIR
Yes, you as well. Now, let’s get to it.
(Holds a copy of the Iraq Study Group Report)
“The Iraq Study Group Report: The Way Forward - A New Approach.”

BUSH
Yeah, yeah. That’s what they call it.

BLAIR
Well, it’s a fascinating document. Certainly gave me a great deal to think about. And yourself?

BUSH
Yeah, well, I thought it was very interesting.

BLAIR
It certainly was that. But did you like it or …

BUSH
Oh, well I … I definitely liked some parts of it. Other parts I … found not so easy to like.

BLAIR
Well, let’s start with what you liked.

BUSH
(Looking at his own copy of the report)
Well, the thing I like most about “The Iraq Study Group Report: The Way Forward – A New Approach” is that it … well that it suggests a way forward. Obviously that’s the way we want to proceed, as opposed to taking a way backward, or in reverse, or any of the numerous sideways or diagonal directions that we might proceeded in. The other thing that I like about “The Way Forward – A New Approach” is that, in addition to offering a way forward, it also proposes a new approach. A new approach being … distinct from an old approach in that it’s new … new in the manner in which it approaches … the matter at hand. And of course, that manner in which we approach really ought to be forward and not in any of those other directions which I mentioned previously.

BLAIR
Mr. President, did you, in fact, read the report?

BUSH
Yeah, yeah, sure thing. Cover to cover.

BLAIR
Then were you as surprised as I was at the recommendation that we should double our forces in Iraq before Christmas?

BUSH
Yeah, real shocker.

BLAIR
Or that we should supply the Iraqi Defense Forces with George Forman Grills and Rubik’s Cubes?

BUSH
Uh … little bit out of left field, that one.

BLAIR
The plan for the all-chimpanzee brigade?

BUSH
… Worth consideration.

BLAIR
Or that by 2008 we should reduce our forces to “that one really big guy from Montana”?

BUSH
Well, it’s a … it’s a …

BLAIR
Mr. President, you didn’t read this report at all.

BUSH
Well I … I wanted to … I really did. See, when I first got it I thought that I didn’t have to read it. See, I glanced at the title and I thought “The Way Forward” said “The Way for War” and, hell, I know all about that, so …

BLAIR
Mr. President, this is really, just … I mean … words escape me.

BUSH
Tony, Tony … T-Bone.

BLAIR
I have asked you not to call me T-Bone.

BUSH
You gotta understand. I’ve been super busy lately. First I had to go to Vietnam, which my Dad totally promised me I would never have to do. They kept offering me something called Pho, and I kept telling them “I’m not your foe, I’m your friend” and that was, like, way confusing. Then the twins cause all these international incidents down in Argentina. And my Dad starts crying like a woman about how great a governor Jeb was. Meanwhile all he ever says to me is about how much fun he’s having with Bill Clinton, what a smart guy Bill Clinton is.

BLAIR
Well I’m sympathetic, Mr. President, but I flew thousands of miles to discuss this with you and … well, in a few hours, we’re going to have to stand before the press and they’re going to ask us all about this report.

BUSH
So … uh … tell me about the report.

BLAIR
I’m sorry, what?

BUSH
You read it. Tell me what’s in it. Do a brother a solid.

BLAIR
Well I … I don’t …

BUSH
C’mon, nobody’s going to find out.

BLAIR
Mr. President, are you asking me to do your homework for you?

BUSH
No! No! … Just help me cram for the big press conference.

BLAIR
This is really outrageous, Mr. President.

BUSH
I can help you out, y’know. Let you sit at my table during lunch … laugh at your jokes, make everybody think you’re a cool guy. Hey, any girls you wanna meet? I know a bunch of cute girls I can introduce you to. You know Patricia Heaton from “Everybody Loves Raymond”? You guys in England know the word “milf”?

BLAIR
I’m a happily married man, Mr. President.

BUSH
Anybody bullying you? I could have Rumsfeld kick their ass. Dude’s itching for a fight.

BLAIR
No, Mr. President. My recommendation is that you should hit the books a little harder and do you your best to be prepared for the press conference. Good day.

Blair exits. Bush flips through the report, then picks up a copy of Sports Illustrated and looks at it longingly.

Blair re-enters.

BLAIR
Patricia Heaton … I know she’s real big on protecting embryos, but is she at all into the weird stuff?

Fade out.

THOTS: A Robot Who Loved French Fries

Yes, it’s time once again for THOTS. As always, we begin with blogroll updates …

The Velvet Penguin is the blog of college chum Alex Rogals. Sometimes its analytical essays, sometimes it’s Onion-style satire. In one recent post, I was a Republican candidate for governor of Arizona.

Still thinking about that new all-comedy blog. Amanda’s probably right – it should have a name that says comedy more clearly. Something like “Whimsy Patrol” or “Noah Smith Attempts to Amuse You” or something.

I’ll admit that “The Captain” is a pretty cool nickname, but if your name is Daryl Dragon, why would you ever want to be called something else?

So on Sunday night, the night before her birthday, my mother-in-law asked me to to look online and find the infamous paparazzi pictures of Britney Spears’ underwearless crotch emerging from a limo. Being a dutiful son, I did, and emailed them to her in an email called “Happy Birthday, Doyne! Here's Britney Spears' labia majora!” I also renamed the photos “britneyspearsvulvaandvaginallips1.jpg” and “britneyspearsvulvaandvaginallips2.jpg.” Somehow this got through her spam folder. Oh, don’t worry, we also got her a necklace.

Below, please find my incredibly dirty joke about Britney Spears twice accidentally showcasing her hairless business to cameramen. It’s quite tasteless and, as such, will require you to highlight it in order to read it.

Slit me baby, one more time.

November was a weird month for Pahrump, NV. They were featured in two episodes of “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (the first was good, the second wasn’t, though I remain devoted to the show -- the Christmas episode was great). The show went out of its way to show the people of Pahrump as intelligent and earnest, despite being Red Staters. But then the same week the town made it illegal to fly a flag from any country other than the US. Yeah, I think I’m gonna remain an elitist East Coast liberal asshole.

You’ve probably all seen this allegedly shocking video of an “orgy” amongst actors in character costumes at Disneyland Paris.



First of all … that’s the tamest orgy I’ve ever seen … not that I’ve seen a lot of them. I’m fairly certain this stuff happens backstage at every Disney park on earth every day. I’ve done plenty of children’s theatre and I can’t think of a single show which didn’t involve dressing room escapades at LEAST this randy. Frankly, if the Scarecrow wasn’t mock-humping Dorothy, or Snow White wasn’t spanking one of the dwarfs before going on, I’d think we were doing something wrong.

Little article about a high school production of my JEKYLL AND HYDE script, which has been getting more productions lately, for whatever reason.

This has been making the rounds, so you may have seen it, but how freaky is this prognostication from the first episode of “The Chris Rock Show” from 1996?

Perhaps the weirdest thing that happened to me during a very weird summer was reading a review of a play my father was in, in which the critic referred to Dad as a “silver fox.”

So that Rumsfeld piece that I wrote seems to be kinda popular. Rob linked to it and it was quote in a couple other places. Here (and idea what “Sooo yoinking for Remain awake.” means?) and here (“oh christ, i just shot a kidney out my ass laughing!!!!” maybe that’s the title for the new blog). So I decided to try to publish it … I wasn’t surprised when The New Yorker passed, but Cracked? Yes, I realize the fact that it’s already been “published” online may be problematic. If Mad passes, too, I’ll email it out to people and see if it spreads that way.

Why is there always a huge line outside the Cheesecake Factory? I’ve only eaten there a handful of times and it’s decent for chain food, but I truly couldn’t imagine waiting a half hour for a seat.

Another Disney thought … this piece suggests you can substitute the word “Peepee” for “Tiki” in the “Enchanted Tiki Room” song, but I always leave it singing “Let’s get freaky in the Tiki Room.”

http://www.myheritage.com

This piece is a little too ludicrously glowing, but his newest album is pretty good. And I feel slightly better about myself because I recognized as many as five songs in the polka medley, though I didn’t recognize several of the actual parodies.

Oh, just in case the Wikipedia entry on my former high school wasn’t weird enough already, my ninth grade science teacher was just arrested for possession of child pornography. Within hours, there were two Facebook groups about it.

Is it deliberate that the “twins” living inside Ali Larter on “Heroes” are named Nicole and Jessica, just like the Simpson sisters?

Y'know what ... NBC's current 8-10PM comedy Thursday lineup -- "Earl" "Office" "Scrubs" and "30 Rock" -- is the best it has ever had. Yes, dammit, it is. No, I don't think any of them, except maybe "The Office" is as good as "Cheers" or "Seinfeld" at their peaks, but even at its peak in the 80s, Thursday had a weak link. Have you seen an episode of "Night Court" lately? Hell, even "Family Ties" hasn't aged well ... as Abe points out, why did the Keatons always enter and leave the room at the same time?

Have I mentioned that I’m still pissed off about freakin’ Neck Tattoo winning “Project Runway”?

Um … Little Richard died years ago, right? The person we’re seeing in the Geico ads and stuff is just Wayne Brady in bad makeup, right?

So Gwen Stefanie just loves musical theatre, eh? Referencing “If I Were a Rich Man” a few years back was great, but “Lonely Goatherd”? … that’s just loopy.

Yet another Disney thought … we know Disney makes theme park rides based on movies. And we know that they have famous “Mountain” rides – Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, etc. Wouldn’t it be logical, then, to open up a ride based on Brokeback Mountain? The ride would probably be pretty rough at first, but once you get used to it …

That Capital One ad where the family meets the "vagabonds" on the train ... that had to be "hoboes" in the first draft, right?

Drug Terminology or Autobot?

(now with explanations below)

1. Bumper
2. Chase
3. Seaspray
4. Diesel
5. Jazz
6. Nosecone
7. Nexus
8. Scoop
9. Huffer
10. Slag
11. Thrust
12. Brawn
13. Flash
14. Inferno
15. Beamer
16. Mirage



Drug Terminology: 1, 4, 7, 11, 15
Autobot: 3, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12, 14, 16
Both: 2, 8, 9, 13


Full explanation. Unless otherwise stated, info comes from either Wikipedia or the Office of National Drug Control Policy's "Street Terms: Drugs and the Drug Trade" Page.

1. Bumper -- Drug terminology. Another name for crack cocaine

2. Chase -- Both. "To smoke cocaine; to smoke marijuana" and a "Throttlebot" who turned into a Ferrari Testarossa -- "a restless spirit who is always on the go"

3. Seaspray -- Autobot. Turned into a hovercraft. "Shooting across the wave crests like a gleaming bullet, Seaspray (Elica in Italy) performs his job with a zest unmatched by any of his fellow Autobots. " Quote: "Be unyielding as the ocean waves and your enemies shall fall."

4. Diesel -- Drug terminology. Another name for heroin.

5. Jazz -- Autobot. Turned into a Porsche 935 Turbo. Jazz (Saxo in Canada, Tigre in Italy) is the "very cool, very stylish, very competent" member of the Autobots ... Self-possessed, calm, and utterly collected, Jazz is Head of Special Operations, with his own dedicated roster of agents. Yet he often gives the most dangerous assignments to himself. It's not a matter of ego--he just really is the coolest head for the toughest missions. Jazz's ease extends to whatever environment he finds himself in, no matter how weird or wonderful. He effortlessly tunes in to the local culture, assimilating and improvising, and making creative command decisions, making him an indispensable right-hand man to Optimus Prime." Quote: "Do it with style or don't bother doing it." Voiced by Scatman Crothers on the cartoon.

6. Nosecone -- Autobot. A "Technobot" who turned into a drilling vehicle and formed the right left of Computron. Quote: "It's not who's the fastest, it's who reaches the finish line first. "

7. Nexus -- Drug Terminology. "2-(4-Bromo-2,5 diethoxy-phenyl)-ethylamine; also just know as 2CB"

8. Scoop -- Both. "Gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB)" and a "Double Targetmaster" who turned into a payloader (scoop truck) "equipped with two Nebulons who would each transform into a gun, and could combine together into one singular weapon." According to the "Encyclopaedia" at Alpha Trion's Data Base "Holepunch and Tracer transform into his weapons." Apparently, by the late 80s, they were naming Transformers after office supplies.

9. Huffer -- Both. An inhalant abuser and an Autobot ("Minibot") who turned into a Cab-over-engine semi truck cab. "Huffer, as described by Bumblebee, looks at the world 'through sludge-colored windshields.' Huffer is dour. He says very little and when he does speak, it's usually to grumble. Huffer's pessimism extends even to his job specialty. He'll grumble that it can't be done and then build the most complex mechanized fortress imaginable. Sometimes it seems he can whip up a suspension bridge out of bobby pins and glue. Huffer isn't too sociable, but in any sort of difficulty he is absolutely reliable. Optimus Prime knows that Huffer secretly misses Cybertron and longs to return there." The toy was later renamed Pipes, because obviously that has no drug connection at all. Quote: "Molecular structure is the key to success."

10. Slag -- Autobot. A "Dinobot" who turned into a triceratops. "He is recognized by some as the second-in-command of the Dinobots. He often has arguments with Grimlock over his commands." Quote: "I have no need for friends, even less for enemies." I seem to recall that that quote bothered me as a kid -- I loved triceratops and it bugged me that he wasn't friendly.


11. Thrust -- Drug terminology. "Isobutyl nitrite; inhalants"

12. Brawn -- Autobot. A minibot and the first Transformer toy I ever had. Turned into a Land Rover Defender 4x4. "He is described as 'strong, rugged, agile' and the most 'macho' of all his Autobot companions. Brawn is the second strongest Autobot being capable of lifting just under 200,000 Earth pounds." I always loved the idea of a "macho" robot. Quote: "Might over microchips." Died an ignominious death in the movie, which annoys fans to this day: "Brawn's death is controversial among fans since the character is seemingly killed in a single shot to the shoulder (the exit wound, however, leaves a gaping, smoking hole in Brawn's back). It is inconclusive as to his death (the sign of which is turning an ashen grey) but it is assumed. It is possible that his broken hull of a body and the others aboard the shuttle besides prowl (who was conclusively killed) are floating somewhere between Cybertron and Earth, and at some point later retrieved. This has led to an ongoing debate on whether the character is truly dead or not, mostly fueled by the character's appearance in the post-movie episode, Carnage in C-Minor (almost certainly animation error). The episode shows Brawn, a miscoloured Huffer and Bonecrusher fighting together against a machine built by Galvatron."


13. Flash -- Both. "LSD; the rush of cocaine injection" and a "Turbomaster" According to Rework's Transformers Site "Flash and Boss are two of the Autobot Turbomaster cars. Each is similar to the regular G2 Autobot cats (sic), similar in complexity, a little larger... But these cars also come with a firing missile launcher . That is the one feature which prevented them from being released in the USA. "


14. Inferno -- Autobot. Turned into a fire engine, a Mitsubishi-Fuso Fire Truck. "Inferno would be a lot better at his job if he weren't so easily distracted. He genuinely wants to be responsible and perform his job well, but he simply cannot resist getting involved in combat. The rugged and powerful Inferno likes things to be as intense as possible, although he prefers the heat of battle to the heart of a burning building. He's not unaware of the seriousness of his function, and he does enjoy the chances it offers him to save innocent lives. It's just that Inferno can't turn down an opportunity to get into the thick of the action." Quote: "Where there's smoke, there's me."

15. Beamer -- Drug terminology. A crack smoker

16. Mirage -- Autobot. Turned into a Ligier JS11-Ford Formula 1 ... what a completely inconspicuous disguise. Luckily, he could also turn invisible. "Some might say that Mirage (Ligier in Japan, Mistero in Italy) was created with a silver sparkplug in his mouth. On Cybertron, he was one of the planet’s elite upper class, preferring to spend his days hunting turbo-foxes instead of involving himself in conflict." I had no idea there was a class system on Cybertron, but evidently there is. The cartoon didn't play him like that. Quotes: "Who and what I am, I hide from my enemy.""Can you keep up with my speed?"

What's in a name?

Hey guys.

Sorry for the delay in posting, and for leaving up such a depressing post.

This is just a quicky. I'm gonna move that new Sketches by Noah blog to a new address. I want it to be all kinds of humor, not just sketches. It'll still be reruns of stuff from here, but I'm gonna try to promote it and get advertising -- I need to start making some money doing something I enjoy, you dig?

Anyway, it needs a new title. Here are some I'm thinking of:

• Polite Mechanicals
• Finite Jest
• Platinum Folderol
• Weird Monkey
• Cardboard Box
• Department of the Ulterior
• Ulterior Decorator
• Notorious Public
• Mint Contrition
• Cousin Oliver
• Cosine Oliver
• Eating Chocolate Cake in the Bag
• I Purport Nothing
• Horatio's Jamison's Notebook
• Countless Screaming Argonauts

What do you like?