Oscar Picks

Well, once again, I will attempt to predict this year’s Oscar nominations. This despite the fact that I haven’t seen many of the likely nominees and I’ve proven again and again to be really really bad at this.

Also, Ijust too damn lazy to properly italicize these.



Best Picture:

The locks: Brokeback Mountain, Walk the Line

EW says: Brokeback, Capote, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich

But not Line? Nah … I think it’ll be up there. Capote, though, I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone’s seen it. Otherwise, EW’s picks look okay … I think Match Point might slip in instead of Munich or Good Night.

My guesses: Brokeback, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Match Point, Walk the Line

Should be nominated: Brokeback, 40 Year-Old Virgin, Walk the Line, Match Point and … hmm either King Kong or Transamerica


Best Director:

The locks: Ang Lee … probably George Clooney

EW says: George Clooney (Good Night), David Cronenberg (History of Violence), Paul Haggis (Crash), Ang Lee (Brokeback), Spielberg (Munich)

My general theory is that Director always mirrors Picture, with one exception. But I don’t think it’ll be Cronenberg … James Manigold won’t be nominated for Line, but I think it’ll be Spielberg who gets his slot.

My guesses: Woody Allen (Match Point), George Clooney (Good Night), Paul Haggis (Crash), Ang Lee (Brokeback), Spielberg (Munich)

Should be nominated: Ang Lee, Woody Allen, Christopher Nolan (Batman Begins), Judd Apatow (40 Year Old Virgin), and … no, seriously, Mike Newell (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)


Best Actor:

The locks: Heath Ledger, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix

EW says: Russell Crowe (Cinderella Man), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), Heath Ledger (Brokeback), Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line), David Strathairn (Good Night)

Well, that sounds pretty good. I suppose Terrence Howard could slip in for Hustle & Flow, or maybe Jeff Daniels (The Squid and the Whale), or possibly Viggo Mortensen (Violence) or Ralph Fiennes (Constant Gardner) … Howard seems to be the likeliest, with big roles in two big-deal movies … plus, they have no black nominees thus far … so, yeah, I think, if only to be different …

My guesses: Terrence Howard (Hustle), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), Heath Ledger (Brokeback), Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line), David Strathairn (Good Night)

Should be nominated: Well, from everything I’ve heard, Hoffman is brilliant, and since I think he’s always brilliant, I’ll assume they’re right. So, even though I haven’t seen it, I’ll put him on here … Steve Carell (Virgin), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote), Heath Ledger (Brokeback), Bill Murray (Broken Flowers), Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line)


Best Actress:

The locks: Felicity Huffman, Reese Witherspoon

EW’s picks: Judi Dench (Mrs. Henderson Presents), Huffman (Transamerica), Keira Knightley (Pride and Prejudice), Charlize Theron (North Country), Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line)

Sounds likely, again … I’m not sure they’d have two British nominees. I think Laura Linney (Squid) might slip in.

My guesses: Judi Dench (Mrs. Henderson Presents), Huffman (Transamerica), Laura Linney (Squid and the Whale), Charlize Theron (North Country), Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line)

Should be nominated: Once again, so many of the likely nominees are in small time movies, and I haven’t seen some of the biggies … of those littlies … Huffman and Theron are great, and Witherspoon is too (though I’m always a little sad when clearly supporting parts are considered leads … ‘cause this only happens for women). Other really great performances this year? Well … Paltrow in Proof … Claire Danes in Shopgirl … Joan Allen in Upside of Anger … and, yes, even Ziyi Zhang in Memoirs of a Geisha … it’s not her fault she’s not Japanese. But I don’t feel qualified to pick two of them.


Best Supporting Actress:

Locks: Michelle Williams

EW says: Amy Adams (Junebug), Maria Bello (History of Violence), Catherine Keener (Capote), Rachel Weisz (Constant Gardner), Michelle Williams (Brokeback)

Looks pretty likely. I know when I saw North Country I thought Frances McDormand had a real shot … even though it would be weird if she won again for doing a Minnesota accent. I think Scarlett Johansson will probably slip in there for Match Point … but who would she replace. Well, Adams and Williams seem pretty secure. Keener … well, I hear she’s great, and she has been in a zillion movies this year. I’d remove Weisz, personally … yeah, she’s good, but her role mostly calls for her to … um … die.

EW says: Amy Adams (Junebug), Maria Bello (History of Violence), Scarlett Johansson (Match Point), Catherine Keener (Capote), Michelle Williams (Brokeback)

Should be nominated: Again, I have to pull a Bill Murray here and say that I don’t really know enough of the likely films. Of the ones I’ve seen … Bello, Johnansson, Williams … McDormand … and, what the hell, my fellow Vassar alum Anne Hathaway, also for Brokeback.


Best Supporting Actor:

The locks: I don’t know if there are any

EW’s picks: George Clooney (Syriana), Matt Dillon (Crash), Paul Giamatti (Cinderella Man), Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback), Terrence Howard (Crash)

Um … wait … but what weird-ass definition is Jake Gyllenhaal a supporting actor in Brokeback? He’s great … he’d probably be my sixth man for lead actor. But he’s definitely the second lead. I guess the campaign for him is for supporting … notice how the opposite of the Supporting-Woman-Get-Nominated-As-Leads is in place for the men.

Seems like slim pickings to me … I mean, since I didn’t see Crash or Cinderella Man and I found Syriana kinda dull … well, I’m not quite with the IMDB users who voted for Rupert Grint in Harry Potter. And I don’t think I can quite support the Golden Globes folks who nominated Will Ferrell for Producers.

My guesses: Well, I guess the same … maybe Bob Hoskins could slip in for Mrs. Henderson … except that no one has seen that … George Clooney (Syriana), Matt Dillon (Crash), Paul Giamatti (Cinderella Man), Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback), Terrence Howard (Crash)

Should be nominated: God, I dunno … Paul Giamatti is always aweseome at everything. Let’s just give it to him.


Original Screenplay:

Locks: Crash

EW’s picks: Cinderella Man, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Match Point, Squid and the Whale

Again, it’s hard to argue with those. As EW tells me, the Writer’s Guild found room for 40 Year Old Virgin. And I’m kind of enjoying imagining a nigh-shutout of Cinderella Man (even though I would probably like the movie)

My guesses: Crash, 40 Year Old Virgin, Good Night and Good Luck, Match Point, Squid and the Whale

Should be nominated: Well, obviously, I like Match Point and Virgin … and I’d say something for Transamerica and Broken Flowers … which are oddly similar. And, again, I gotta vote for the Vassar guy and give it to Noah Baumbach for Squid.


Best Adapted Screenplay:
Locks: Brokeback Mountain,

EW says: Brokeback, Capote, Constant Gardner, Munich, Syriana

Yeah, Munich seems likely, since Tony Kushner has the street cred. I’m not sure both Syriana and Constant Gardner will get it, though. Then again, what’s gonna replace it? Pride & Prejudice? History of Violence? (nope, not from a graphic novel)

Ah! What about Walk the Line? Yep. That’s my pick.

My guesses: Brokeback, Capote, Munich, Syriana, Walk the Line

Should be nominated: Brokeback, Shopgirl, Walk the Line, Batman Begins … and probably Capote (gotta vote for Theo Epstein’s brother-in-law)


Check in tomorrow to see how drastically wrong I am.

Delightful post over at Away Team today ... oh, and we still need a new name for this year.

Bush-kakke

Hey! A belated Christmas wish came true this week. John-Paul has resumed blogging over at everythingsruined. Hurrah! Finally, somebody to explain politics to me!

But seriously, folks, I’m really very intelligent.

In fact, since the response to Audience Participation Day has been so overwhelming (ahem … okay folks, maybe these aren’t the best questions, but you’re making me feel less than loved, here, and you know I’m deeply insecure) … I feel I can now take some time out for some remarkably simplistic political commentary.

Actually, this is stuff I might do on stage some time, except for something at the end that I would actually like you to help me with. I did an “open mic night” in Grammercy yesterday … basically a chance for comics to work out new material in front of each other. Not knowing that, I did mostly old stuff:

I want to say something to President Bush … because I know he’s listening.

Personally, I always assumed the Bush administration was spying on us. I’ve always assumed the worst about Bush and I’ve never been disappointed. I assumed he was lying about the war, I assumed he hated poor people, I assumed he was far more concerned about benefiting Dick Cheney’s business associates than he was protecting the country from terrorism … and I’ve been right every time.

Now, let’s extend this. If every horrible thing I’ve always assumed about Bush has turned out to be true then … the man is a puppy raping illiterate who lights his cigars with flaming copies of the Koran and then snuffs them out on the corpses of Guatemalan orphans while jerking off to footage of the Cheneys beating their illegal immigrant maid with a clown shoe.

Look, I’ll forgive people for voting for Bush in 2000, and maybe even in 2004. But I cannot understand how people can possibly still support him now. Bush supporters are like those people who were outside the courthouse carrying pro-Michael Jackson signs. They’re sort of half-heartedly smiling, saying “We still love you, George.” They’re not really sure they believe in it any more and if you question them they’ll offer a defense like, “Well, he probably didn’t molest ALL those children,” or “’Thriller’ was a good album.”

Bush had his “Thriller,” it was his little megaphone address at Ground Zero. That was “Thriller” and “Off the Wall” and the moonwalk. Right now, we are well past Bush’s Captain Eo and his “marrying Elvis’s daughter” parts of his presidency. We’re somewhere between “dangling the baby out the window” and “showing up to court in pajamas.”

And now, he’s listening to us and he wants to know what we’re searching for on Google. Guys … the president is stalking us, like a jealous ex-boyfriend. When you get home, look out your window, he’ll be there on a ladder. And if you catch him, he’ll try to explain to you how you’re just meant to be together … in this life and the next.

So, I figure, if they want to see Google searches, let’s give them something to look at. Here are some searches I just ran … they all yielded results. Check for yourself … oh, please, please, check for yourself.

bush cheney "testicle clamps"

"bush blowing cheney"

"bush giving handjobs"

"anal sex with donald rumsfeld"

"dick cheney" "dirty sanchez"

"george w. bush loves cock"

"john ashcroft" "finger cuffs"

"karl rove" "drinks jizz"

"george w. bush" "dildo up his ass"

Before we begin, there is FINALLY a new post up at Away Team.

That said, I think it’s time for:

Audience Participation Day: The Participationing

What was your favorite movie (or top five or whatever) of 2005?

Who are the five best American actors working in film today?
(I know when I answer this, I’ll put certain all-time-greats like Deniro in more Hall-of-Fame status and focus on people doing the most interesting work right now)

Who are the five best American actresses working in film today?
(I know when I answer this, I’ll put certain all-time-greats like Streep in more Hall-of-Fame status and focus on people doing the most interesting work right now … ah, the wonders of Copy and Paste)

Other Top Five of ’05 stuff? Books, music, TV?

Do you have any predictions for ’06?

What real-life person, living or dead, should get a big screen biopic made about him or her, and who should play the role?

When was the last time you laughed so hard that you started coughing/spat something out your nose/hurt yourself, etc?

What is your favorite, or, perhaps Top Five "Simpsons" episode(s) of all time?

Are there any dishes you specialize in cooking?

Fill in the blanks: If I had a pet _________ I would name it __________

I asked this before, but who is in your Saturday Night Live all-star cast? 10 cast members, plus an Update anchor or team (though they wouldn’t appear in many sketches). You have a time machine, so any cast member is available, in their primes.

What (living) musical performer that you have never seen perform live would you most like to see in concert?

What’s your most recent food or drink “discovery” (i.e. “I just discovered Thai food” or “I can’t believe I had never tried sushi before this year”)?

THOTS: Just when you least expected them

Yes, I know! It's madness, but THOTS have returned!

Does this mean that Noah is back on the "one semi-long post per day" schedule? Yeah, it seems that way. At least for now.

It's a brave old world.

An addition to the blogroll. Number Nine is a blog by Benari Poulten, whom I have heard tell of for quite some time, but I didn't meet him until Saturday at Abe's apartment, where we both watched the Patriots end their season and prove to be, somehow ... and this is hard or me to say ... human. Benari is a comedian, and a comedy/comic book nerd, so we're in good company.

I know a lot of the links on my blogroll haven't updated in a long time. I'm just hoping everythingsruined and Our Hero and BenFine.com will rise again.

The big picture

So it's been something of a tradition around the Smith family that every year I give Abe a little something for Christmas or his birthday (they're close) that involves Captain America. Abe was never the comic collector I was but he's always had some interest and he's especially fond of the symbolism of Captain America - he uses a SHIELD as a WEAPON! Get it, George and Dick?

Well, this year, I went a little crazy. As you may know, Fred Hembeck is a friend of this blog and he mentioned, before the holidays that he would have time for some commission work, so .



There it is, kiddies. In all its glory. Captain America doing standup.

Art by Hembeck. Text by me and Max Silvestri ... okay, mostly by Max. And the "Look out, Cap! It's Roger Clemens!" balloon down below, spoken by Fred's cartoon avatar is an allusion to a joke Abe does about having too many disparate action-figure genres.

So, I gave this to Abe, cheaply framed at this same party on Saturday when I met Benari (yeah, a little late for Christmas . blame the Columbia mailroom, not Fred). The assemblage was either impressed or baffled, depending on their level of super-knowledge.

Abe was very pleased and thanked me profusely that night and in a text message conversation a day or two later. I'll reprint the specifics of that chat sometime later. It got a little ... Aristocrats ... shall we say, the premise being that in order to top this gift next year I would actually have to get various deceased comic book creators to perform sexual favors for Abe. I won't go into greater depth, since Fred might link to this THOT and his is a family blog.

For some reason it really bugs me when Nicolette Sheridan is listed as one of the Desperate Housewives. Hello? No! There are only four real housewives! Edie is not married and never has been! Get your act together, people!

A transcript.


Noah: Hey Amanda, do you remember the Purple Panda character from the Neighborhood of Make Believe?

Amanda: I don't think so.

Noah: If I recall correctly, he was silent and magical.

Amanda: Like a fart!

Oh, and I forgot a movie that should be on my Ten Best list (instead of Aristocrats) -- Broken Flowers. Sweet, sad, funny ... debatebly a better Bill Murray performance than Lost in Translation ... and sure to be utterly forgotten by awards people. Thanks for reminding me, Tom.

Updated list at the bottom of the old entry.

Dave asked me to review SPAMALOT, which I saw last night. Well, I certainly had a good time, but I don't think I liked it nearly as much as you did, or as much as you thought I would.

Look, Holy Grail is one of my favorite movies, to be sure (though I'm a Brianist -- Life of Brian may not be as funny, but it's a superior film, I maintain). And I enjoyed hearing familiar lines, and the way they wove in some other familiar Python stuff.

But if I had wanted that I could have stayed home and Netflixed the movies. Of the new stuff, only "You Won't Succeed on Broadway" really grabbed me. The whole second act plot about needing to put the show on Broadway seemed a little obvious and ill-defined.

Basically, I was a little let down that I had paid a not-inconsiderable amount of money for a show that basically felt like something Rob and I could have done in high school if we'd had a bigger budget, a work ethic, and a greater sense of self-control.

Hey, It's not like I didn't like the show. I had a grand ol' time -- the expanded scene with the French people bringing in the wooden rabbit was great. But it's certainly not going to unseat AVENUE Q in my esteem.

And speaking of puppets on Broadway, if they HAVE to keep adapting movies for the stage, could there be a better candidate than The Muppet Movie. Family appeal, great songs, fantastic story … of course, I’m not sure how you would stage it. With puppets like AVENUE Q or with actors in suits? Actors in suggested costumes, a la LION KING?

Mini-Mailbag

Some time ago, Kate Sandberg wrote:

Whenever my mom would brush our hair too hard, my sister and I would say "I AM NOT A BARBIE HEAD!" which was always true.
Kate S. | 10.27.05 - 1:40 pm | #


But I beg to differ:



If that's not a Barbie head, I don't know what is.

What's the expiration date on "I wish I could quit you" jokes? Like, when will they go from being moderately clever to being annoyingly trite on the level of imitating Austin Powers? I would guess mid-March, but now that they've bumped up Oscar season, my timing's thrown off.

I've been looking at Craig's List quite a lot lately, in case there's no teaching work for me this semester. Out of curiosity, I took a peak at the résumés section and saw this:

IF YOU DON'T HIRE ME TO ADVERTISE FOR YOU...YOUR CRAZY!!!! (DAVE XXX XXX XXXX (((salaried positions only!!!)))))

Or possibly just fond of grammar. Look, I don't proofread these blog entries very well. I know I often let slip a "your" that should be a "you're" or an "it's" that should be an "its" . but on the link to your résumé?

So, like everyone, I’m sick of hearing about Nick and Jessica, Brad and Jen, etc. But I can’t claim I don’t have any emotional investment in celebrity couples – for instance, I’m kinda sad about the Hilary Swank/Chad Lowe split. There are some famous pairs that seem genuinely sweet and real and I would be rather disappointed if they split up. Among them would be Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Steve Carell and Nancy Walls, and Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. Any others?

Now that I’ve actually heard parts of the real R. Kelly “opera” I’m fairly certain that it’s more absurd than the parodies I’ve seen of it.

So I think I’m upset about the success of Hoodwinked. The animation looks bad and Owen Gleiberman’s glowing review makes it sound like I would HATE it (“Hoodwinked's most radical feature is that it's a ride without heroes” -- perfect, just what kids need. Entertainment with no moral compass.) And, in general, it pisses me off when people think they’re doing something RADICAL with “Little Red Riding Hood” by making the wolf likable or Red unlikable, or both … as if that hasn’t been done in umpteen variations. Look, this, of all fairy tales has HUGE significance psychologically and as literature and we are utterly denying our children the chance to experience it undiluted.

On the other hand, the Rashoman approach sounds really fun.

The Other Best Stuff of 2005

First off, just saw Match Point. Not only does it bump Sin City off of my list of best movies of the year, but Scarlet Johansson has officially bumped Alyssa Milano off of that other list of mine.

TV

New shows? The only new show that I would really shout from the rooftops about is the American remake of “The Office.” No, it’s not the British show. And no, it’s not better. But it’s not much worse. Actually, it’s really, really good. If “Arrested Development” is truly gone for good (and there’s hope it isn’t), “The Office” is the best bet for the survival of the American sitcom. Seriously, if you dismissed this show or skipped it, go to Itunes, pay $1.99 to download “Email Surveillance” or “Booze Cruise.” You will enjoy.

Otherwise? Well, I watch “Commander in Chief” and I like it. But it’s always gonna be Hydrox to “The West Wing”’s Oreo.

“My Name is Earl”? Actually, I’m really coming around to this one. At first I found it a little easy (how hard is it to mock white trash?) and offensive (golly, it sure is fun to mock white trash, right, fellow Harvard-educated rich people?). But, largely thanks to Jason Lee’s performance the show has really found some humanity – even Jamie Pressly’s pretty loathsome caricature of a lazy classless bimbo has developed into something nearly human. Not yet on my don’t-miss list, but …

“House” – I was really into it at first, but I haven’t watched it much this season and I don’t really miss it … not sure what that means.

“How I Met Your Mother” – man, I miss “Friends.” Man … this isn’t a replacement. Once in a while, in the handful of episodes I’ve seen, they’ll really nail something. An “angel on one shoulder, devil on another” gag in their Halloween episode really clicked. Otherwise, this usually seems like a waste of a perfectly good Alyson Hannigan.

“Prison Break” – Man … do I not get this one. Some people seem to love it, but wading through that pilot I got completely bored. I’ve heard people praise the lead actor, but he seemed like an utter cipher to me. I dunno, maybe I’ll discover it on DVD, but for now … bleh.

Oh, wait, there is one new show I really really like … “The Colbert Report.” Yeah, surprise surprise, I like the “Daily Show” spinoff. But, man, it’s really funny. And it’s something that really needed satirizing.

Shows that are still great: “Lost,” “24” (yes, still sexist and racist, as it proved overwhelmingly in the first ten minutes of Sundays premiere … but I can’t stop watching), “The Daily Show,” “Arrested Development.”

Shows that dipped a lot, but I still like: “Alias” (actually, the whole fourth season was great, but five has been so weak so far that I’m totally okay with the cancellation), “Desperate Housewives” (yeah, season one ended well, season two … shrug), “Joey” (yes, yes, I know, but A) it’s not nearly as bad as people think it is and B) it’s Joey … shut up)

Better, actually, damn good, but not as good as its glory days: “The West Wing”

So … a top ten list … oy

In alphabetical order:
“Arrested Development”
“The Colbert Report”
“Daily Show”
“Lost”
“The Office”
“24”
“West Wing”

Plus, with the proviso that I only mean the episodes that aired in the first half of the year:

“Alias”
“Desperate Housewives”

And, what the hell:

“Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain”

I never knew that if you lose a fight to a midget you become one.


BOOKS:

Well, okay … once again, the only book I read this year that actually came out this year was Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. But I really did like it.

But I did make a concerted effort to read more this year (at least before I started teaching and all my reading had to be teaching-based), the five best books I read this year:

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Great Gatsby (technically a reread … sort of, I’d heard it on tape)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
To Kill a Mockingbird

And, the obligatory lame but honest answer … Faithful: Two Diehard Boston Red Sox Fans Chronicle the Historic 2004 Season.

COMICS:

It’s been a weird year, so rather than pick individual books, I’ll praise creators:

Gail Simone – witty, touching, great characterization. Somehow managed to write a great book starring the bad guys (Villains United) and make them sympathetic but still keep them as villains (comics lose more good villains that way.

Geoff Johns – Let’s see, he rescued Hal Jordan and he’s writing Infinite Crisis and somehow he’s making it all make sense. Let him try to balance the federal budget next. He could do it.

Dan Slott – How did this guy get work at Marvel? He actually seems to like the characters. I thought Marvel only hired people who hate superheroes almost as much as they hate themselves.

THEATRE:

The best show I saw this year was AVENUE Q … yeah, it’s three years old, but it might be my favorite musical now … well, way up there. Funny, smart, and actually possibly the best “moral” of any musical ever.

Other stuff I liked … probably the best MIDSUMMER I’ve ever seen at The Hampshire Shakespeare Company (feels bizarre to type that). Summer Theatre did very nicely with AFTERPLAY and THE UNDERPANTS at New Century was good. DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS was fun. The Tisch production of AH, WILDERNESS was very strong. I also liked the Columbia student production of YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN I saw.

Best of me? Either the staged reading of AN INTERVENTION FOR ISAAC or Summer Theatre’s STONE SOUP.

MUSIC:

I’m fairly certain no music was recorded in 2005.

SPORTS:

Superbowl XXXIX, hoisting the World Championship Banner in front of the Yankees.

ME: Well, without much consideration, my Top Ten Jokes from Fountain are, in more or less chronological order:

Library officials in two southern Mississippi counties have revoked their ban on Jon Stewart’s book America (The Book), after pulling the satirical textbook from shelves because of its nude depictions of the nine US Supreme Court justices. Especially at issue was the way the book uses this illustration to explain Anthony Kennedy’s position as a “swing justice.”

A Swedish woman was shocked when she opened a bottle of ketchup to find a human penis in there, though, in all fairness, the bottle did say "Fancy Ketchup."


Last week, MTV introduced a two-headed dog as the new logo for its MTV2 network. This is an excellent symbol, since a two-headed dog is a lot like having two MTV channels -- it makes twice as much noise, but still produces the same level of crap.

In court Tuesday, when Michael Jackson's accuser was asked if he knew the pop star had a skin condition that left his body with brown and white patches. The boy responded, "I didn't know he had patches. I though he was just all white," suggesting that the boy has only heard Jackson's most recent albums.

A stage musical based on The Lord of the Rings will premiere next year in Toronto. It'll be perfect for fans who like the relationship between Frodo and Sam, but wish it had been even gayer.

Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world-premiere screening of the CBS mini-series about Pope John Paul II. But he has asked that they change the title from The Eighty-Four-Year-Old Virgin.

When New York mayor Mike Bloomberg chose not to attend a debate, his Democratic opponent Fernando Ferrer took the stage next to an empty podium. The evening didn't go well for Ferrer who is now running fifteen points behind Bloomberg and seven behind the empty podium.

Jay Leno has written a new children's book called "How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World." "Tonight Show" bandleader Kevin Eubanks has penned a companion book called "How to Laugh Like a Jackass and Make Your Boss Think He's the Funniest Kid in the World."

An Italian judge ruled that it is not necessarily hate speech to call someone a "dirty negro." But, still, Crayola really should find a new name for that color crayon.

A number of new products are being marketed to Muslims this year including Mecca-Cola, a cell phone that includes directions for prayer, and Hallmark cards for Ramadan and Eid holidays, though I think they went too far with that animated Ramadan special "It's the Great Satan, Charlie Brown."

I think I like the MTV one best.

And my favorite entry from this blog was this one

Or maybe this one


Or possible this one


And this other thing I wrote is good, too:

Okay, I’m a little late in doing this, and, again, it’s really quite silly for me to attempt it at all, since I haven’t seen many of the top-rated films of the year, but here I go with

Noah’s Top Ten Movies of 2005

In alphabetical order

The Aristocrats: Yeah, it’s just a dirty joke being told forty or fifty times. But somehow it’s more than that. Somehow it becomes an ode to comedy, communication, storytelling, wordplay, and camaraderie. Obviously, I’m going to be more interested in this than the average joe on the street, and this movie isn’t for everyone, but, still … a seminal movie for people involved in comedy … in more than one sense.

Batman Begins: Look, I’ll get to the serious movies soon. Actually, screw you. This is a serious movie, in the sense that it’s the first movie to take Batman seriously. But what about the Burton movies, you ask? Um … no. Those films took about half of Batman seriously, and had no interest in the rest. The character is one of the great American creations, and it’s about time we gave him a decent, respectful film treatment. This is it. Oh, and it’s also one of the best action movies of the past ten years.

Brokeback Mountain: Yes, the performances, the visuals, and the writing are all stunning. The love story is touching and complete. If you think you’ll hate it, it will surprise you. If you think you’ll love it, it’s even better.

Good Night and Good Luck: Thank you, George. We needed that.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: It’s my least favorite of the books (how hard is it to put together a plot that consists of three or four set pieces?). But it’s my favorite of the films so far. Beyond the literal mindedness of Columbus’s first two, and, in all honesty, better than the overly arty coherence-be-damned, and, frankly, often self-indulgent version of Prisoner of Azkaban that Alfonso Cuaron made (I liked it, but nowhere near as much as I wanted to), Mike Newell finally captured the books’ mix of whimsy and action, menace and farce.

King Kong: Yes, you could cut out 45 minutes and not miss anything. No, I couldn’t have mustered the smallest of craps about “Jimmy” and “Hayes.” And, yes, you have to suspend almost everything you know about the laws of physics. But A) that fight with the T-Rexes was the awesomest thing ever. And B) with the possible exception of Heath Ledger, the best performance I saw this year was delivered by a computer-rendered ape.

Sin City: Okay, it’ll probably look pretty silly in a few years, and when you add up all the style and weigh it against the substance … well, it ain’t balanced. But consider this – film and comic books seem like they should be similar media. Both combine words and images. So how has it taken this long for someone to do a literal translation from page to screen? And since Rodriguez and Miller did this so well, maybe there’s hope for The Spirit or Little Nemo or … maybe, years from now, once this year’s debacle is forgotten … The Fantastic Four.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: Phew … I was wondering when my childhood was going to end so I could get on with my life. Hey, somehow this movie had both the highest and lowest expectations of the year. But, despite their doubters and predecessors, Lucas and company delivered an engaging, well acted … kinda well written rollercoaster ride that actually enhances the movies we loved when we were kids.

40-Year-Old Virgin: Have I mentioned that I really really like this current generation of film comedians? Okay, it’s not as funny as Anchorman and it’s not as complete as School of Rock. But Carell and Apatow delivered another fine example of 21st Century comedy, comparable to Hollywood Comedy’s last golden age of the late 70s/early 80s.

Walk the Line: Look, if you know me, you know I think Ray is the most overrated film of the last 10 years. Here’s the movie Ray should have been. It relies on acting and performing instead of overly controlled filmmaking. Its performances go way, way beyond imitation, which Jamie Foxx never did, and you’re wrong if you think he did. And the music is seamlessly woven into the plot without anything like that absurd “Hit the Road, Jack” scene. Oh, plus I had never heard the Cash/Carter version of “It Ain’t Me, Babe,” which may now be my favorite Dylan cover (yes, ahead of Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower”).


I also liked: North Country, Proof, Shopgirl, Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were Rabbit

I also liked, even though my wife is made at me that I did: A History of Violence

And, critics be damned, yes, I also liked: The Producers, Wedding Crashers

I can't possibly be objective about this, but I personally loved: Fever Pitch

Haven’t seen: Capote, Cinderella Man, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, March of the Penguins, Match Point, Munich, Pride and Prejudice, The Squid and the Whale, Transamerica.

I imagine these could easily bump Good Night, Sin City or Aristocrats.

No, I’m sorry, I don’t think I want to see: Crash, Grizzly Man, The New World.

Yes, I’m sure they’re great films, but I found them dull and they made me feel stupid: The Constant Gardner, Syriana


NEXT WEEK: OTHER STUFF


UPDATED TOP TEN LIST 1/18/05

Batman Begins
Broken Flowers
Brokeback Mountain
Goodnight and Good Luck
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
King Kong
Match Point
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Walk the Line

And now ...

SINGAPORE

January 4

We rise and discover that when the tour bus people told us they'd pick us up at 8:30, they actually meant 8:15. See, they speak English in Singapore, but that doesn't mean communication will be problem free. After an annoying amount of time sorting this out, and an even more annoying amount of time on hold at Raffles Hotel trying to make a reservation for tea on the sixth (eventually failing), we panic because A) we're nowhere near an ATM B) we're nowhere near a subway C) the shuttle bus into town is booked. Luckily, the front desk can change money for us and the taxi that takes us to the Raffles is really cheap.

So, our plans to hate Singapore didn't work out.

In fact, things really picked up from there. At the Raffles we made a reservation quickly and easily ... and looked around at how cool it was.
This is not our photo, but the Raffles is, like the Peninsula, the classic hotel from the Colonial Days, the place where Noel Coward and company used to stay.

We stroll around the Promenade and down into Chinatown (yes, Chinatown ... it's the heart of Singapore), to see a major Hindu temple, which, for some reason is in China Town and not Little India.

We get lunch (Thai ... we're sick of Chinese at this point) and catch a cab to yet another hotel, this time the one where we'll be picked up for our rescheduled tour.

The tour is great, led by a young Singapore Chinese woman who speaks with a fascinating accent, basically BBC, but with Chinese-influenced tonalities. It takes us to the Merlion ...



A Buddhist/Taoist temple. The obligatory factory tour, then the Botanical Gardens.



Singapore is essentially equatorial, so it was 80 degrees every day ... but it is the rainy season, as you can see above.

We wrapped up with a visit to Little India, where we stayed to explore, shop, and get dinner. Around now I am developing my pathological fear that people are going to try to sell me a suit and will keep following me until I either acquiess or kill them. Amanda mocks me for running away from people who said things to us like "Are you on your honeymoon." But I didn't want a damn suit, okay?

Back to the present tense ... We headed back towards the Promenade for a nighttime stroll. We then walked past some waterside restaurants (all desperate to sell me chili crabs, though I'm sure at least one offered a suit) and over to Raffles Long Bar where Amanda enjoyed a Singapore Sling (which was invented there) and I enjoyed dropping peanut shells on the floor.

January 5

We began with a walking tour that taught us much about the history of Singapore and the Muslim areas therein. We visited a Mosque, whose icon-free interior was quite a shock after seeing the Buddhist and Hindu temples that were almost literally crawling with deities.

India also has a major influence on Singapore society, as we learned at a store which sells sarongs. Our tour guide used me a model.



Repeat! That is not a skirt! It is a sarong.

More shops to learn about herbs and spices, and a visit to the burial grounds of the former Malay rulers of the island.

We hung around the area for a while before heading to a recommended "Hawker Center" for dinner. I finally got the chili crab, which tasted good, though more wound up on my pants than in my mouth. After changing at the hotel, we headed to the zoo for the famous night safari.

Yeah, a zoo? Trust me, it was worth it. All but the most dangerous animals are essentially unpenned and since it's nighttime, you get to see the nocturnal ones doing their thing. Sorry, no photos allowed.

January 6

Okay, so it turns out there are only two days worth of things to do in Singapore. Maybe we should have taken that day trip into Malaysia ... we just didn't have any Malysian guidebooks.

So we stroll down Orchard Road ... again, basically the Champs Elysées of Singapore. They're just taking down the Christmas Decorations and putting up the Chinese New Year stuff.

We get horrifically lost on our way to tea at Raffles. Seriously. We're on the roof of a hotel at one point, no kidding. We arrive eventually and find that we really didn't need to worry about reservations in the first place.

Another high tea, then back to Chinatown for another walking tour, this time the 18+ tour of "The Red Lantern District." Many of the same people from yesterdays tour are there and I have the weird experience of telling Australians about Outback Steakhouse (it came up naturally in conversation). Prostitution is "not illegal" in Singapore, so we actually go from the historical prostitution areas to one of the current ones. But you wouldn't know it to look at it. Let's just say that there is a legitimate reason heterosexual men go to karaoke bars in Singapore.

After the tour, we do some more wandering through Chinatown, getting a glimpse of the start of the New Year's festivities, then a long wait in the rain for a cab and back to the hotel.

January 7

Like deja vu, another 4AM cab ride to the airport. Singapore to Tokyo, then a long long flight to New York (no stop on the west coast). Back home, safe and sound.

Okay ... so, the trip.

I'm using only a limited number of photos. See, when I put a million up here, then I can't bore people later by making them look through the scrapbooks we make. So ... here goes:

December 29/30

A shuttle picks us up at 4AM for a ride to the airport. Yep. 4AM. Awesome. We fly to San Francisco, then to Tokyo, then to Hong Kong. When we check into the hotel it is about 1AM on December 31st, Hong Kong time. Jet lag wasn't too bad going that way ... you just go to sleep as soon as you land. Coming back, I've been really zapped, though.

December 31

We get picked up for a tour of the city. First, Victoria Peak for a somewhat cloudy view of the city. Then Stanley Market for cheap souvenir shopping (nice stuff, though), including some "chops" -- stamps of our name written in Chinese characters. Well, they said it was our names. They could very possibly translate as "monkey semen" and "he who weeps uncontrollably while peeing." Then a quick ride on a boat in the impossibly green harbor.



From there, on to a factory tour ... because there's always a factory tour on one of these.

After the tour, we strolled along Nathan Road ... sort of the Champs Elysées of Hong Kong. I was highly amused to see all the Christmas Decorations. Not surprising they have them, of course, but it seemed so odd that it was all snow and holly and pine trees when it was 72 degrees out. Singapore was like this, too, and they're almost on the equator.

Not that they do EVERYTHING Christmassy our way ...



What did you ask the Christmas Robot to bring you this year?

From there to the Avenue of the Stars, which is along the harbor, but otherwise is exactly like Hollywood Boulevard, with placques on the sidewalk commemorating Hong Kong film stars. Basically, I recognized Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Chow Yun Fat, and Michelle Yeoh.

This was kind of typical of Hong Kong ... at least one side of it. For instance, for New Year's Eve we were recommended to go to Times Square. Yes. Hong Kong has its own Times Square.



Red is the traditional wedding dress color in China, but the British influence has modified things in Hong Kong, as you can see.

We explored the Hong Kong Museum of History, which filled me in nicely. We had to rush through the last few decades though, so, as far as I know, Japan invaded in 1997.

Took in a beautiful fireworks/laser show over the harbor -- they do the lasers every night, but the fireworks were a New Years Eve special. Shopping in the Temple Street Night Market, then back to the Times Square Area, which was ner our hotel to ring in the New Year 13 hours ahead of you mere mortals.

January 1

Took a long subway and bus ride to Lantau Island to see the famous giant Tian Tan Buddha. A long climb, but well worth the effort.

The Buddha is surrounded by six bodhisattvas -- usually translated as "saints" -- Buddhists who successfully let go of all worldy attachments.



That sign says "Do not throw coins at the statues" by the way ... but guess what that kid and dozens of others were doing anyway. I guess it's good luck if you can make a state "catch" your coin in its upturned hands.

Had a vegetarian lunch, followed by poking around the monastery where we saw them shooting a spin-off of Three Ninjas called the Bad News Shaolins.



Seriously, this was a martial arts demonstration. Since it was introduced in Cantonese, I didn't understand if these kids were monks, monks in training, or just kids who were studying with the monks.

Long bus ride back to town, then a ride on the famous trams. Dinner at Lan Kwai Fung, the hip nightclub area. No, we didn't club, but we did get to eat some non-Chinese food (we were already sick of it). No, we didn't go for burgers and fries. It was Malaysian and quite tasty. Oh, the street was called Rat Alley. Appetizing, I know.

January 2

Visit to old, tiny Man Mo temple, where they burn giant coils on incense from the ceilings. Some ash fell on Amanda's head. Another street market and a visit to a tea house.

We then strolled around the strange, lovely Hong Kong park. Quite modern, not very green, but still everything you'd want in a park, oddly. We visited an aviary in there ... yes, we were worried about bird flu, but it's not like it was a petting zoo.

A colonial afternoon as we waited in a long line for High Tea at the Peninsula Hotel. Very classy and, while it was the most expensive meal we had in Hong Kong by a long shot, it was under $50 American.



Amanda was very moved by the images it brought to mind of men in white suits, living a life of luxury.

More birds as we visited the Bird Market and, for some reason, bought a bird cage, which may eventually house action figures. Flower market, followed by "Ladies Market" (but they sell men's stuff too) where I discovered that I truly hate haggling, even though I got a good deal on some ties and a jacket.

Scary moment as an ATM wouldn't give us money ... we were afraid Bank of America was "kindly" preventing us from using foreign ATMS in case someone had stolen our cards and run off to Asia. Luckily, it was just one bank that sucked, but we were truly afraid we would have no cash for the rest of our time there.

Rode the Star Ferry from Kowloon to Hong Kong Island.

January 3

Our last day in Hong Kong had to end by five so we could catch our flight. But we managed to fit a ton in.

First, a visit to the semi-distant 10,000 Buddhas Monastery. Also a long climb up many steps, surrounded by bodhisattvas. More to be found at the top, including this one:



Reed Richards, Buddhist Saint.

The actual 10,000 Buddhas are small statues that line the wall of the temple. Just to clarify, 10,000 is A LOT OF BUDDHA STATUES. And they're all lined up, with slightly different poses, like some sort of Buddhamation. I'm fairly certain some of them were giving me the finger.

Then Repulse Bay ... which would be packed with swimmers during the summer, but our walk across the Longevity Bridge was unimpeded. Every time you cross it, you add three days to your life. Handy, seeing as we lost one on our travel day.

Then back to the hotel and a shuttle ride to the airport, where we had to hand in our nail scissors and file before getting on the plane to Singapore.

TOMORROW ... SINGAPORE.

We're back!

Actually, we've been back for over a day now, but what with jet lag and all ...

Anyway, much, much to tell. But I think I'll resurrect a gimmick I used on the Paris Trip and tell you ...

SOME USEFUL PHRASES FOR A TRIP TO ...

Oh, yeah ... when it was in French, I could translate them with Babelfish. Babelfish also does Chinese. But, darnit, my browser doesn't seem to read Chinese characters ... so ... here's half a joke, but, at least it's the half you could actually read.

HONG KONG


Do you serve any dishes that don't include pig intestine?

Do you think your giant Buddha would beat Godzilla in a fight?

Hey, if you guys think Monchichis are so great, wait till you see Turbo Teen.

Here's five US Dollars. Can I please get 300 neckties? I want to be stocked for the next three centuries of Father's Days.






SINGAPORE

Let me get this straight, chewing gum -- illegal ... prostitution -- not illegal.


If I punch you in the face, will you stop trying to sell me a suit?


I love this Merlion symbol of yours. It looks like the product of Wondertwin incest. (Wondertwincest?)

I think this Singapore Sling is just made from vodka and Kool-Aid.