Last Drops

Okay, now, this really is going to be the last entry about STONE SOUP … this production anyway.

Some people have asked where the characters names come from … here goes …

Billy Bill Williams: Obvious enough.

Brooke Lynn Manero-Epstein (aka Brooklyn): Brooke Lynn is a play on words I’ve wanted to do for a while. I also wanted a last name that was both Italian and Jewish, as those tend to be the “city kid” types that show up in the types of movies to which I was paying tribute. Yes, Manero comes from John Travolta’s character in Saturday Night Fever and Epstein from one of his fellow Sweathogs on “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

Sgt. Ignatz Ratski-Watski (aka Sarge): Nobody got this one. Nobody. Wow. Okay, so in The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek, a classic Preston Sturges comedy, Betty Hutton plays Trudy Kockenlocker (seriously) a young woman who goes to a party to see off some soldiers shipping out to fight in WWII. She gets a little drunk and hits her head, for the sake of the Hayes office, who wouldn’t allow pure drunkenness as an excuse for what follows. When she wakes from a daze the next morning, she finds she has married a soldier who has since shipped out (she’s also pregnant by him, but she finds that out later). The closest she can come to remembering his name is that it’s something like “Ignatz Ratski-Watski.” Ta-da! Am I implying that Sarge is wooing Hildy despite having a pregnant wife back in Morgan’s Creek? Um … gee, I hope not. Or, at least, if he is, he was drunk, too, and doesn’t remember. Hmm … a Google search suggests I’ve been spelling the name wrong. Most people seem to go with “Ratzkywatzky.” P’raps I’ll change it for publication.

Hildegarde “Hildy” Idlewild: “Hildy” comes from His Girl Friday, it was Rosalind Russel’s character. However, in the original stage version, The Front Page, Hildy was a man, but still called Hildy. In fact, the feminine nature of the name was part inspiration for Howard Hawks in remaking the film as a romantic comedy. Idlewild is, of course, the former name of JFK Airport in Brooklyn. The other major airport in New York is LaGuardia, after the former mayor. So, since Hildy is a mayor, and calling her “Mayor Kennedy” would have been kinda weird …

Lt. Elty: Oddly, the cast members I spoke to didn’t get the half-visual pun. See, the abbreviation for “Lieutenant” is “Lt” so … The idea came from Fred Hembeck confusion about a “Sgt. Rock” story of his youth.

Officer Secondcop: Okay, this pun everyone got. The inspiration was Bill Murray, who often complained, when he first started on “SNL” that he only ever got to play “the second cop” in sketches.

(I forget if I mentioned this: I was worried about depicting such goofy cops, and having them be “the bad guys” as much as this play has bad guys. I don’t think they are though, they’re doing their job, and Sarge IS scamming the town … they just don’t see that he has a higher calling to do it)

Sully: Like I could give a Boston Irishman any other name. I got the idea for Sully five years ago when I wanted to do “Make Way for Ducklings.” He was going to be a Boston cabbie who narrated the story. I couldn’t get the rights (just as well, I’d have had to add too much), so Sully went back in the files. I was surprised to see, reading old entries, that I gave him a full name, Eamon Sullivan. But I’m not surprised that I never used it.

Penelope: Just a name I like for girl next door types. The first idea I ever had for a children’s play -- the THREE BILLY GOATS gruff I plotted out but never wrote in 1993 -- had a teenage girl goat named Penelope, as a love interest for the youngest goat. Yep … goat love.

Farmer Donald McCauld: On tonight’s “Vague Wordplay Theatre” see Noah distort the name “Old McDonald” for his own nefarious purposes.

Cow Cow: Giving her a traditional name like Bessie seemed like gilding the lily … if I’m using the cliché correctly.

Madame Melange: Oddly, it took me a while to arrive at this pretty basic French culinary word joke. I think I had toyed with making her Italian, since I’d done a lot with French before. But somehow I feel more comfortable mocking the French. Gently and with love, of course.


Thoughts …

David added a fun recurring gag that every time the characters would run offstage (which was often), they would first bend their lead leg at the knee and hold it for a second, before dashing off, ala any number of Hannah Barbara cartoons (we think Snagglepuss in particular). This was especially funny when Farmer McCauld tells Cow Cow “I can’t do that leg thing” when they take off to pursue Billy and Penelope. I’d love to add this to the script for future productions and publications, but could that possibly come across in print?

My favorite line flub of all time came when an actor couldn’t remember the words to the following lyric: “If you know the words, please sing along.”

The costumes were fantastic. I didn’t notice until it was pointed out to me that Lt. Elty’s police uniform was actually a pilot’s getup. The cow costume was especially great (and not actually as hot as Bob Smith’s review implied, thank god). I was quite pleased that our designer went for a 40s look, since that kinda diffused the obvious Iraq allusions. Minor point: I kinda wish we’d been less authentic on the shoes, so the poor actresses didn’t have to do chase scenes in heels.

As for the Iraq thing: I got some interesting responses. I know one actor told me he first read the script and said “Whoah! Iraq!” Our family friend Chris Rohmann, an occasional theatre critic and teacher/director at the Pioneer Valley Performing Arts High School (and director of the excellent production of MIDSUMMER that just closed at Hampshire Shakespeare Company -- who had, before Chris arrived, produced a lot of Shakespeare that … well, I wouldn’t call it excellent) saw the show, loved it, and told me how surprised I was that I put such obvious Iraq allusions in a children’s play.

Personally, I don’t think it’s blatantly Iraq. If you dropped STONE SOUP in a time machine and sent it back 35 years ago, people would think it’s about Vietnam. In fact, the idea that these returning soldiers are being treated with suspicion sounds a lot more like Vietnam to me than Iraq. Seriously, is there any American citizen right now who wouldn’t happily make a sandwich for a serviceman or woman coming back from Iraq? I would … though I’d probably try to steer the conversation towards baseball.

If someone read this play, without knowing me and my background, they might think I supported the war (I didn’t, though I was on the fence at first). My soldiers are highly sympathetic and then there’s the scene where Hildy tells Sarge that she was opposed to the war and he says …

SARGE
You want to know who really hated the war? Us. The ones who had to fight it. I hated that war every minute of every day. But I learned a lot from it. I learned that there's nothing more important than the people closest to you. And when I see this town, full of people afraid to let themselves get close to anyone ... I worry. So if this little soup thing we're doing can bring people together ... I dunno.

You could read that as a wise soldier telling a stupid liberal to shut up.

It’s not, though. It’s a non-partisan statement that all war, justified or not, sucks, and community is good.

See, I’m not being liberal or conservative here. I’m being simplistic.

I wonder if Susan will get any letters about it.

Oh, and I should say that I may have spoken too ill of the theatre. From everything I’ve seen so far, PVST is really settling in to its new home and has figured out how to produce show every bit as good as the best we did in the old tent. I will always remember the Mt. Holyoke years more fondly, because, hey, that’s where I grew up. But AFTER PLAY was great, and I expect BEAU JEST to be good, too (I saw a runthrough of BLITHE SPIRIT too, and it looked like a good production of a play that I don’t especially like). I do kinda wish they weren’t doing so many revivals – seven out of eight of the plays they’re doing this year were performed by the theatre (quite recently, the last time we did these shows were 1989, 1991, 1993, 1995 (2), 1997, and 1999 … hey, those are the last six odd-numbered years in the 20th century … weird, man) and the other one was done by our sister theater, New Century in 1994, with the same actress. True, after 35 years, you kinda run low on shows you haven’t done, but I do think we could dip back a little earlier -- they haven’t done DON’T DRINK THE WATER, PRISONER OF SECOND AVENUE, CALIFORNIA SUITE, etc. in over 20 years. Are they too dated? They can’t be more dated than BLITHE SPIRIT, can they?

But, hey, they don’t do these shows for me. They do them for an audience, and the audiences are loving what they see, so I should shut up.


Anyway, STONE SOUP …

I love everything David did directing the show with very few exceptions. There was one bit, where, after the love song, Sully and Brooklyn get chased off by the cops and they run past Sarge and Hildy who get “spun around” by the chase … except that they’re supposed to be “back in town” while the chase is happening somewhere between town square and the cooking school. Yeah, the three couples were singing together, but through a stage convention, they were all “in different places.”

Oh, and the bit where Brooklyn lights the fire. The script calls for her to push on “a fire” set up on a dolly. Unrealistic, but easier, and it would allow the soup to go on and off stage. As it was, there was this whole sound cue where Brooklyn pours lighter fluid on the fire (yet, we had no prop for the can of fluid, so she had to mime), lights a match, and roaring fire starts … slow and not very funny.

Otherwise David is a genius!

It was probably wise to use confetti as the seasoning that gets thrown at Sully. I had thought we could use sand, hence my insistence that Sully have goggles. Still, getting whacked with fistfuls of sand isn’t much fun, even with goggles. … But it would have been funnier.

An odd thing about that bit -- the kids, the first time they got the confetti were placing it very gently in Sully’s snail shell (I know, this makes no sense if you haven’t read or seen the play … look at the pictures from Monday for some explanation). They knew Sully had to collect it for the plot to go forward. But, of course, they’re characters thought they were just throwing salt at slug, so of course they should have thrown it at him. Understandable that they didn’t realize stage convention would allow the shell to be “full of seasonings” even if none of the confetti actually landed in it, but I find it odd that they’d put plot consideration ahead of their characters’ immediate goal. Shows impressive forward thinking, I’d say.

The moustaches on all the cooking students, boys and girls alike, weren’t visible from the audience, but they were cute.

Cow Cow’s entrance, scored by “Bad to the Bone” is probably my all-time favorite.

There were a couple of places where I wish I could have written more dialogue to transition into songs … I never like what actors improvise. (yes, that’s me being a jerk again) This was particularly a concern at the top of the second act. Actually, the line when Elty locks up the three soldiers was clever: “Get in there you miscreants of the American military system,” but I worry that it’s offensive.

My mistake: Sully never introduces himself. Woulda been easy enough to stick in a “Sully the cab driver at your service” somewhere. As it is, we don’t learn his name till Brooklyn calls him by it at the cooking school, about halfway through the play.

The dance the kids did for “It’s Not Food Unless It’s French” is really good. Isaac, our choreographer is awesome.

Dammit, I didn’t get my Special Thanks in on time for them to make the program. Here they are:

Fred Hembeck, for the Elty idea.

Alison Green Will and Dan Golub, for doing an early reading at my house

Ross Garmil, for coming up with the name “Stone’s Throw” for town.

I might like to try to create an animated version of this some day. A lot of the gags would work better if they could be done at cartoon speeds.

My favorite SOS, perhaps of all time, would be the girl who said, “And I made a salad.” Loud, clear, enthusiastic. Talk about making the most out of nothing.

David put together a “Best Of” CD from the past four years. Four songs from each play. I think this is the list:

BREMEN
Pirates Without a Ship
Fur and Feathers
The Bremen Town Musicians
Perfect Harmony

(good choices)

PIED PIPER
Rats
Piper’s Song
Everything’s Great
Home is Where the Story Starts

(also good … I probably prefer “We’re Hamelin” to either “Rats” or “Piper’s Song” myself, but they’re all great)

EMPEROR
I Want to be a Vet
More Than This
We Don’t Want to be Models Anymore
Happy Ever After, After All

(this is the best choice, for variety, but I miss “Another Town”)

SOUP
Here We Are
Stone Soup
It’s Not Food Unless It’s French
You Gotta Believe

(woulda been my picks, too)

Pretty nice selection, for 10 bucks.


Okay, more than enough said about STONE SOUP.

Tomorrow … I start saying too much about BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!

Final thoughts on STONE SOUP

Like I said, I was very pleased with how this one wound up. I think the cast learned a lot, and gave great performances. I think the audiences loved it.

How do I rank it, compared to the other three musicals David and I have done? Well, I think it’s overall the best music. It’s probably the most solid script (BREMEN is too flimsy, PIPER too didactic and paced oddly, and EMPEROR … well, most of it is what I wrote in 1999, and I’m just better than that now.). Yet, for various reasons, I’d rank this behind EMPEROR as an experience – it was just blissful all the way along. And I still think PIPER has the most potential. I genuinely feel that with some major rewrites, a few new songs, and some good orchestration, PIED PIPER could be a WICKED-style Broadway hit.

Seriously.

But, anyway, SOUP …

I understand that the cast found this blog midway through the run, and some feelings were hurt.

Well, I’m genuinely sorry about that. But I’m not going to apologize for what I wrote. I created this blog to discuss my own writing and what it’s like being a playwright. I wrote the negative things I wrote to help myself deal with how I was feeling.

Could I have done that in a private journal, rather than presenting it to the world? Yes. I could have. Maybe I’m a jerk for not doing it that way.

But, as I look through the old entries, I don’t think I actually said anything that hurtful. There were times where I mentioned the places where actors needed to grow, and, clearly, I was upset with what I thought was lack of energy and caring in dress rehearsal. But I don’t think I was mean or personally vicious (except for that one sound joke, which was too mean, but I also thought it was clever … god, I can really be a bastard). The post-dress post was the response of someone who felt hurt and helpless because something he had created and worked hard on was about to be presented to the public in a sub-par form. And, y’know, if what I had seen on Tuesday was the best they could give me, I would have been okay with it … I think. I mean, I wasn’t upset when that middle school in New Jersey blew lines and made mistakes in CASEY AT THE BAT (though, admittedly, I always seem much calmer when someone does a play of mine “wrong” if it’s not the first production). I just knew this cast had it in them to do more.

And I was right. They did more. They did very well. I’m thoroughly proud of them and their work. So I hope no one hates me. I certainly don't hate you, in fact, you have my eternal gratitude for treating my play so well ... (after Tuesday)

There’s a review of the show up on In the Spotlight. This is a website devoted to arts in the Pioneer Valley, and currently one of the only places reviewing local theatre at all (it’s really shameful that local papers would rather run AP articles about Tom and Kate than send some intern to see a free play and dash off 500 words).

The review is quite positive, though, being paranoid, I wonder what he really thinks. Of course, any review that doesn’t go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about how brilliant I am seems misguided to me. David’s music, justifiably, gets more praise than my script (though, if you read the text of the review and not the info in the header, you’d think I wrote the music, too). In fact, his one problem with the play is a critique of my plotting …

One narrative quibble: it is unfortunate that the townspeople coming together to contribute to the soup happened off-stage. It would have been nice to see the younger performers have a bit more contribution to this part of the original story.

First of all, I’m thrilled to have a genuine criticism in a review. Seriously. In my experience, critics wear, for lack of a better word, kid gloves while critiquing children’s theatre. Back in the Tom McCabe days, the critics wrote real reviews -- often mean, poorly thought-out reviews, but that’s neither here nor there. But when I am reviewed, I usually get sweet, pleasant puff pieces that make me feel nice, but not much like a real playwright.

Second of all, this particular criticism is completely valid. This script has a giant gaping flaw -- it’s supposed to be about the transformation of this town, yet we see very little of how the town was before the soldiers arrived. As for the way the town comes together … well, I’ll get to that in a minute.

So, why not more scenes depicting Stone’s Throw as walled off and solitary? All I have is a few moments where Sarge tries to ask villagers for directions to a restaurant and is told “I can’t help you.” Then Hildy explains why everyone is standoffish.

I know: cardinal sin of a playwright. Telling instead of showing.


Why? Well, mostly time constraints. I wanted this play to be wacky. I wanted it to have three separate plot threads, one for every soldier, that come together for a crazy act one finale. That’s time consuming. Now, normally, I might have sacrificed wacky to make room for meaning, except that I was tipping the scales in favor of wacky this time, since the rest of the season CH_RL_TT-’S W_B and BEAUTY AND THE BEAST are both kinda heavy.

Secondly, my cast was already crowded with three leads, their love interests and a set of obstacle characters. Characters who demonstrated the problems in Stone’s Throw would be classified as atmosphere characters. And I just didn’t have room in the cast for them, so that had to be the role of the chorus of “Students on Stage.” I have learned, over 10 years of writing for them, not to give SOS too much to do that really bears on the plot. They’re unreliable and frequently inaudible. Hey, they’re often really nice kids – this time, they seemed extremely likable. But they aren’t really actors, with a few exceptions.

So, all this led up to me having to tell and not show.

I didn’t have this problem when I did PIED PIPER. I had room for three atmosphere characters there, and actually had to add a fourth because we got an extra apprentice at the last minute. So I was able to typify the problems in Hamelin with one family. In EMPEROR, the Emperor was both the obstacle and the atmosphere (and the love interests doubled as atmosphere, too). (In my defense, in STONE SOUP, there is something atmospheric about Farmer McCauld and Cow Cow, though they are primarily obstacles)

Could I have made this work this time? Probably. Definitely if I’d had only one or two soldiers, but I wanted my clown stack, so …

As for Mr. Smith’s (no relation) specific issue, that we didn’t see the town come together on stage … well, he has a point, but I’ll quibble with his quibble a little.

Much comedy plotting is about success through failure -- the guy sees the girl and sets about trying to get her. Along the way, his plans go awry, but he winds up with the girl anyway. See? Oddly, tragedy is often about out and out success -- you could claim that Hamlet spends the whole play trying to die, and only in the end does he get his consummation devoutly to be wished.

But STONE SOUP is built along the Scooby-Doo model, by which I mean A) Fred hatches a plan to catch the ghost B) Scooby and Shaggy screw it up somehow C) But it succeeds anyway, just differently from how it was planned.

So we have Sarge planning to trick the town into donating stuff for the soup. But along the way, he gets arrested and the soup gets spilled out. Then the town decides, while he’s on trial, to start the soup up again. Happy ending.

What do we see of this? Well, we see Sarge pitch the idea in song we see the town get excited. Then later, he and Hildy recommend that the soup would be best with more ingredients and we see the townsfolk start thinking about donating ingredients. But Sarge is dragged off to jail before they can add anything and only later, when everything seems grim, does the whole town run in, with the soup they’ve made themselves.

So, Mr. Smith is right that we don’t actually see the town put the water back on the fire and add their ingredients. And yes, that is the heart of the story.

Now, to stage that scene I would have had to either completely modify my second act, which is entirely a courtroom scene (this would be okay, though it’s a major rewrite). Or I would have had to contrive a way out of the courtroom and back into the town square. Possible, though I’d lose momentum, which is crucial in a children’s theatre second act.

I suppose I could have had Billy Bill wonder what Penelope and her father are doing outside and we could have jumped there had a scene where the townsfolk decide to start the soup again.

The problem is, that puts a lot of weight on the SOS. And, respectfully, despite what Mr. Smith says, you really don’t want to see that. You’d have slow dialogue, mumbled and too quiet. And it’s hard enough for grownup actors to play reluctance and indecision in children’s theatre (they don’t understand that you have to physicalize it -- it’s a dance, basically). It’s practically impossible for children to play it.

So, those are the reasons why it would have been difficult to stage that scene. Now, here’s why I didn’t want to do it:

We’d already sewn the seeds. We’d seen the town start to get interested in the idea, think about collaborating. So, we’ve heard Fred’s plan and seen it start.

But, it’s not so much that Shag and Scoob screw it up but it works out differently. It works out exactly how Sarge said it would, just with a hiccup in the middle. Seeing a plan unfold without reversal isn’t interesting or dramatic.

Had I put the scene in there, we would have had to show it, then show the principals’ reaction to it when they found out. As it is, it’s as much a surprise for us in the audience as it is for the characters. And I think audiences kinda like piecing little bits together in their heads.

And secondly, it’s a moment stolen whole cloth from It’s a Wonderful Life. We don’t see Uncle Billy going around telling everyone George needs money, we just see the results. (it’s also stolen from Miracle on 34th Street, and you do see Natalie Wood write the letter, and later you see the post office decide to route all of them to the courthouse … but it’s the use of the letters that’s surprise. Soup and money have only one purpose.) I couldn’t really have that great “it’s a miracle” moment if I’d shown the miracle happening.

Look, it’s flawed, obviously. Any time a key part of the story happens offstage, something is wrong, and Mr. Smith is right to point that out. And I think this is a story I might revisit in years to come -- I still want to do that Marx Brothers version. Maybe I’ll think of a way to make this part work better.

Whoops, this ran a little long. I guess I’ll wrap up STONE SOUP tomorrow (have to save that spoiler-packed piece about the new Harry Potter for next week or something), before I head out to start this all over again for BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

Images carved in STONE

First things first, closing day rocked!

Seriously, my prediction after opening was right, the show clearly grew, found its footing and had an utterly wonderful closing day. I’m thoroughly pleased with and proud of the cast and crew. They did wonderfully by my and David’s work.

I’m going to write more in depth about it tomorrow. Today, I’ll let the pictures do the talking. I took a ton on Saturday, and a few of them are okay … I got a lot of shots of the ground or of actors just running out of frame. There was a lot of running in this one.

Okay, the play in photos …

The three troops …



Arrive in town and it doesn’t take long for the hoe-down to start (“Here We Are”) …



Told by Hildy (seen here with Madame Melange, who isn’t on stage yet) …




That there is no food available for purchase in town, Sarge (smitten with Hildy) starts cooking some Stone Soup.




And Sarge promotes the idea through town, via music (“Stone Soup”) …



The local gendarmes, Lt. Elty and Office Secondcop are sure the soldiers are up to no good.



Billy Bill dashes off to a local farm in search of vegetables and Brooklyn hails a cab to go to Madame Melange’s cooking school …



Billy Bill is quite taken with Penelope, the farmer’s daughter …






But runs into trouble when he agrees to milk Farmer McCauld’s cow, Cow Cow.




(sorry, didn’t get any good photos of Billy Bill getting beaten up, or with the bucket over his head)

Meanwhile, at Madame Melange’s Academy for the Culinary Arts …



Where the musical motto is “It Isn’t Food, Unless It’s French”



Sully the cab driver goes in undercover as a snail …



Brooklyn saves him from some hot water (literally) and soon he is “unmasked” as a slug and pelted with seasonings.



Unaware that they are about to be pursued by various authority figures and accused of assorted crimes, our three new couples pause for a “Love Song”



But the reverie is brief and soon an wild “Chase Scene” ensues …



And our heroes are captured …



Sully’s cab arrives too late (“… this is wicked awkward”)



So the soup is dumped out and our heroes are dragged to jail. Intermission



Act two opens with a rocking song about “Stone Throw Jail”



The cases are about to go to trial, with a disguised Sully acting as lawyer.



The defense and his clients …



Hildy serves as judge and Elty as prosecutor.



But that doesn’t mean she can’t get down and boogie (“I am the Singer of this Song”)



After Penelope convinces her father to drop the charges against Billy Bill, special guest prosecutor Cow Cow questions Brooklyn.



And it doesn’t go well for Brooklyn.



Sully skillfully argues himself and Brooklyn out of trouble, but Sarge knows only a miracle could save him.



One miracle coming right up! The townsfolk have started cooking the soup again, and added all the ingredients they said they would.



An apologetic Cow Cow donates some cheese.



But Elty is still skeptical and decides the proof is in the pudding … er … soup …



Which she declares is … the best thing she’s ever eaten!



Sounds like the cue for a finale! (“You Gotta Believe”)



And a curtain call.



And that just leaves the autographs from the cast …















And then, the next day, Amanda and I and my parents went to Summit House on the top of Mount Holyoke (the mountain, not the college).












Yeah, I know those don’t have anything to do with STONE SOUP, but they’re still nice photos …

The Brave and the Bold

Brief memorial entry before I take off for the weekend.

First, of course, we say goodbye to James Doohan, who played Scottie on “Star Trek.” A genuine pop culture icon. Yaron has a nice little piece about him.

But I also want to commemorate one of my favorite comic book artists of all time, who also passed away this week. Jim Aparo was a largely unappreciated master of the superhero genre, and one of my favorite artists of all time. As a kid, I didn’t read credit boxes, but I bought an awful lot of The Brave and the Bold, the Aparo-illustrated book that had Batman team up with a different hero every month. I was a Superman fan, yet here I was buying Batman. Why? I’m guessing it was the art, and I’m guessing that means Jim Aparo was my first-ever favorite artist.

Also, in my opinion, he drew the post-Neal Adams Batman (ie, the real Dark Knight that DC went back to after the TV show) better than anyone except Neal Adams. And frankly, I think that’s debatable … Adams might be number two on my list.

But Aparo also drew everybody else well. This made Brave and the Bold a perfect fit for him. And, as Fred Hembeck has pointed out, it makes it a real shame that he never got to do Justice League. He drew all the members at one time or another, but, man, would it have been cool to see him draw ‘em all at once, every month.

(And, gosh, imagine if he’d got to do some Marvel stuff … who wouldn’t love to see him try Avengers or X-Men on for size.)

Anyway, I’ll let the man’s art speak for him …
























Thank you sir.

Hey! Opening Day wasn’t bad!

Yep, it was actually pretty good. Far far better than it had any right being, based on dress.

It’s not like I’ve never seen this before, a show coming together at the last minute. On more than one occasion, I’ve been the only one who wasn’t predicting gloom and doom after a dress, because I somehow knew the show would snap into shape in front of an audience. Why didn’t I know it this time? Well, I think because I felt like the cast didn’t realize how dreadful dress had been, and hadn’t shown me yet that they knew how to correct their mistakes.

Maybe I’m rusty … I hadn’t done any theatre in a year, after all.

But somehow, on Wednesday morning, cues were tighter, focus was there, people were committing to their characters and their moments. Everything that wasn’t happening on Tuesday.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, it was far from perfect. But I now feel quite certain that the show will improve. I’m back in NYC now, and I’ll be heading back on Friday night to see closing day. I expect, now with confidence, that I’ll see a different and better show.

The audience gets some credit of course. There’s always something about a crowd that makes you realize “oh, now I HAVE to get this right.” And this was a good group, applauding after the songs, even when they didn’t have obvious endings.

It was, however, a dinky little crowd.

Man, I hate that.

For one, this is the middle show of the season. This is supposed to be the one we pack every single day. Back in the old days, six or seven buses would show up every damn day from camps and day care centers. 300 was a small crowd. We’d top 1000 a few ties every season (in Tom McCabe’s day, 1000 was pretty typical -- his THREE BEARS played to 6000 over five performances), Yesterday … less that 100.

Why? Well, no camp groups, because, for some reason, nobody locked some intern in a closet from day one with a phone book and told them to start calling everybody to pitch the season. Why? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know why nobody took these very nice looking postcard/flyers around to every bookstore in the area so the hordes of kids buying Harry Potter this week got a nice little bookmark.

As I’ve said before, since the move to Williston, Summer Theatre has turned into a cute little theatre.

Man, I hate that. Oh, sure but was plenty quaint to do eight shows in eight weeks in a crumbling old tent. But there were usually good, professional shows -- yeah, we’d turn in a clunker or two every year, but three or four would be genuinely excellent.

Now … well, look, the theatre opened an excellent production of AFTER PLAY on the mainstage the night before. But the crowd was still small and it just felt like we were doing something so much less important.

Disillusionment as I get older? Yeah, probably. But, I really feel, especially with the children’s theatre in the old amphitheatre, that we were producing truly good shows that happened to be for kids. STONE SOUP … is a pretty good “cute little children’s play.”

And it bugs me because I know I’m writing much better stuff than I did back then. David’s a great composer and an excellent director for young actors. There are some strong performances here, and the costumes are fantastic.

The space hurts a lot. It ain’t a theatre space, and when we put cheap, ugly sets on it, it doesn’t help. (this one’s okay, but it could be a lot more professional looking)

Yet, I know I can feel like we’re doing something special there. EMPEROR proved that last season. That’s a show I’d put up against anything from the 80s or 90s.

This one … was a cute little play. Why the step back? No idea. Maybe because it’s the middle show, maybe they need to get two under their belts before they figure it out -- and from all reports, nothing about the first show this season helped them.

But, hell, after Tuesday, I’ll take a cute little play. Especially on which I now feel confident about. They have three buses coming in on Thursday, the weather is getting less humid. Everything’s in place for this to evolve into a helluva show.

I’ll tell you on Saturday if Darwin and I were right.

A very whiny post about STONE SOUP

Dress rehearsal, in a word, sucked.

Seriously. Blown lines, poorly covered for. Little to no energy. Sound cues that made it seem like the board operator was unfamiliar with the concept of buttons.

And slow ... slow slow slow.

I just don't get it. How many times does David have to tell them to pick up cues to spend more time with their scripts?

And the thing is, these are good, talented people. I like all of them. I want them to succeed for themselves, as well as for me. But this just makes it all the more baffling when they get stuck in this utter quagmire.

Okay ... got that off my chest.

Dress rehearsal started dreadful, got better inthe middle of act one, then sucked again by the ending, then got much better for act two. But it was nowhere near performance conditions.

So, in the afternoon, David did a speedthrough. At first I asked "on the set, right" and he said, no indoors in air conditioning. Okay, I thought. But I assumed they would be on their feet, racing through it. Nope. They just lay there, literally, mumbling lines moderately faster than usual, still with giant gaps between them. David managed to get them to sit up, but it still sucked.

Yes, I know. It's hot. They're tired. But you know what? Fuck that. I was in their place ten years ago and I was just as hot and tired and I still gave my performances all the energy I could muster. I never gave a performance that wasn't the best I was capable of at the time. And I was never, never slow.

Where are the instincts? Where's the sense of responsibility?

Okay ... shutting up now.

Look, I still think this'll be a decent show. Probably it'll open passably on Wednesday, then improve and be pretty good by Saturday. But this could be so much more.

I don't want to insult anyone or hurt feelings (that joke about the sound board was harsh, and actually, I bet they'll be perfect on opening). But how am I supposed to feel other than insulted and hurt when my work is treated with such disregard?

No, I don't believe that a bad dress rehearsal equals a good opening. I think that's like saying "well, the plane crashed in all the test flights, but it'll fly for the maiden voyage."

A live audience will help though.

I hope.

Soup, Two Nuts

Today’s forecast for our production of STONE SOUP is … mild concern.

Oh, the show is looking pretty good, I guess. But, well …

Tech day was Monday, and that day should really be about, well, tech. We should be able to stop worrying about actors for a moment and focus on the tech aspects, which, on this show, aren’t insignificant.

But still, I’m seeing actors forgetting blocking, screwing up moments David has given them notes about two or three times, lacking commitment, etc. In a couple of places, they’re still “playing the roles” instead of really playing the roles. But most of all … it’s just slow.

And that is the one thing this play cannot be. This needs to move at a breakneck pace. The second act, in particular is susceptible. That’s the big court scene. I knew that was a risk, having a scene about debate and such in a performance space where characters’ differences are usually settled via pie fight. But it could work if it goes blazingly fast.

Actors are never fast enough for me, I know. And it’s a failing on my part when I complain that they aren’t speaking quickly enough. There are any number of reasons why you shouldn’t talk too fast. But it’s the cues, the spaces between the lines that are killing us. Look at it this way … there are probably 300-400 lines of dialogue in this play. Suppose there were a one-second pause between every one. That’s five or six whole minutes of time. This play should only be an hour, including fifteen minutes for intermission. Five or six minutes could KILL you.

So, I have a lot to worry about. Oh, I think the show will be fine … should definitely be in shape by opening day.

But I worry. And I probably worry more because I’m powerless. All I can do is relate y concerns to David … he’s the director. I’m just a kibitzing playwright.

And, look, David is doing a great job. He’s perfectly tuned to direct my work. And he feels the same frustrations I do … just how many times can you tell actors to do it faster, louder … better?

But, like I said, I think we’re okay. I doubt this will top EMPEROR, but it should be a damn fine morning of theatre.

I want to talk briefly about the songs. David and I don’t really have a foolproof system for how to unify song and script yet, and this is our fourth time doing this. Working 200 miles apart doesn’t help.

On BREMEN TOWN MUSICIANS, I wrote the script and David and I chatted a few times about what songs would go where, so I knew where to put the holes for the songs. But I don’t think I heard the songs until rehearsals, and David didn’t write two that I had thought he would (I can’t recall if I knew this before I handed in the script).

With PIPER, David had all the songs except the finale worked out a few weeks ahead of time, so I was able to tweak the script pretty well to accommodate them -- working bits of expository dialogue into breaks between lyrics, creating more-or-less seamless lead-ins, etc. EMPEROR was like that, though we had the weird experience of working with a script I had written five years earlier that was just now being musicalized. David gave me the songs (which he more or less chose, as to which bits of dialogue to replace with music) on the Friday before we started rehearsals (I had been in Paris) and I had that one, jetlagged weekend to kit-bash the script to fit them in.

Somehow, this time we went back to the BREMEN method. I don’t know how that happened either. I wrote the script, with suggestions for where and what the songs should be. I assured David that these were all negotiable, and if he wanted to cut songs, create ones I hadn’t suggested, etc., it was all cool. But he seemed to like my ideas and wrote exactly the songs I suggested … sort of.

See, he put songs in the places I left room for them, but for the most part, they weren’t quite the songs I had expected.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re, to a song, as good or far, far better than the very loose ideas I had in mind. But it does go to show the peculiar places where David’s and my mind, usually quite compatible, diverge.

It’s like last year when I suggested a “veterinary love song” for the two juveniles in EMPEROR. I was thinking of a sweet, pun-filled flirtation song, kinda like the tennis song in CITY OF ANGELS. You know, plays on names of animals, veterinary terms (you know, all those veterinary terms we use all the time …), etc. Instead, David wrote a fun, silly song called “I Want to be a Vet,” with lines like “Like a band needs a majorette/I want to be a vet.”

This year’s songs …

“Here We Are” -- The baseline David and I started with was On the Town, so he and I both figured this would be "New York, New York." Problem is, that song already exists and it's not at all like what David writes. Then, in writing the lead-up to it, I somehow wound up writing it so that two of the soldiers think thw town is boring and one wants to give it a try and uses the song to convince the others. So I thought it would have lyrics about how great the town could be, in a small town way: "Maybe they invented the clothespin" and stuff.

But David made it a more personal song for the one soldier to sing, and since he's the country boy, he made it a hoedown. A very fun one, too.

"Stone Soup" -- Some day I will stop rewriting THE MUSIC MAN. Basically, that's been the last three musicals. Whoops. This is the song where Sarge pitches the Stone Soup idea to the town. I thought it would be "76 Trombones." Like, it's the three soldiers singing about how great Stone Soup is, about how their moms made it for them as kids, etc (Amanda thought it should have lyrics about all the other ingredients you add, but I think that's tipping our hand). David went a little deeper though and made it about the larger goal of the soup, to make everyone in town come together. Quite a pretty song (though it has no ending) and certainly effective.

"It Isn't Food Unless It's French" -- I threw a song into the middle of act one to cover a costume change. Really, that's why it's there. I figured the French chef character could sing a little quick number about ... I dunno, food. Or we could cut it. But David had this title in his head from the beginning and really wanted to write one. He tried to capture a French sound and it wasn't coming, so the song turned into this rocking cajun dance number for our chorus of children. Very fun.

"Love Song" -- Okay, that's a little generic, but there's no real chorus, other than "ooh" so what you gonna do. David joked early on that he wanted to write a sextet love song. But I took him at his word and wrote one for all three couples to sing to each other. David handled this one really cleverly and wrote underscoring that allows the actors to start singing pretty much at any time, so he could interweave my dialogue and his music. The result is really lovely, and, luckily, short, so we can get back to the wackiness quickly. This has the "you're the words to my favorite song" lyric, which as I said, I love. The part Sarge sings ("I've been where/Even brave men get very scared/I was a fool in a corner chair/It was you who kept me safe") is a little weird -- it sounds like something you'd say to a long-term lover rather than someone you just met. I think I'll add some dialogue for future performances and publications ... something about how Sarge stayed alive during the war by imagining someone he could come home to, and now he's met her.

"Chase" -- I got a little overambitious with the end of act one. I imagined a song that would start with the townfolk singing about how much they anticpated the soup, then turned into a chase when all hell broke loose, then turned back into a song for the act one finale, now baout how disappointed they were in Sarge and the gang. I knew it was a tall order, and ... well, it didn't happen. But that's cool. It works well the way we have it, with it sounding like we'll reprise "Stone Soup" then some really great chase music comes in. Great act finale.

"Stone Throw Jail" -- I think that's what it's called. I forget. This is the only song that is pretty much exactly what I expected. My only request was that it should be "Like the act-two opener in HAIRSPRAY, except not so lame." David thinks he ripped off "Jailhouse Rock" and, yeah, he did, but it's a really great, energetic song. The only problem is, I didn't write "real" dialogue to lead into it, and what David has placed there seems ... well, sounds like it was invented in rehearsal. Also, I think the staging is a little frantic. But the song itself is great.

Elty's Song -- This is, by far, the least motivated song I have ever dropped into a show. Lt. Elty just says "I want to sing a song about how awesome I am." And David wrote some truly wonderfully awful lyrics "I am the singer of this song/It's not too short, it's not too long." Our actress is great, but not a singer, and takes fulls advantage of how ridiculous she sounds singing. Again, I think staging is a little weird, until we get Secondcop on to dance ... and he can really dance.

"You Gotta Believe" -- Well, I knew enough not to tell David Nields how to write a finale. As always, he knocked it out of the park, and timed it with the dialogue perfectly.

Something must have held up the owl ...

As you recall, I was planning on doign along Harry Potter post on Friday. I didn't get to it then, and then Saturday morning I started to write, but it was long and rambling and had no point. Yeah, what else is new.

Anyway, below, here are Saturday's incomplete, formless Potter thoughts. I'll probably take up the topic again, soon.

But first, we've all heard the rumors about the "Every Potter book is based on a Beatles album" thingy, right? Well, as I understand it, here's how that breaks down ...

Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone ... Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Begins in the past "It was 20 years ago today." Important lessons: I get by with a little help from my friends.

Chamber of Secrets ... Magical Mystery Tour

More whimsical and satirical. Important lessons: all you need is love.

Prisoner of Azkaban ... Rubber Soul

Rowling breaks out of the "book for kids" mold to show what a rich, complex world this is. Important lessons: In my life (I love you more.) Think for yourself.

Goblet of Fire ... The Beatles (The White Album)

Experimental, exploring the world, sometimes less than wholly successfully (though clearly, Rowling didn't plan that part). Important lessons: (You say you want a) revolution (... you better free your mind instead)

Order of the Phoenix ... Revolver

Often grim, sometimes bleak, but with hope. Important lessons: Tomorrow never knows.

To early to say on the last two, of course, though we can assume one will be Abbey Road and one will be Let it Be, depending on which Rowling considers "the last Beatles album."

Okay, now that scattershot Saturday entry ...





I could try to pretend I’m writing this before I bought my copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, but I would be lying.

Sorry, see this STONE SOUP thing has kept me on my toes, so I couldn’t crank an entry out before midnight. Also, it was my freakin’ birthday.

Anyway, I have the copy and … I’m not reading it yet. See, I had decided I needed to reread Book 5 (Order of the Phoenix) first to make sure I remembered everything.

Here’s one thing I had forgotten … it’s a great freakin’ book. I’d forgotten that. I remembered it being rather grim … and very long. But I forgot what a great blend of mystery, thrills, and comedy it is, how skillfully Rowling brings together little bits and pieces of her fantasy world. The characters have gotten so rich and fleshed out by now, that the littlest hint of interaction between supporting players can turn into a great scene. That scene where Dumbledore announces he has found a new Divination teacher, and Firenze the centaur trots in? Masterful.

I remembered thinking when I first read it that A) this was decidedly a book written after JK Rowling had become an international celebrity. There’s so much stuff about Harry dealing with tabloids, bad press about himself, etc. I can’t imagine that JK Rowling is as much a target of the notorious British tabloid press as your average Spice Girl, but I’m sure she’s had to put up with a lot.

It’s also B) the first book written after films had been made. It’s quite filmic, like she’s writing little parts for the CGI guys. At times she’s practically writing “the camera zoomed in on the doors swinging open and Hagrid staggering in.” Nothing seriously wrong with that, of course.

And it’s tempting to read it as C) a post-9/11 book. All the material about repression of the truth, paranoia, fascist government decrees, etc. You could also read it as a conservative take on that, though -- with foolish liberals sitting on their hands with their bean sprouts and pottery, while evil grows in the world. My guess is that Rowling is probably a lefty, but what do I know? And it doesn’t really matter -- it may be informed by current events, but it’s no allegory.

Perhaps the greatest creation of the book is Dolores Umbridge, the series' first real female villain, and the first unaffiliated with Voldemort. Hey, I love the Dark Lord, but we’ve all seen demonic magical masterminds in fiction before. But a kitten-loving cardigan wearing evil bureaucrat … that’s new.

So I’ll finish book five today or tomorrow and get stuck into book six. I’m intrigued.

What does “The Half Blood Prince” mean? There’s been no hint that there is a monarchy within the Wizarding World. Is there? Is this Prince the Prince of some other country?

For that matter, here’s something I’ve debated with other fans … is the Ministry of Magic entirely self contained, or is it a shadow branch of the regular British Government? Like, Tony Blair named a minister of Finance, Defense, Silly Walks, etc., then secretly appointed Fudge M of M? (hardcore fans point out that the books are set from 1991-1998, so technically John Major was PM for most of that)

I’ve read a bunch of web stuff, including some very fun Q&As with Rowling on her own website, and archived interviews on The Harry Potter Lexicon.

For one, I’m intrigued to see that she doesn’t want fans to feel sympathetic for Snape. Hmm … ‘cause I’m totally in this guy’s corner. Yeah, he’s mean to Harry, but sometimes Harry is an insufferable shit. But he’s saved his life, and risked his own to fight Voldemort, and has evidently had a brutal childhood and adolescence. I feel like, if Dumbledore trusts him, I should. But now I wonder … has this all been a setup?

She also seems to have dropped the whole “hey, Harry might die” game she was playing for a while. I never bought it for a minute, myself.

Luckily, she hasn’t been playing up the death angle so much this time. Last time so much of the promotion was “Read the book and see who dies” -- there probably is at least one death in this one, but I’ve heard much less about it.

Other things …

Lily Potter intrigues me. It’s supposed to be important that Harry has her eyes, and they’re green … which is the Slytherin color. I had thought it was possible that young Lily Evans was a Slytherin herself. But apparently in some other texts – not an actual book – JKR has said Lily was a Griffindor, too. Still, it’s also suggested that Voldemort didn’t necessarily want to kill Lily … hmm …

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 5 …

I had a fun idea for this one. Harry keeps trying, at the end of 5 to find some way to contact the deceased Sirius. Meanwhile, all his ancestors had portraits painted of them which could talk. Might there be one of Sirius? Perhaps poorly done, so it’s not a good representation? Harry tries to talk to it and finds it frustratingly unlike the real thing?

The development of Ginny as a character has been fantastic. From shy little girl to self-possesed young woman, considerably more mature than Harry or Ron. Amanda hopes she'll wind up with Harry, and perhaps she will. I'd probably prefer is Harry weren't paired up romantically at series end. Really, how many of us meet our lifelong mates in high school.

I'm fascinated by the places where JKR has kept brilliant notes and plotted things out ingeniously, and the places where she just clearly hasn't thought things through. I know kids love Quidditch, but the game makes no freaking sense at all. 150 points for catching the snitch? 10 for a goal? But what sort of game has something worth ten points but nothing worth less than that? Yeah, I know she came up with a historical explanation, but still. Also, I think the movies made a very wise choice in dressing the characters in more than just robes. Yes, I know wizards dress differently from muggles, and yes, students at Oxford wore robes all the time as recently as the 19th century, but come on! No pants at all?

In fact, in general, I'm not quite sure how Wizards seem to know so little of muggle life.

A soupcon of SOUP

Okay, so … day one for me as an observer of STONE SOUP.

It was Day 4 for the cast, though. Coming in that late in the process was a little weird. I love hearing the first readthrough and seeing how the actors mature in the parts over the week.

As it is I kinda caught them in the middle. The more experienced ones are tweaking the choices they started with, while the younger ones are finding their feet. As such, I’ve caught them in a slightly muddled state.

They’ll come together. It seems like a talented, energetic group. From what I’ve heard, their experience on CH_RL_TT_’S W_B, the first show of the season, was a little negative. They clashed with the director and didn’t have much fun.

Now, this won’t be, couldn’t be a problem with David Nields directing. He’s incredibly good with young actors, and knows how to walk that line between riding them hard enough to coax good performances out, and being a friendly likable guy … he’s better at that than I am, certainly.

Overall, I am not as blazingly enthusiastic about SOUP, yet, as I was about EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES at this point last year. Part of that is that that was the third show, whereas we’re looking at the middle one here. Last year, the actors had two shows to find their children’s theatre tools, even though they had a dip in energy and quality between TREASURE ISLAND and the middle show last year, they still had the right vibe. Actors who stumbled in finding characters in TI had bold choices in place from day one.

From what I’ve heard, the director of CW wasn’t very good about encouraging choices and experimentation. We also have a ringer brought in to play Sarge, who doesn’t have children’s theatre experience. He looks perfect for the part, and sings well, but he’s still learning, like so many actors, how to treat it seriously and respectfully, while still being fun and silly.

The rest of the cast is strong. John Albano, one of my favorite children’s theatre actors of all time -- certainly one of my favorite high-school age ones, is, of course, knocking the role of Sully the cab driver out of the park. I also love what the young apprentice (Chantal) is doing as Lieutenant Elty, the policewoman. She’s a tiny little thing, which is perfect for this overly enthusiastic bully of a cop. My favorite performance right now might be another apprentice, Gunnar, as Officer Secondcop. I wrote the character as a sort of Stan Laurel stooge type, following Elty around like a puppy. That’s there, but Gunnar has also brought this wonderfully dim sweetness to Secondcop. Yeah, he’s coming across mildly retarded, but not in an offensive way. Oh, and the actress playing Penelope, the farmer’s daughter is note-perfect. Really looks the part, too.

David had written me to warn me that one actor had very distinct mannerisms … to be blunt, gay mannerisms that he couldn’t quite hide. They don’t hurt the character much at all, though. It actually turns a fairly generic idea into something distinct.

Everyone else is fine, or going to be. In general, the older, intern actors are the ones in that middle stage, and I’m definitely not seeing all they can give yet. We’re also fighting serious heat, which can really suck the life out of anyone. And, of course, we’re at that “almost off book” stage so there’s a lot of late cues and calling for line. This show will only work at breakneck speed, and that’s just not possible yet.

My script … I’m seeing some flaws. Some stuff works better on the page, and I should have a better ear now (I forsee that in BEAUTY, too … dammit). Who knows how the scene where the cooking students pelt Sully with seasoning will work. Similarly, I really hope Cow Cow comes across -- this character is, yes, a cow … a tough cow. She doesn’t talk, she only says “moo.” But it doesn’t sound like a cow, just like a person saying moo, and each moo has a parenthetical description of what it means, like (“Do you expect me to believe that?”) … but it’s just one moo. Great idea on paper. Not sure if it’ll work on stage. The actress is very solid, given how little she has to work with. I think the role will be aided greatly by costuming. Costume parade on Thursday afternoon.

Incidentally, the actress playing Cow Cow is black, and yes, the anxious liberal in me in nervous about that. Is it degrading to cast the one actor of color as the monosyllabic animal role (and a sassy one at that)? She just played Wilbur in CW, so it’s been a livestock-heavy season. She will however be Beauty in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, so I think we’ll be cool.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to write the character of Hildy as another pleasant, intelligent, not very interesting and not very fun leading lady, as I’ve done far too many times before. But, dammit, this is a crowded play, there wasn’t much room for her to be anything else.

The actress is excellent though, and she’ll find shading.

As for David’s music. Great, of course. There probably aren’t any songs that blow me away quite as much as “More Than This” from EMPEROR or “Home is Where the Story Starts” from PIED PIPER, to name two of my favorites … yet, I may change my mind once I see them in full performance. Oddly, a lot of them don’t really have an ending. On the backing tracks, they just go on and on. We’ll be fading them, or interrupting the music with dialogue (one song during the court room scene ends when the judge gavels the court to order and reminds the singer she didn’t have permission for a song recess). I think this is fine, though it will mean we won’t be getting applause after some songs.

Some wonderful lyrics, too. Joining the list of great romantic lyrics David has created has to be this one line:

“You’re the words to my favorite song.”

Perfect.

THOTS: Sort of …

Fewer THOTS this time, and some are really too long to qualify. But, then, I went way too long last time.

I’m heading out tonight for Western Mass for a little while. I’m going to sit in on rehearsals of STONE SOUP, stay till opening day, then come back and take Amanda to see closing day. So I want to clear my THOTS notebook before I head out. You’ll be getting lots of blogging about SOUP, and then BEAUTY over the next few weeks. I know they don’t mean much to you, since you don’t know the scripts and won’t see the plays. But theoretically this is why I started this blog. (oh, Friday will be about Harry Potter, of course … though the day is something important for another reason … hint hint).

STONE SOUP started rehearsals on Monday. I had a little scare when I sent in an email with some corrections to some lines and David emailed back saying “there seem to be two scripts.”

Aaah! Yes! Two scripts, as in the first draft and the one I actually want you to perform! You know, the shorter, better one?

Luckily, David is doing the second draft … mostly. He seems to like the original opening. I prefer the shorter one, with audience participation – feels more children’s theatrey. But David’s the boss, and it’s not like I hate the original.

More fun SOUP updates you won’t care about soon!

Oh, and don’t forget …

To read my brilliant Fantastic Four screenplay treatment.

And to add to the list of great movie lines AFI left off their top 100. (now it’s own entry, which I will update to keep it permanent)

Okay, THOTS now.

Celebrity Sightings:

Quite a few. For one, I saw Gordon Clapp again. Yeah, again. I think he’s stalking me.

I also saw the cast of Comedy Central’s “Stella” shooting a sketch at Columbia. They were in Lerner Hall, but had dressed it up to look like an Italian airline office. I watched for a while but didn’t disturb. Maybe I should have said hi to Michael Showalter or David Wain. Showalter spoke to Max a while back about comedy (he’s also a Brown alum), and he and I share a publisher -- Playscripts, Inc. handles both my JEKYLL AND HYDE and his and Joe Lo Truglio, and David Wain’s SEX A.K.A. WEINERS AND BOOBS.

But most significantly, I ran into Justin Long for the first time in years. Justin was at Vassar when I was there – two years below me. Last time I saw him was when I came back to visit and he told us a story about an audition he had for some of David Letterman’s people. Well, that audition went pretty well, seeing how it turned into a recurring role on “Ed” (which costarred the other guy from “Stella,” Michael Ian Black), and eventually Jeepers Creepers, Dodgeball, etc. He was doing some sort of promotional thing for Herbie: Fully Loaded outside of Madison Square Garden. I didn’t see if Lindsey was there … then again, you can’t see her at all when she’s standing sideways, these days. But the car was there, though I didn’t notice till I finished talking with Justin. He was very pleasant and asked about me and my career. I genuinely think Justin is a very talented guy and I wish him well … and I’m only moderately jealous of not only his success, but the fact that he got to play love scenes with both Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan before they got all freaky looking.

This isn’t exactly a celeb sighting, since I haven’t seen him in person … for a while. Hence it’s status as a separate THOT.

So, as was nicely pointed out to me, there was a Brandeis student on “Beauty and the Geek,” the reality show.

What was not pointed out to me was that it was a guy I’d had class with.

This was a class I and my two fellow class of ’04 playwrights Meron and Sarah (Tina joined our class later) were required to take our second semester at Brandeis – Dramatic Structure, basically a literature class with an eye towards seeing how plays were constructed. It was a good class, with an excellent professor … but there was a problem. Well, there were a few problems and they were the undergrads in the class. Yeah, it was us three, and four undergrads. Now, one of them I liked a lot. Seriously, he was smart and talented. I saw a play he’d written the next year and I thought it was quite good, excellent for a first attempt. But then there were the others … it wasn’t that they were bad people. Mostly it was just that their background was so much less solid than ours. Every class we needed to spend a ton of time on rather remedial aspects of drama, mythology, etc.

Anyway, Richard, the guy from “Beauty and the Geek” was one of them.

What was he like? Well, the show got it pretty much right.

Oh, I was still rooting for him, mostly because the other guy came off as such a smug prick. See, Richards’ obliviousness was more obvious, but the other guy’s was actually more insidious, because he took a certain pride in it.

That is the fatal flaw of all geeks, myself included. We just don’t realize how much our behavior differentiates from the norm, or that the manner it does isn’t fun and quirky. And we really unaware how uncomfortable we’re making other people.

Y’know, my birthday is on Friday, and all I really want is Karl Rove to become the prison bitch of a man named “Shiv.”

Remember how I said, when Amanda was off to China, that I had to watch the house and water the plants? Yeah, I kinda forgot. I really, really suck. Talk about oblivious.

I got a very nice check from Eldridge Publishing for my royalties for the first half of the year. As is usually the case, CASEY AT THE BAT was the big grosser, with a decent chunk coming from PUSS IN BOOTS. My grand total of income from RAPUNZEL … ninety cents.

I’m trying to start a rumor that every Harry Potter novel is based on a different Beatles album. Like, Sorcerer’s Stone is based on Sgt. Pepper and Goblet of Fire is based on Magical Mystery Tour. Pass it on, remembering that it’s utter hogwash.

I’ve complained about the new nickel before but now that it’s out … have you seen this thing? It looks like the camera taking Jefferson’s picture got jostled at the last minute.

Seriously, I’m getting a cold NOW? Right before I go to Summer Theatre? This is not fair.

Did you see the footage of that kid at the National Spelling Bee doing a Napoleon Dynamite impression? Cute, but he blew the line. It’s “Do the chickens have large talons?” The kid left out the “the,” making it sound like he was asking a general question about poultry physiology, or creating a new rhetorical phrase like “does a bear shit in the woods?” or “is the Pope a former Nazi?”

Have you ever used the word “cop” around an actual police officer? I know they say it themselves all the time. But I feel like it would be rude of me to say it, unless I knew one, personally.

The Weekend of July 12, 2003

I did this last year. Here are some you haven't seen. This year is a mix of professional and amateur photos.

Two years is cotton or China, if you're curious ...

The Rehearsal















The Rehearsal Dinner






My cousin Ben wasn't allowed to bring his own dog, since it couldn't stay in the dorm we were in at Sweet Briar. However, one of the bridesmaids, who lived driving distance away, also had a Shiba Enu (sp?) ... Ben was rather fond of Nunu.




Gifts for the bridesmaids


Yes, I gave my Groomsmen George Foreman grills ... you wanna make something of it?

The Bridal Party Goes 'A-vandalizing


It is a Sweet Briar tradition to spray the hitching post.


And the rock








The next day, out of painty clothes ...

The Day Itself







Tex, Amanda's grandfather



Tex kisses Doyne, Amanda's mother



Moms


Dad




It's official


The Wedding Party Hits Campus for Photos







We think this one looks like the final scene in a modern dress Shakespeare ... apparently Ben is our butler.


Meanwhile ...



When does that Wedding Party arrive so we can start, y'know ... the wedding party.




We begin ...















My cousin Tessa loved Amanda and her dress



My cousin Eli, our youngest guest



Babyfight! (Eli vs Amanda's cousin Kai)


Babyfight 2!








Bye folks.

And, no, it wasn't (FF Geek Out Day Part Two)

So, yes, I saw the Fantastic Four movie over the weekend.

And yes, it was a real disappointment.

Oh, on it’s own, it’s passable summer entertainment. A decent popcorn movie like The Mummy or something. But as an interpretation of the source material … a real disappointment.

It is definitely not as good as my treatment, I can say with no false modesty. And I think my treatment is highly flawed, need I remind you.

I don’t want to turn this site into a movie review blog. But, as I said before, this is something important to me. I really love those characters and those stories and it saddens me so much to see them gotten so wrong. This is especially hard to take when Hollywood FINALLY got Batman right this summer. We have a new model for how good a superhero movie can be, and already it’s flushed away.

See, apparently FF is the first movie in weeks to gross more on it’s opening weekend than the film that opened the corresponding weekend last year did. Got that? So now suddenly Hollywood is out of its slump.

Except there wasn’t a slump, really, this is still on it’s way to being the third biggest box office summer of all time.

But I was hoping Hollywood would believe the hype and think it IS slumping, so that they might possibly realize that people aren’t all that interested in paying over 10 dollars, plus a fortune for snacks to sit in a theatre and watch commercials.

Anyway, FF is a hit. More people will be familiar with this version of the characters than had ever heard of the originals. And this distresses me because of just how wrong they got them …

SPOILERS AHEAD



Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic: In the comics, a strong, clear-headed leader and father figure (even, at times, a father figure to his wife, which is creepy and wrong and very 1960s, but that’s over and done with). Yes, it’s a peculiar sort of man who takes his fiancée and her 16 year old brother up in an experimental rocket with unproven shielding. But it’s a man of great honor and foresight who realizes that he and his family have been given extraordinary powers and they have the ability to become the world’s greatest heroes AND explorers.

In the movie … a wishy washy failure of a nerd. Indecisive, cowardly, easily pushed around. Because, in Hollywood, you can’t be an intellectual and have a backbone. Unheard of.

And I hate that this Reed tries to hide the group’s powers and work on a cure. Now, of course, a man like Reed is going to try to cure Ben, at least, and maybe the others too (since their conditions could conceivably progress to something worse). But he can do both – help the world and help his family. And no, this didn’t ever make comic book Reed seem unrealistic, within the confines of a fantasy world where Earth’s greatest scientific mind is also a rubber super hero.

I didn’t see much of Mark Waid’s recent run on the series, and didn’t especially dig what I did see, but I did kinda like the idea that part of Reed’s motivation in turning his little group into superheroes and media sensations was psychological. See, if they wallow in fear over what’s happened to them, they’re lives are over. If they embrace it, do talk shows, sell t-shirts, etc. then they’ll be much happier about it. It’s his way of making up for his one, great mistake.

Basically, it takes movie Reed the whole film to realize what takes comic Reed about two minutes. Guess which character I find more appealing and interesting.

Oh, and Ioan Gruffud is totally wrong for the role. I can handly a Welsch actor in the part, but his American accent is touch and go. He’s too young (32 … acceptable for Reed’s first appearance, I guess, but not when Ben is played by a 42-year old) and too short (Reed CANNOT be shorter than Johnny). Oh, and could they have made the gray at the temples a little more fake looking?

I know people say “in real life, people don’t gray at the temples.” But, um … that’s where my gray is coming in. And OH DEAR GOD do I hate that they made the gray hair part of his transformation. Ack!



Sue Storm/The Invisible Woman: Well, apart from young Latina hottie as a blond schicksa princess, Alba is too young, too. I can handle Sue as a scientist, though I don’t love it. I guess there needs to be some excuse to get her up in space (I think mine was pretty good). And you want her to be more equal to Reed and the others, understandably, than she was in the comics.

But you don’t have to sacrifice her compassionate motherly side. They allude in the film to the way the characters’ powers reflect their personalities – Ben is tough, Johnny is firey of temper, Reed can “stretch” his mind (and I always thought that was a stretch itself). Sue fits in with her invisibility coming from shyness … but that’s kinda lame, eh? The boys get aggressive powers because of their most aggressive traits, while Sue gets a stealth power because of a failing? When they added the forcefield power, she became perhaps the most powerful member and it fits the side of her personality I like the most – she’s protective of her loved ones. This can manifest itself in ferocity at times, and they did get that right. But again the flaw of casting someone too young comes through. Sue is the Mom in this family. A 24-year old can’t really convey that (in 2005 … a 1961 Sue would have been about that age).



Ben Grimm/ The Thing: They actually got him okay. Not perfect but okay.

I even warmed to the costume. It would be pretty hard to bring an exactly replica of Kirby’s art to life … especially after he gained that Sinnott-aided eyebrow. It could work in CGI. But, then again, this whole film would probably have been better as all-CGI animation. Of course, they already did that and it was called The Incredibles. Sigh.

Chiklis is probably the best actor in the cast, which goes a long way to make up for him being too old and too plain-looking for the part (Ben really needs to be the cutest boy in school to make his tragedy more powerful). But in general he gets Ben’s pathos right and provided a mediocre film with a decent hear at its center.

And I can also handle Ben being from Brooklyn instead of Manhattan (Yancy Street is either code for Delancy Street or somewhere in Hell’s Kitchen, depending whom you ask). The kind of hardscrabble life he needs to have come from is less and less common for Jewish kids in Manhattan.

(I might quibble that Ben was a little too gullible, falling for Doom’s scheme, but Ben has been tricked a little too easily in the comics, too, and he didn’t have too much reason to distrust Doom in the movie, I guess …)


Johnny Storm/The Human Torch: Another decent interpretation. No, this isn’t the teenage Johnny of the sixties, but Johnny really stopped acting 16 pretty early on. This is, I would bet, more or less how Lee and Kirby would have created Johnny if they were working today. They should have done more with his temper, but the got the reckless playfulness right.



Victor Von Doom/Doctor Doom: Fine. Sure. Take the greatest villain in comic book history (possible exception: the Joker) and turn him painfully generic.

Man did they drop the ball here. Comic book Doom is a fascinating mix between science and magic. The son of a gypsy witch, who happens to have the second-greatest scientific mind on Earth. A megalomaniacal egotist who seeks to rule the world – but also wants his mommy back.

What do we get in the movie? A run-of-the-mill corporate greedcat with some interest in science. Okay, I’ll accept a capitalist mastermind instead of the King of a mythical country as a more accessible way to show a lust for power to modern audiences. But, well, for one, we just saw this with Norman Osborne in Spider-Man. For another, the Doom I know wouldn’t allow himself to be pushed around by a board of directors.

And he definitely wouldn’t pursue Sue romantically (there is a great love triangle in FF history, but it’s Reed/Sue/Sub-Mariner). Doom has no need for love because his ego won’t allow him to believe that there is anything missing in his life that another human could supply.

And, y’know, they could’ve had a truly great, chilling scene, right out of Lee/Kirby. Doom thinks his face is hideously scarred and needs to hide it with a mask. So he takes an uncooled metal mask directly from the fire and puts it right on his face, further scarring his face, this time irreparably.

But they blew it.

Also, it’s more interesting when his pathological need to blame Reed Richards for everything has, like, NO basis in reality. Somehow Reed pointing out flaws in Doom’s calculations makes it his fault when those flaws lead to a near-fatal accident. As it is, Doom has every right to be pissed at Reed.

Oh, and everybody calling Doom “Victor” or “Vic” instead of “Doom.” Anger … rising …

As for getting metal/electric powers? Shrug. More interesting when he got them from a suit of armor he built himself.

Look, am I sounding like the ultimate whining fanboy here? The kind Hollywood laughs at and disregards?

Maybe, but … look, I’m a writer. I have an MFA in Playwriting. I specialize in adaptation.

So I know that you need to make some changes when you bring something from one medium to another. I’ve done that plenty of times in adapting stories for the stage. Sometimes I make changes out of necessity (more parts for women, length), or because I’m doing a tale told many times and I’ve decided to tell it in a different genre (adding more romance to PRINCESS AND THE PEA – this would not work on FF, though, since that is hardly an oft-told tale … Superman, on the other hand …), and sometimes because I think I’m actually improving a story, or updating it for modern audiences (giving Rapunzel more control over her own fate).

So I wouldn’t mind Hollywood making changes to the Fantastic Four … if the changes had been improvements. Hell, I think the movie Dr. Octopus is a better, more interesting character than the one in the comics.

But every single change they made for this movie made the characters less interesting, gave the story less punch, impact, and heart.

Here, by the way, is the movie’s greatest sin, which goes beyond it’s lack of understanding of the characters.

It doesn’t understand heroism.

Think … what do the characters do with their powers that’s at all heroic?

Two things: they save a fire truck from going off a bridge, and they stop Doom from causing harm to New York.

Now, this is REMARKABLY few things for four heroes to do in a whole movie. Superman does more than that his first night on patrol in his first movie. Spider-Man takes care of more badness in a montage in his.

Plus! Both of those WERE THEIR FAULT! The Thing basically causes the car accidents, though they’re not wholly his fault. And Doom’s only reason for risking so many New Yorker’s lives were to get revenge on Reed.

(yeah, this is pretty common in comic books and it bothers me – are heroes really much use if villains are constantly doing major damage to the cities they live in solely out of revenge? I think if I ever wrote comics I would try to have more stories about heroes foiling villains plans for conquest, thievery, etc., and fewer grudge matches)

Oh, and their big plan to defeat Doom ... kill him? NO! Superheroes don't kill! Reed is the smartest man in the world ... he could figure something out.

I am intrigued by the places where this movie and my treatment intersect. Both have Doom offering to cure Ben and succeeding where Reed fails. Both have Ben deciding to turn himself back into the Thing (this is a variation on a moment in “The Battle of the Baxter Building” one of my favorite FF stories of all time, though Ben is more reluctant there). And both have him greeting Doom with a hearty “it’s clobberin’ time.”

But my origin of the phrase is better.

Movie Quotes That Should Have Been in AFI's Top 100

As contributed by you, the readers ...




"I'll have a steak sandwich...and a steak sandwich."

"It's all ball bearings these days....HEY!"

and countless others from Fletch.

"looks like I quit the wrong week to quit drinking." -- Airplane

"But sir...Charlie's on that beach."
"Charlie don't surf!"
Apocalypse Now


"It's a sad and Beautiful World."
-- Down By Law

"And when Alexanfder saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.--Benefits of a classical Education."
Alan Rickman in Die Hard

And while we're at it the cancel Christmas line he does in Robin Hood. (though I can't quote it exactly.

"Life is pain! Anyone telling you different is selling you something."
and
"Why didn't you list that as one of our assets?"
from Princess Bride

Are ou gonna talk about these in a future post? I look forward to it.
tom reing | 06.30.05 - 1:01 pm | #



I would say if you were going to pick an Alan Rickman Robin Hood quote it should be the line about cutting his heart out with a spoon - "because it's DULL you idiot!"

And it is indeed a crime that no Princess Bride lines are in there. How could they leave off Inigo????
Alison | Homepage | 06.30.05 - 1:12 pm | #


And how did "you ain't heard nothin' yet" from the Jazz Singer get only to be #71?
tom reing | 06.30.05 - 1:26 pm | #



This is a tough list to compile, because "greatest" is a vague designation. Sometimes the best quotes aren't the most famous, and vice versa. It looks like they did a decent job compiling the obvious picks for the most part, but any list like this is gonna risk being either pandering or alienating. So it's stupid to complain, but here are some thoughts.

There should be about fifty more Godfather quotes. Where the hell is "Leave the gun. Take the cannolis."? Or "It means that Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes."?

Nothing from "Pulp Fiction?" Suck my rod, AFI. "Royale with cheese," or "Any of you fucking pricks move..." or "Zed's dead" or "Bring out the Gimp" or any of a dozen other lines should certainly bump Dirty freakin' Dancing.

I just skimmed the list so mayybe I missed it, but "They may take our lives but they'll never take our freedom!" should have been a gimme.

No "One ring to rule them all" etc.?

"What kind of a world is it when a man dressed up like a bat gets all my press?"

"That's what I love about these high school girls. I get older, they stay the same age." "Dazed and Confused" might not be the best-known movie, but it's the shit and that line is quoted endlessly.

Speaking of endless quoting, you can't make a sandwich without someone referencing "The Big Lebowski." Maybe it's so quotable that there isn't any one line that's the obvious choice. But, man, it'd be good to see it on the list.

"Every time a bell rings. . ." or something from that movie should definitely have made the cut.

And, of course, "We're the Three Ninjas!" as spoken in unison by Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum, in "Casablanca."

I'm sure I'm missing something. This is fun, let's keep going.
Abraham Smith your brother | 06.30.05 - 2:14 pm | #




Also, there has to be something from one of the Indiana Jones movies. Anyone?
Abraham Smith your brother | 06.30.05 - 2:17 pm | #




"Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip!"

For actual popularity, I can't believe they left out The Princess Bride, or even RHPS. (Although RHPS could run afoul of the song-lyric issue.)

(please note: I'm not actually reading the list but relying on what people have mentioned)

"Luke - i am your father."

"Ray, when someone asks if you're a God, you say "Yes!""

"I see dead people."

("Grease") "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."

"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Dave S. | 06.30.05 - 2:49 pm | #



Noah: I agree about Maltese Falcon, but I don't think we're in the minority. The Big Sleep is a great movie, but it makes no freaking sense.

I'd like to support there being some Raiders quotes in there. How about "Bad dates" or "I hate snakes"? Or my favorite, "They're digging in the wrong place!"

And I'm having a hard time discerning between actual fame/importance and my childhood self, meaning a childhood part of me demands that "Do NOT go in there!" and "Ninja, Ninja Rap! Ninja, Ninja Rap! GO GO GO GO GO" MUST be included.
Max | Homepage | 06.30.05 - 3:08 pm | #





I'm not so good at quoting movies, but one that I've carried with me all these years (and it's not that great a movie, either) is from Stand and Deliver, with Edward James Almos. These kids are accused of stealing the answers to a standardized test, and the guy says, "where'd you get the answers?" and the kid responds, "The mailman. I killed him. His body's decomposing in my locker. It's my science project."

Or what about "you stay alive! I will find you!"
Kate S. | 06.30.05 - 4:16 pm | #




Olmos. not Almos. (my bad)
Kate S. | 06.30.05 - 4:18 pm | #



"No matter where you go, there you are."
-Buckaroo Bonzai

"I have a bad feeling about this"
-Every Star Wars, even the shitty ones
(although sometimes I think it might be I've got)

My favorite line from The Muppet Movie is when Kermit's talking to Kermit and he says "Well, then?" but it TOTALLY senseless out of context. In context it may be the best delivery of any line ever, and it's by a friggin' puppet!

"Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a gangster."
-Goodfellahs (although most would probably pick "exactly how am I funny")

"The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one."
-Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

(remindedy by Benari)
"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me."
-Harvey
Ross | Homepage | 07.01.05 - 1:58 pm | #

Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts

Okay, let’s sort some stuff out here.

One of my favorite Bob Dylan songs would have to be “Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts.” Nice tune, fun lyrics and, it seems, a neat story … which, on close inspection, seems to make no sense.

Or does it? Let’s investigate, verse by verse.


The festival was over and the boys were all planning for a fall
The cabaret was quiet except for the drilling in the wall
The curfew had been lifted and the gambling wheel shut down
Anyone with any sense had already left town
He was standing in the doorway looking like the Jack of Hearts.

We seem to be in some sort of quasi-Western scene – a lawless town. We hear no more of this “festival.” At the moment, we don’t have any explanation as to who is drilling into the wall of the cabaret or why.



He moved across the mirrored room "Set it up for everyone" he said
Then everyone commenced to do what they were doin' before he turned their heads
Then he walked up to a stranger and he asked him with a grin
"Could you kindly tell me friend what time the show begins ?"
Then he moved into the corner face down like the Jack of Hearts.

Okay, here’s our protagonist. A stranger in town? It seems. No one is greeting him or reacting to him like anyone they know. But he's a nice enough guy ... buys people drinks. Oh, and we’re definitely in a saloon with a floorshow, presumably the cabaret we’ve heard of.

Backstage the girls were playing five card stud by the stairs
Lily had two queens she was hoping for a third to match her pair
Outside the streets were filling up, the window was open wide
A gentle breeze was blowing, you could feel it from inside
Lily called another bet and drew up the Jack of Hearts.

Ah, so this show has girls in it, as saloon cabarets always seem to.

The weather report seems insignificant.


Big Jim was no one's fool, he owned the town's only diamond mine
He made his usual entrance looking so dandy and so fine
With his bodyguards and silver cane and every hair in place
He took whatever he wanted to and he laid it all to waste
But his bodyguards and silver cane were no match for the Jack of Hearts.


Okay, seems we’ve met our hero, girl, and now our villain. Exactly what sort of western town has a diamond mine, we don’t know. Maybe this is actually in Africa somewhere (except that they mention Mexico later). But we have a clear picture of a wealthy, omnivorous bully.


Rosemary combed her hair and took a carriage into town
She slipped in through the side door looking like a queen without a crown
She fluttered her false eyelashes and whispered in his ear
"Sorry darling, that I'm late", but he didn't seem to hear
He was starring into space over at the Jack of Hearts.

Okay, thought it’s not fully clear yet, the “he” in this verse is Big Jim. Rosemary – a character who seems not to fit into an obvious slot -- is his wife … or the equivalent. She seems devoted to him and wants to be attractive for him.

"I know I've seen that face somewhere" Big Jim was thinking to himself
"Maybe down in Mexico or a picture up on somebody’s shelf"
But then the crowd began to stamp their feet and the house lights did dim
And in the darkness of the room there was only Jim and him
Starring at the butterfly who just drew the Jack of Hearts.

Ah, Jim seems to recognize Jack. Meanwhile, the show has started (it seems we have electricity in this saloon, though that’s probably neither here nor there) and Lilly is performing, drawing both men’s attention.


Lily was a princess she was fair-skinned and precious as a child
She did whatever she had to do she had that certain flash every time she smiled
She'd come away from a broken home had lots of strange affairs
With men in every walk of life which took her everywhere
But she's never met anyone quite like the Jack of Hearts.

Okay, background on Lily … seems pretty typical for an attractive chorus girl.

The question now is: does she already know Jack, or are they seeing each other for the first time?


The hanging judge came in unnoticed and was being wined and dined
The drilling in the wall kept up but no one seemed to pay it any mind
It was known all around that Lily had Jim's ring
And nothing would ever come between Lily and the king
No nothing ever would except maybe the Jack of Hearts.

Okay, a lot in this verse. New character of the hanging judge. He’ll be more prominent later.

How obvious is this wall-drilling? Why does no one care? Is Lily that hot?

So, it seems Lily is having an affair with Jim and this is public knowledge.


Rosemary started drinking hard and seeing her reflection in the knife
She was tired of the attention tired of playing the role of Big Jim's wife
She had done a lot of bad things even once tried suicide
Was looking to do just one good deed before she died
She was gazing to the future riding on the Jack of Hearts.

Okay, so here’s poor Rosemary. Her husband has taken her to see his mistress dance the hoochie coochie. So she's thinking of doing something to make the world better, somehow tying this to the stranger her husband keeps staring at.


Lily washed her face, took her dress off and buried it away.
"Has your luck run out?" she laughed at him, "Well, I guess you must have known it would someday.
Be careful not to touch the wall, there's a brand-new coat of paint,
I'm glad to see you're still alive, you're lookin' like a saint."
Down the hallway footsteps were comin' for the Jack of Hearts.


Okay, um … we seem to have jumped past the stage show and moved on to Lily’s dressing room. Jack is there. (buried it away ... like, she'll never wear it again? How is he looking like a saint?)

Now, it seems to me like they know each other. In discussing this with Abe, he suggested that they might not. But why would she be using these words with a stranger? Doesn’t “glad to see you still alive” suggest she’s seen him before and had reason to suspect he might be otherwise? And how long has it been since they last saw each other?

What does it mean that his luck has run out, by the way? No other woman will have him, so he has to go back to his ex?

The backstage manager was pacing all around by his chair
"There's something funny going on" he said " I can just feel it in the air"
He went to get the hanging judge but the hanging judge was drunk
As the leading actor hurried by in the costume of a monk
There was no actor anywhere better than the Jack of Hearts.

I’m fairly certain this verse is only here to pick on stage managers, remind us that there is judge in this story, and indulge Dylan’s weird obsession with monks.


No one knew the circumstance, but they say it happened pretty quick
The door to the dressing room burst open a cold revolver clicked
And big Jim was standing there ya couldn't say surprised
Rosemary right beside him steady in her eyes
She was with big Jim but she was leaning to the Jack of Hearts.

Okay, both places where I found these lyrics had “cold revolver.” I bet it’s actually “Colt Revolver.” Only Dylan knows for sure, and he probably doesn’t either.

So, I guess we need to assume that Jim noticed Jack had left his seat after Lily’s act. Maybe he remembered where he saw him before. Anyway, he had reason to suspect Jack was going to see Lily and ran to stop this. Did he bring his bodyguards? Or just himself and his gun? Apparently he brought Rosemary. Wow, that’s arrogance. “Honey, I think that slut I’m banging may be cheating on me. Come with me to go check it out.”

Hmm … I always heard “steady in her eyes” as “studying her eyes,” as in she was trying to learn something about Lily by looking her in the eye.

Two doors down the boys finally made it through the wall
And cleaned out the bank safe it's said that they got off with quite a haul
In the darkness by the riverbed they waited on the ground
For one more member who had business back in town
But they couldn't go no further without the Jack of Hearts.

Aha! So! The drilling in the wall was a band of robbers, of whom Jack was a member! And apparently this bank was right next door to the saloon/cabaret. Interesting neighborhood.

The next day was hanging day the sky was overcast and black
Big Jim lay covered up killed by a penknife in the back
And Rosemary on the gallows she didn't even blink
The hanging judge was sober he hadn't had a drink
The only person on the scene missing was the Jack of Hearts.

So, that’s what happened “pretty quick.” Rosemary stabbed Jim with a pen knife ... right? Or someone else did and she took the blame? Nah, musta been Rosemary, since Jim had the gun trained on Jack and Lily.

Was this the same knife she was seeing her reflection in earlier?

So, the Jack of Hearts is missing. Did he escape in the commotion and rejoin his gang?

The cabaret was empty now a sign said. "Closed for repair"
Lily had already taken all of the dye out of her hair
She was thinking about her father who she was rarely saw
Thinking about Rosemary and thinking about the law
But most of all she was thinking about the Jack of Hearts.

All right, I guess when the murder of a prominent plutocrat, by his wife, is bad enough news to shut down the local burlesque house. Of course, they may actually be closed for repairs. After all, there is apparently a big hole in the wall between the theatre and the bank next door. Too bad. They had just painted.

Now, I was listening to this with my father once and he took the line about taking the dye out of her hair to mean that she was part of the gang, too, and was removing a disguise. I dunno about that. I would bet she just dyes her hair red or black while performing and now that she won't be for a while, she's removing it. This raises some weird questions ... just what kind of dye is removable anyway? Why not get a permanent dye job? Why not wear a wig ... is this cabaret made of money?

So, is Lily leaving town? Going to see her father, or was that just a filler line? There certainly is nothing to imply she's rejoining Jack.

And just what the hell was Jack up to anyway? Apparently he was part of a gang that was pulling off a bank heist through the clever method of drilling through the back of the safe wall. They may have chosen to do this during a show at the cabaret so tyhe sound would drown out the drilling. But the song implies that everyone could hear it, but didn't care.

Jack is apparently a member of the gang, yet, while they're doing the heavy drilling and lifting work, he's off looking up old girlfriends. Nice work if you can get it. Was this serving a double purpose? Was he trying to create extra commotion by hooking up with Jim's mistress to cover the heist?

Maybe, but his plan sure doesn't hold up to scrutiny. He goes in, buys a round for the room, makes eye contact with Jim ... someone he has apparently run across before ... watches Lily's number, then just goes backstage. Now, maybe he didn't know Lily was sleeping with Jim. But that ruins the commotion theory. Since Jim shows up pretty fast and pulls a gun, it's really just a stroke of luck for Jack that Rosemary goes homicidal. No way Jack could have expected that.

Or maybe it was Jack's revolver and not Jim's. This kinda plays Jim for a sucker here. Apparently he leaves his bodyguards behind to run backstage in pursuit of some shifty eyed character, throws open the door and finds himself at gunpoint. Then Rosemary apparently thinks, "Hmm ... I like the idea of my husband dying, but why should this nice homewrecking stripperslut and her bank robber boyfriend face the wrath of the police. I might as well stab him ... it's not like this town has a hanging judge or anything ... d'oh!"

No, so we assume it's Jim's gun, which brings us back to Jack being a less-than-great planner. Or maybe he had an awesome plan and we never got to see it because Rosemary intervened. Geez, these people are the one's who need a stage manager.

Maybe Jack just wanted to see Lily again and somehow the gang was cool with that (Yeah, sure, we'll break our backs and risk our lives while you're banging the local showgirl. Yeah, we'll still give you a full cut.). That makes him romantic, but says little of his research skills, especially since he seems to have met Jim before, and everybody in town knew they were together. Anyway, since he doesn't seem to leave with her, it all seems for naught, unless he was just hoping for a quickie.

So, in conclusion ... Bob, this is a col song about cool stuff -- gambling, girlie shows, guns -- but, dude, throw us plot monsters a freakin' bone here.

THOTS: Wussiness better come in handy!

So, no, I don’t know why Blogger is all gerflucked. Yes, I’ve looked into changing my template, but that would require me getting new, Blogger-designed comments. And those suck. This has affected several of us, including The Incredible Hulk. So you know he won’t let this stand.

Now … THOTS:

I’ve gotten some great links to this blog from search engines lately:

What’s creepier, the idea of someone in Germany searching for “scrotum inflation silly string” and getting this blog, or his actually clicking the link?

I don’t know if these three (1, 2, 3) were all the same person, or if three separate people came here looking for how to remove an electronic ankle bracelet. But, if it was the same person, why keep coming back here?

In related news, that picture I took of Amy Poehler seems to have dropped WAY down in Google rankings, but my Rachel Dratch and Maya Rudolph ones are still up there and my Finesse Mitchell is actually the number one photo that pops up when you image search his name. That’s just weird.

Do we need to start referring to Hooper’s Store as a bodega?

So, I’m glad New York didn’t get the Olympics for a number of reasons. Security is now number one (pride is great, but, c’mon, there would be a terrorist attack, inevitably), though my old bias about too many US Cities hosting it has been tempered a little. I guess I hadn’t realized that New York has never hosted a summer games – LA has had it twice, St. Louis once, and Atlanta once. Meanwhile London is getting it for the third time, though it is the first in 64 years. Oh well. I guess I’d like to see New York get, say, the 2020 games. Meanwhile, how about a freakin’ African or South American country?

When an issue of The Onion comes out without one of Wil Wheaton’s classic video game capsules … it really throws off my whole week.

My theory about this whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing is that he secretly wants to be Batman and therefore has to date women who played the love interest in Batmovies. Okay, so technically he was already married to Nicole Kidman when she made Batman Forever. Regardless, Mimi Rogers had better voice Silver St. Cloud in an upcoming animated Bat project.

I found it quite creepy seeing Cruise act with Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds, since they’ll probably be dating in twelve years.

My vote for “Creepiest Michael Jackson Song in the Wake of the Trial” would be “Pretty Young Thing” with “Billie Jean” a close second, for the line “the kid is not my son.” You?

I had a great punchline-without-a-setup involve Fugees member Wyclef Jean and the word yclept … Yclept Jean. But then I learned the word is pronounced like eeklept, so where does that leave me?

No, we are not pregnant, nor will we become so any time soon. But Amanda and I have enjoyed playing around on this Baby Names site, Behind the Name. It not only tells you the origins and meanings of a given name, but also it’s popularity over the years. So, like, you can see if your favorite name is popular now, and if it will be likely to be popular in years to come – my parents thought they were giving me a really unusual name to balance Smith. But now it’s the 29th most popular name for baby boys in the country. But the most fun feature is the Random Name Generator, where you can enter ethnic/national backgrounds and a gender and get random results. But, and here’s the beauty part, the “ethnic/national” options include such choices as Witch, Wrestler, and, yes, Transformer. I just love that you can produce a name like Karl Sixshot Atkinson, or Salathiel Searchlight Atkinson, or Ransack Blaster Atkinson, or Hot Rod Optimus Atkinson, or Reid Silverbolt Atkinson, or Frenzy Peacemaker Atkinson … whee!

Warner Brothers has spent the last 15 years or so producing alternate versions of their classic Loony Tunes characters … Tiny Toons (and, to some extent Animaniacs), Baby Loony Tunes, and now these bizarre Loonatics things. These things have a fairly short shelf life, but when they vanish, do they vanish forever? I haven’t been to a Six Flags in a while. Do you ever see Buster Bunny or Pinky and the Brain walking around?

The Final Batch of Characters Who Should Have Been in Strawberry Shortcake, But Weren’t

Mango Chutney … is there any way to make this inoffensive? Some joke about working in a call center?
Orange Juice … ‘roid rage battling strongman
Plum Pudding … bloated British one who would look jolly if he weren’t farting so much
Honeydew List … henpecked husband
Brandied Kumquat … no joke. I just like how dirty that sounds.
Melon Balls … again ...
Quince Marmalade … rarely gets invited on adventures.

Yeah, I’m worried about the Supreme Court. And I’m worried that Alberto Gonzales is being viewed, by many on the left, as a “best we can hope for” option. I haven’t heard too many people assuming he’ll want to replace O’Connor with another woman, which seems likely to me. Yeah, it was craven pandering when his father felt obligated to replace Marshall with another black justice, and Dubya does have something more of a spine than dear old dad (or at least the puppeteers who operate him do). It seems like Edith Brown Clement would be the most likely female pick. I do think we can be certain Bush won’t nominate a white male – the GOP has that vote sewn up.

Look, whoever he picks is gonna suck. But, remember, two of the best liberals on the court, Souter and Stephens were Republican nominations and it was one of the Democratic picks, Breyer, who just fucked up the Ten Commandments ruling. So who the hell knows?

Look, I know she’s sixteen and it’s creepy for me to be attracted to Michelle Wie, but she’s also six feet tall, and clearly that’s confusing something inside of me.

We have several stations on our cable that are Columbia-exclusive. Student-run stations. During vacations, they tend not to broadcast (narrowcast?) anything. But it seems like some of them just hit pause on whatever video they were playing and pack up. For WEEKS the Asian language channel was just a still shot of this woman with her eyes half closed and her mouth in mid-syllable. Then recently it was a cartoon image of a Middle-Eastern guy in a fez, to say nothing of that Abraham Lincoln mosaic on the main channel.

While we’re aware that people have probably pointed this out in the past, Amanda was amused the other day to realize that we consider spaying and neutering pets to be “fixing” them. Hey, I think it’s the right thing to do, but, if anything, we’re breaking them.

Man, the things you learn from Netflix. For one, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events seems to me to be far more likely to become a classic in years to come than any of the Harry Potter movies -- highly recommended. For another … man, “Felicity” was a really good show. And finally, yes, “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour” is as bad as you’ve heard. I mean, it’s just … wow … I don’t know if I have to recommend it as a “you must see this before you die” or beg you to avoid it as a “if you see this, you may die.” Yet, it bothered me that only two episodes were on the disc (out of eight … or maybe ten, IMDB doesn’t seem to list the pilot or the Milton Berle episode).

I think it’s truly great that Lance Armstrong’s racing team is now called “Team Discovery Channel,” because of the following exchange from the “Simpsons” episode, “Lemon of Troy,” which aired in 1995:

Database: Uh, the trail has become indistinct. I suggest we split up to cover more ground.

Bart: Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.

Martin: Team Discovery Channel!

Nelson: [groaning] Oh...your wussiness better come in handy.

I realize that their symbol is a ram, so “Grab Life by the Horns” kinda makes sense as a slogan for Dodge. But, taken as a verb, doesn’t “dodge” mean essentially the exact opposite of taking life by the horns?

Overkill? What overkill?

D'oh. Here I am at work, and I left my notebook at home. That means THOTS have to wait until tomorrow. To tide you over, I've decided to steal that idea from Alison's friend and do another photo meme.

Again, everyone with a blog is invited to do this, and anyone without one who wants in on the fun should contact me and I'll run your answers here.

But, before we start, don't forget ...

To read my treatment for a Fantastic Four movie that would be way better than that one coming out on Friday.

To tell us your favorite movie quotes left off that list AFI made up. I'll collect them all and run a special entry on Saturday.

What is (are) your middle name(s)?


Francis

and



Emanuel
(with one M, unlike Webster)

What was your mother’s maiden name?


Manners

though her father changed his name from ...


Rosen ...

and his father changed it from ...


Ochs

though it was pronounced more like ...


Ox

What was the first album (popular music) you ever owned?



Oh, c'mon, you all own it, too. And it's a great album, anyway.

What’s the first picture that pops up on a Google image search for your name? (if your full name doesn’t yield any results at all, just use your first)



No, that's not from my site (noah-smith.net). The second picture that pops up is from my site, but, bizarrely, its an illustration from that children's book I made for class last fall.

What is your Zodiac symbol?



Cancer, the crab.

What is your favorite type of pie?



Good ol' fashioned apple.

What was the best Halloween costume of your youth?


Doctor Doom

... And Our Sacred Honor

Well, the big news is that I am no longer living independently, myself, because, after two long weeks, my wife is finally back from China.

Whew ... that was a long wait.

THOTS tomorrow, but I need to talk about what today is and what it means, and I'm certainly not going to do it better than the document we celebrate today does itself. Americans really ought to read it once a year, and so ... here it is.

The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies


The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the Declaration represented the new states as follows:

New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts
John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

Happy Independence Day everybody.

Major Geek-Out Day: The Fantastic Four

Yep, here it is, kids. I’ve gone off the deep end.

The Fantastic Four movie opens one week from today. Maybe you've heard ... seriously this the most heavily-promoted movie I've encountered in a long while. It feels like I've been barraged by much more about this than I was about Star Wars or Batman. Now, I’ll admit, the stuff I’ve seen most recently has warmed me to the project a little bit … a little bit. But I’m still dreading it.

The FF were very important to me, growing up. It was one of the first comics I collected regularly and the characters meant a lot. Here was a family … a family of superheroes. I didn’t write for a great Metropolitan Newspaper, I didn’t live in a mansion with my father (or father figure), I wasn’t even a high school student living with my maiden aunt. But I had a family, a family that had disagreements and problems, but one that loved each other devotedly.

And, forty-three years before The Incredibles, that was the FF, the first heroes of the Marvel Age of Comics.

By the way, those are some REALLY good comics. The original 102 issue-run by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby are incredible, especially once they really found their groove around the mid-30s. For my money, issue 51 “This Man, This Monster” is the greatest single issue of a comic book ever. Of course, I couldn’t read most of those until they were cheaply reprinted in the black-and-white Essentials Volumes, which I would recommend to even non-comics fans (they’ve also made the first 500 or so issues available on CD-ROM for about $50 … an incredible deal when you think about it, though that’s not my favorite way of reading comics). Those stories from the 60s hold up in every way except the occasionally sexist treatment of Sue, the Invisible Girl … she didn’t even become the Invisible Woman until the 80s. To some eyes the art may look a little crude, but look closer and you’ll see the incredible imaginative powers and astonishing dynamism behind Kirby’s illustration. Not for nothing was he called the King.

The FF I grew up on, however, was written and drawn by John Byrne … these are really great stuff. Great character work, thrilling stories, and, especially for those few issues where he was inked by Jerry Ordway, some of the most beautiful art you’ll see in comics.

(hey Fred, recognize the Puppet Master's little friend?)

So, as you can see, I really like these characters. And I’m really worried Hollywood is going to screw it up.

So I've decided to do something about it. Rather than writing something that could actually forward my own career, I've spen thte last couple of weeks putting together a plot for a Fantastic Four movie.

And here it is.

I'm reasonably pleased with it. I think this is the groundwork for what could be a pretty solid sci-fi action movie, which is faithful to the characters of the original.

Yeah, it's flawed. I probably depend too much on flashbacks. I don't know if it's the approrpriate length, though it feels about right. And I may have overstuffed it -- I manage to fit Dr. Doom, the Puppet Master, the Mad Thinker, and Annihilus in there (though, it's not like those three could carry a movie as the only villain) as well as a cameo at the end from a friend who would play a prominent role in a sequel.

But give it a look and tell me what you think. It's not a short read, but if you're an FF fan, I think this might genuinely be the superior FF "movie experience" you'll have this summer.