Oscar, Oscar, Oscar

Well, clearly, I found this a disappointing year at the Academy Awards.

I know ... didn't I just write a piece telling people to stop complaining about the Oscars? Yeah, I did. But that doesn't mean I can't express disappointment.

Totally different thing.

Of course, as I've said, I was disappointed by almost every film I saw in 2004. So it makes sense that awards for them would let me down, too. And, I suppose last year, where everything I wanted to win (except Bill Murray) won, set me up for disappointment. But still ... sigh. Everybody who I was assured would win, who I didn't want to win? They won.

Swank and Eastwood again?

Jamie Foxx? I'll never understand it. Liked that speech better the first time.

Poor Annette Benning. Now she'll have to take some supporting role as as supportive housewife of a genius to win.

Martin Scorcese -- focus less on film work and try perfecting that time machine so you can go back to early 1991 and host that lecture series on why Dances with Wolves is overrated. Maybe just bring them some VHS copies of The Postman.

Excellent choices on screenplay, of course.

I'm sure Abe is upset that they didn't have a separate memorial segment for Marlon Brando. I am too, since, as I've said, every actor in Hollywood owes their career to the fact that we're living in a post-Brando era. But he was never fond of the Academy and I think this shows. We should probably be glad their clip wasn't just footage of Sacheen Littlefeather accepting the Oscar for The Godfather.

Speaking of the Memorial section, yes, I wish they'd turn off the microphones so we don't get into a "who gets more applause" contest. More importantly, where the hell was Arthur Miller? Yes, film wasn't his major outlet, but come the hell on. For that matter Ray Charles did more than a little film work, and even Joey Ramone should have been up there for Rock and Roll High School.

'Course, I think Caitlin Clarke should have been there, too, but I'm biased.

All the stuff they did to zip the show along ... I actually kinda liked it. I don't complain that the show is too long, though, since Amanda and I had to catch a bus home from Queens after the show, and I have work at 8AM on Monday morning, I'm kinda glad it clocked in a just over three hours. And, yes, I don't think too many people wish there had been more footage of people walking to the stage from their seats. And the Miss America style nominee-lineup was shot well, so it didn't look half as degrading as it sounded, or, probably, felt.

I thought Chris Rock was pretty good. He was a little defanged, of course, but he'd have to be for any network gig. The only parts where the real Rock, more social truthteller than comic, came out was in the visit to the Magic Johnson theatre and his riff on the quality of "black" films. Pointed out that, even in a year with four black acting nominees, the Academy Awards are still The Awards for Movies White People See.

As for the Sean Penn kerfuffle ... look, Sean Penn takes everything way too seriously, as he has shown again and again and again. Odd, considering that Jeff Spicoli is probably one of the top 100 comic performances of all time. Though I didn think some of that riff on Jude Law was a little odd. Still, if Law had been there, he would have smiled charmingly and it would have been clear he took it in stride ... or pretended to.

The other isssue ... one of the most conservative Oscars in years. None of the films nominated had much in the way of sex scenes -- Ray came closest and was pretty discrete about that and the specifics of his drug use.

And Best Picture goes to a film directed by a prominent Republican (and the statue was handed to him by Barbra Streisand, for the luvva Pete) ...

Is Million Dollar Baby a conservative film? Well, as I've said, it has an attack on welfare and the working class is mocked for being unAmerican. On the other hand


SPOILERS



It also seems to be a pro-right-to-die film.

So what do I know?

I know that years from now, the only film of the five nominees that will have any major impact is Sideways. Baby will go down as one of those "solid piece of work but no classic" Oscar films, like A Beautiful Mind or Ordinary People. Unforgiven will be remembered as "Eastwood's Oscar film."

And I'm guessing we won't see any lifetime acievement awards for Jamie Foxx.

Big Fat Oscar Blog

Okay, so the big day is Sunday.

I'm gonna start with my usual rant ... STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE OSCARS.

Seriously, I just don't understand the complaints here. This has always been about Hollywood patting itself on the back. Even in years when indie films won, they were indie films distributed with Hollywood money and starring Hollywood actors. Looking for the Academy to reward truly the best or most challenging films in any given year is a fool's errand.

So please, can we go one year without people watching something that they know is a pageant of dresses, inside jokes, mutual masturbation and wretched excess, and then complaining that it's a pageant of dresses, inside jokes, mutual masturbation and wretched excess. If the Oscars are too long and boring for you ... YOU DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THEM.

Have I mentioned that I really enjoy the Oscars?

I do. I get caught up in it. But I keep it in perspective.

Okay, so I what follows is a category-by-category analysis of my predictions versus EW's predictions, first for nominees (EW kicked my ass again), then for winners. Plus, I'll then get carried away and discourse on each category.

Oscar Nomination Picks, 2005

Best Picture:

The Nominees: Aviator, Finding Neverland, Million Dollar Baby, Ray, and Sideways.

EW picks: Aviator, Finding Neverland, Million Dollar Baby, Ray, and Sideways.

Mine: Aviator, Kinsey, Million Dollar Baby, Ray, and Sideways.

Yeah, I was probably crazy for thinking they'd pick Kinsey. But I'm still a little surprised that Neverland made the cut. Notably, the director wasn't nominated. I'd actually guess that a revote today would replace Neverland with Hotel Rwanda.

Who will win?

EW says Million Dollar Baby. Maybe ... I dunno. After giving it to a sprawling epic last year, they may go small this time out (ie, going from Titanic to Shakespeare in Love). I do think that Ray and Neverland probably won't make it. Sideways has a slim chance ... but I'll guess, maybe just to be different, that with the Lord of the Rings jugger-monkey off their backs, the Academy will get around to giving Scorcese his due and give it to Aviator

Me? Well, of these five, I like Sideways the best. Eternal Sunshine was my favorite film this year, but that ship has sailed. I liked all the nominees this year, though, I tell you ... Amanda and I rented Ray the other night, and we kinda didn't get it. Yes, I'm sure it would have meant more in the theatres, but ... what's the big deal? Interesting story. Great music. But as a biopic, I found this SO MUCH LESS COMPELLING than Aviator or Kinsey. Maybe it's me.

As for Million Dollar Baby. I loved it, to be certain. Great performances, emotionally effective, and I love sports movies. But one thing really bugged me -- did they have to make Swank's family such grotesque, insulting white trash? Lame stereotype supported by the worst aspects of conservative America. And I haven't heard anybody complain about this. What's up with that?


Best Director:

Nominees: Clint Eastwood (Baby), Taylor Hackford (Ray), Mike Leigh (Vera Drake), Alexander Payne (Sideways), and Martin Scorcese (Aviator)

EW's picks: Clint Eastwood (Baby), Marc Forster (Neverland), Alexander Payne (Sideways), Martin Scorcese (Aviator), and Zhang Yimou (House of Flying Daggers)

My picks: Clint Eastwood (Baby), Taylor Hackford (Ray), Mike Nichols (Closer), Alexander Payne (Sideways), and Martin Scorcese (Aviator)

Wow, I was actually closer than EW there. Still, I should have known that the oddbal fifth nominee, whose film doesn't get nominated, doesn't go to old Hollywood, it goes to arty Europeans. (Vera Drake is a great film, by the way)

Score: EW 8, Me 8

Who will win?

EW says Eastwood, since they usually always align picture and director. Since I've picked Aviator, I'll go with Scorcese, though. And, in fact, I could definitely imagine a split here. They've been common in recent years, and Eastwood already has one, which Marty's been left out in the cold for so long.

ANOTHER RANT: I also have no problem with these awards being Lifetime Achievement things. Since, as we've established, the awards hardly ever go to the most deserving films, I think it's more important that the true greats eventually win one. Spielberg should have won for ET or Raiders, but he didn't win until he got more serious. Similarly, Scorcese should have won for Taxi Driver, or Raging Bull, or Goodfellas, but now he'll win because he's gone epic. And this is okay by me.

Me? Well, I suppose Payne for Sideways, since he got so much out of those actors, and did such a good job of straddling comedy and drama. Though I think Scorcese did truly masterful work as a filmmaker on Aviator. Leigh's films are practically a different artform all together; Drake is achingly wonderful, but it's SO DAMN BRITISH. I thought Hackford was over-the-top on Ray.


Best Actress:

Nominees: Annette Benning (Finding Julia), Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace), Imelda Staunton (Vera Drake), Hillary Swank (... Baby), Kate Winslet (... Sunshine ...)

EW's picks: 100%

Mine ... : Benning (Finding Julia), Moreno (Maria Full of Grace), Staunton (Vera Drake), Swank (... Baby), Ziyi (... Daggers)

I was still surprized that Winslet got the nod, but it wasn't an especially crowded field, not that she didn't deserve it, 'cuz she did.

Score: EW 13, Me 12

Who will win?

EW says Swank. Well, she has the box office, but I think, in an insular community painfully aware that a very pregnant Benning lost to Swank five years ago, I think they'll feel like making it up to her. I also think Benning will benefit from being the undisputed star of her film, while Swank was playing the second lead to Eastwood.

Me? Swank was great, as was Winslet (haven't seen the other two). But I think I might favor Imelda Staunton. Look at her during the arrest scene. The camera stays on her face in tight and she goes through this beautiful, subtle realization that everything is about to crash down on her. Compare that to the histrionics (motivated, but still histrionic) that the othes went through.

Oh, by the way, people who like to rant and rail against Benning's performance in American Beauty ... you're aware the film was a satire, right? That it was all supposed to be broad and cartoonish? That, if the film actually expected us to take THAT seriously, then we're all morons?

I think, anyway, maybe I didn't get it ...


Best Actor:

Nominees: Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda), Johnny Depp (Neverland), Leonardo DiCaprio (Aviator), Clint Eastwood (Baby), Jamie Foxx (Ray), Paul Giamatti (Sideways)

EW's picks: Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda), Johnny Depp (Neverland), Leonardo DiCaprio (Aviator), Jamie Foxx (Ray), Paul Giamatti (Sideways)

My picks: Javier Bardem (Sea Inside), Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx, Paul Giamatti, Liam Neeson (Kinsey)

Okay, so I was way off. But, c'mon, no spot for Giamatti?

Score: EW 17, Me 14

Will win: EW says Foxx ... I guess that's hard to argue, though I think there's some backlash. The question becomes ... who else? EW had Eastwood running second, but I think DiCaprio has a chance, yet ... I never did believe he was over 30 ...

So I guess it's Foxx. I may put Leo on my ballot just because, well, see below ...

Me? Seriously, why are we all wetting ourselves over Jamie Foxx. Yes, it was a good performance. Yes, it was a flawless imitation. But ... was it really much more than an imitation? Please remember that a lot of the heavy emotional stuff was achieved through direction ... all those flashbacks and fantasy sequences.

Look, I'm biased. I've never liked Jamie Foxx. I pretty much hated everything he did on "In Living Color." And, man did I dislike him in Booty Call ... okay maybe it's unfair to hold Booty Call against anyone. But I've just always felt like there was a big empty hole where the emotional center of the character should go in every Jamie Foxx performance. That said, I think he was quite good in Ray. But I don't think it really went beyond imitation ... not far enough anyway.

I also was not blown away by Eastwood. He was good, certainly, but there were some moments where I really felt ... "huh, that could have been a really nice moment if it had been played by Gene Hackman or Paul Newman." Still, I'd be okay if he won, because, while he's not a great actor, he's a great movie star -- the Oscars are all about Movie stars and Eastwood is probably one of the four or five biggest of all time (still living) who don't have one for acting.

Haven't seen Hotel Rwanda -- just seemed too grim for me. Loved FInding Neverland, but it is so, so far away from Depp's best work. So, of the four candidates I've seen, my vote is for Leo.

The best performance of the year was Giamatti. It is nothing short of deranged that he's not up there. And that's not even mentioning Neeson for Kinsey.

But, then, I don't complain about these things ...


Best Supporting Actor:

Nominees: Alan Alda (Aviator), Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), Jamie Foxx (Collateral), Morgan Freeman (Million Dollar Baby), Clive Owen (Closer)

EW's picks: Thomas Haden Church, Jamie Foxx, Morgan Freeman, Clive Owen, Peter Sarsgaard (Kinsey)

My picks: Thomas Haden Church, Phil Davis (Vera Drake), Morgan Freeman, Clive Owen, Peter Sarsgaard

I just couldn't wrap my mind around two Foxx nominations in one year ...

Score: EW 21 Me: 17

Will win: EW says Freeman and for the first time, I agree without a doubt. The Academy has probably been longing to give him one for ages, and his only stiff competition is Church, but comeback roles rarely win (cf Robert Forster in Jackie Brown).

Me? Didn't see Closer or Collateral. Alda's great but the role has little arc and is quite small. Church is fantastic, but Freeman has been fantastic for so long ...

That said, it was with Million Dollar Baby that I reluctantly had to remove Freeman from my list of Celebrities Who Don't Annoy Me At All. Sorry, I think he might just have pushed the "Wise old black man" thing a little too far. The bit on "SNL" where Finesse Mitchell played Freeman, getting frustrated with being wise, but never getting any action -- not hilarious, but made a good point.

It's hard to think of somebody who NEVER annoys me ... hell, the people I love most in the world annoy me all the time, and I KNOW I annoy them (right, Amanda?).

So, currently, the only celebrity I can think of who doesn't annoy me at all is Buck O'Neil, former Negro League player and manager, featured prominently in Ken Burns' "Baseball" document. I truly find him genuine and delightful, and, of course, he really IS a wise old black man.

Now, if Freeman ever played O'Neill in a movie ... not sure what I'd do.


Best Supporting Actress:

Nominees: Cate Blanchett (Aviator), Laura Linney (Kinsey), Virginia Madsen (Sideways), Sophie Okonedo (Hotel Rwanda) Natalie Portman (Closer)

EW's picks: Cate Blanchett, Laura Linney, Virginia Madsen, Natalie Portman, Kate Winslet (Neverland)

My picks: Shamelessly identical to EW.

Well, Rwanda took us all by surprise. Not too thick a field this year.

Score: EW 25 Me 21

Will win: EW says Blanchett and I tend to agree. The only competition is Madsen, but, as I've said, comback roles rarely nab it. I think they still feel bad about overlooking her for Elizabeth.

Me? I think I'd like Madsen, only a slight edge over Blanchett, because there was something so heartbreaking about her role, while Blanchett was mostly there to facilitate DiCaprio. Linney was great, too, but ... well, she's always so great, it's easy to get blase about her. Didn't see the others.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: Before Sunset, Finding Neverland, Million Dollar Baby, Motorcycle Diaries, Sideways

EW's picks: Closer, Finding Neverland, Million Dollar Baby, Motorcycle Diaries, Sideways

Mine: Again, shamelessly the same

I guess Sunset counts as adapted because the characters already existed from the first movie?

Didn't see Closer, and I doubt I'd've liked it. But I like playwrights, so I'm a little bummed.

Score: EW 29 Me 25

Will win: EW says Sideways. Sounds about right. More dialoguey things tend to win writing awards. If everybody goes totally gaga for Baby, it could sneak in there. No chance for the others.

Me? Sideways. Loved it. Probably would love it more than the book, since books a novel about an aspiring novelist has a strike against it from the start, in my book. Baby intrigues me, since it's based on several different stories, right? Anyone read them and know how that works?


Best Original Screenplay:

Nominees: Aviator, Eternal Sunshine, Hotel Rwanda, The Incredibles, Vera Drake

EW's picks: Aviator, Eternal Sunshine, Hotel Rwanda, The Incredibles, Kinsey

My picks: Aviator, Eternal Sunshine, Hotel Rwanda, The Incredibles, Ray

Mike Leigh movies are tricky in this category, since they aren't really written. I still think my vote for Ray was smarter than theirs for Kinsey, but why debate that (of course, my belief in Kinsey screwed me in other categories, so smugness is unwarranted, not that that's stopped me before).

Final score: EW 33, Me 29 (okay, not as serious a whupping as I'd thought, though I mirrored them so closely, I couldn't help but succeed. Wussy way of playing it.)

Will win: EW says Eternal Sunshine, and I think that's right, unless there's a huge Aviator sweep, which seems unlikely. Charlie Kaufman is LONG past due for an award, and they know it.

Me? Give me an S! Give me a U! ... etc. Man, I loved that movie. Excellent piece of acting and directing, but the screenplay may be one of the best of all time.


Other stuff:

Aviator is going to win a lot of tech awards.

I really really really really really want Incredibles to beat Shrek 2. I think it'll make it, though I worry about Shrek's box office.

Frankly, I think none of the song nominees should win. I guess I'd like Counting Crows to win for "Accidentally in Love," but could they perform "Mr. Jones" instead?

EW isn't giving Super-Size Me a shot for Best Documentary Feature. This surprises me a little, since the pop choices have been winning lately.

I'd pick the Spider-Man 2SFX over Harry Potter, 'cause, man, that werewolf looked crappy.

As for the show itself ... well, I imagine most of the changes they're making -- having nominees stand up on stage like beauty pageant contestants, having others accept from their seats -- won't return next year. Rock will say two or three things that raise eyebrows, but nothing too much.

And people will find something to whine about.

What the next Spider-Man movie should be

(I'm geeking out today. Feel free to look elsewhere on the blogosphere for something that doesn't involve the phrase "Master Planner arc")

I did like Spider-Man 2. Honestly, I did ...

The plot was strong, the action was good, the effects were great. I think they nicely captured the proper mood for how rotten Peter Parker's life tends to be.

Yet ... stuff still sticks in my craw.

Seth pointed out, some time ago, that it actually doesn't make sense for Doctor Octopus to throw that car through the window where Peter and Mary-Jane are eating. He doesn't know Peter has a spider-sense, so he should think that tossing a car at him would be fatal, and he needs him alive. Fun sequence, little plot logic.

I grudgingly accept the decision to have Aunt May become a Spider-Man fan. There probably won't be more than four or five films in this series, so they won't need ALL the "everybody hates me" tension that the books have needed to survive for forty years (the books have recently had May find out Peter's secret and come to love Spider-Man, which was a very stupid idea).

And I love about 95% of J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. But maybe they play him for laughs a tiny bit too much. JJJ was always a punchline in the books, too, but he was also a genuine threat and thorn in Peter's side. Also, at one point during the movie, Amanda turned to me and asked, "If he's the only photographer who can get pictures of Spider-Man, why can't he work for a
better paper?" See ... that bugs me. I always liked that, other than JJJ's rants, the comics' Daily Bugle was a really good paper -- a crusader for civil rights in the 60s, etc. They actually got the other side of JJJ right in the first movie, when he refused to tell the Green Goblin who took the paper's Spider-Man photos. He's a jerk and an obsessive. But he's not actually a bad person.

Actually, I think they IMPROVED Doctor Octopus as a character with their changes. I never really understood the comic-book Ock's motivation for wanting to be a crime boss. In his first appearance, he was more or less the obsessive scientist of the film, but after a few more, he's suddenly Al Capone with extra arms. Even though that incarnation brought about one of the best Spider-Man plots of all time -- the Master Planner arc -- it still didn't quite jive. Having him driven by scientific thirst seemed a distinct improvement to me.

But my two big complaints are other issues of characterization.

For one, Spider-Man just isn't funny enough. In the books, he's always zinging one-liners at villains while he fights them. That was a big part of his charm, originally -- he's this nerdy loser in real life, but when he puts on the costume, he's the king of the world. 'Course, he had his dialogue written by Stan Lee, so that gave him a big advantage over, say, the pun-spewing Robin, or the weird-ass pseudo-teen-speak of the original Teen Titans.

I will forgive this, though. For one, in the comics, Spidey had two or three fights an issue (well, unless he's written by Brian Molasses Bendis), and at least one could be light and schticky. When he or somebody important was in mortal peril, Peter knew to tone it down. Because this is a movie, somebody is ALWAYS in mortal peril, so Spider-Man comes off much more grave. Also, in a comic, you can cram setup punchline and reaction all into one panel -- so our hero seems to be delivering a whole comedy monologue while throwing a single punch. Not so possible on film, so the quips we do get are pretty short-burst ("Here's your change" as he throws a moneybag at Doc Ock ... yuk yuk).

But here's a big big problem ... Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane Watson ...

When Dunst was offered the role and given some comics to read, she assumed she was supposed to play Gwen Stacy. Made sense. Gwen was blond, after all.

But no, as much as the general public knew anything at all about Spider-Man, they assumed Mary-Jane was his Lois Lane so she HAD to be his movie love-interest. She's not his Lois, of course, even though he married her. Peter's love life was always about his lack of luck with love, not any sort of Superman-esque can-quite-make-it-work-with-the-one-he's-destined-for thing.

So they stuck a bad red wig on her (Spider-Man 2 was the first time I ever found Dunst unattractive) and said she was Mary-Jane. But, really, she was playing Gwen. Instead of the energetic party girl who shook things up in the comics, we get a dreary dishrag like Gwen (sorry Gwen fans, but I'm not in your number). Look, I love Stan Lee more than most people on Earth, but a lot of his women lacked personality, or were just big whiners. He got better, and Mary Jane Watson was a big step in this. But, other than a few out-of-place "tiger"s, Dunst's Mary-Jane is a waste of all our time.

Sigh.

Anyway, for Spider-Man 3 ...

Clearly, they're setting up that Harry is going to become the next Green Goblin.

Okay, sure, he became that in the comics, why not?

Except that they shouldn't use that Goblin costume again because ... well ... it sucked.

So, how about painting the armor ghostly white, dressing it in a ragged cloak, and putting a scary rubber mask over the ugly Power Rangers helmet ...

And making him the Hobgoblin.

Except ... why make it Harry? We're all expecting that. The great joy of the original Goblins, Green and Hob-, was the "who's under the mask?" mystery. So how about Peter assumes it's Harry, but discovers it's not, and suddenly we have a plethora of suspects.

Like who?

Like, how about bringing in a supporting cast of everybody who has ever shown up in a Goblin costume ...

Harry's psychiatrist (forget his name)
Flash Thompson
Ned Leeds
Roderick Kingsley
Jason Macendale

Or how about John Jameson? He has motivation to hate Peter now. Or Eddie Brock, or Robbie Robertson's Son (forget his name, too), or anybody else. Heck if the character is wearing body armor, it could be a woman -- Liz Allan, or Gwen Stacy (irony, eh?), Felicia Hardy ... that Eastern European girl who lived across the hall in the last movie.

I don't think any of these characters are so important (or in the case of Flash, the film guys decided he wasn't important) that they couldn't turn them into a villain without ruining things. Even if it's not true to the actual content of the comics, it would be true to the SPIRIT of them ...

Which is something movies so rarely get right.

THOTS: Tokyo Colorpot

Yep another edition of … this thing I do …

My apologies to Meron. Seems when I removed an outdated link from the sidebar, I accidentally cut out ludimagist, too. Pure accident, I assure you.

You might also notice that the slow, slow change of this blog’s format continues, with a new description. Not sure how long I’ll keep this one. Rob’ll like it, at least.

Okay, DA THOTS …

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: Joel Goddard, the announcer for "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and Brian McCann and That Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember and Couldn't Find Online, two writers and frequent performers on "Conan," outside of, of course 30 Rock (two teenagers near me saw McGann and yelled "Hey, Preparation-H Raymond!"). And a guy who looked kinda like Anthony Michael Hall in Times Square.

Amanda, on seeing an ad for the DVD release of some old "Fat Albert" cartoons: "Wow, he's really fat!"

Entertainment Weekly recently ran, in their "TV Quotes of the Week" box, a line from "The O.C." where a character called two guys working on a comic book, "Kavalier and Gay." Pretty funny line, and it amused me because I was reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay at the time. (Loved it, of course. Hoping for a sequel.) But that's the thing about a joke like that. It's isn't actually funny, it just pleases people because it makes you feel smart for getting the reference. (And, I suppose, extra smart, if you realize that Clay, in the book, is, in fact, gay).

Noah pretends he write for The Onion Part 1:

Rumsfeld Beginning to Get Suspicious That He's Not Really Secretary of Defense Anymore

After attending a meeting with several new cabinet officials, Donald Rumsfeld has begun to suspect that he's not really the Secretary of State anymore. "I don't watch much TV, but I'm pretty sure I remember Secretary of Agriculture Barry Williams was on that 'Bunny Bunch' show or whatever it was," Rumsfeld told reporters, "And I'm think my wife once dragged me to a dinner theatre production of GREASE that had Attorney General Soleil Moon Frye in it. It just seems a little odd that the entire cabinet would resign except me and all the new people would be out of work actors." A spokesman for the real Bush administration said, "Aw, crap, look, please don't say anything to him to make him more suspicious, this was the only way we could think of to let him down easy. That dude scares the crap out of us."

Dear Evangelical Christians,

You are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever allowed to call homosexuality, gay marriage, pre-marital sex or anything else “a sin against God” as long as you permit this:

People who knew me in ninth grade -- Have you noticed that everybody is wearing that style cap I wore in the winter of 1991? The felt half-bullet ones where the dome points out and actually covers the whole brim? Wow! I was 14 years ahead of my time! Wait .. what's that? I was actually just a dork? Oh. Okay.

One reason why I probably shouldn't do any more grad school ... I have a really hard time writing in books. Sure, I can highlight scripts. But taking a book I spent 20, 40 dollars for and writing notes in the margins, underlining stuff ... it's just antithetical to my being.

I would like to propose a new form of government called the Constructicon-tocracy. This is based on the Constructicons, from the popular Transformers line of toys of the 1980s. They were robots who turned into construction vehicles and could also combine to form a giant robot (Devastator). This system of government would have multiple branches, like our own, except that the executive branch would be the combined robot Devastator form ... like, his legs would be made up of a House and Senate, the torso would be a system of appellate courts, etc. Checks and balances and energon cubes, baby!

I still can't believe my mother drives a RAV-4.

Noah pretends he write for The Onion Part 2:

Nation Celebrates End of Dance Dance Revolution: Establishment of Dance Dance Democracy Begins Today

The guns have fallen silent and the Dance Dance Revolution is, at long last, over. "So much blood has been shed, so much life has been lost," said a soldier who prefered to remain anonymous, "I just hope the Dance Dance Democracy is worth all we've sacrified." Indeed, ratifying a Dance Dance Constitution and holding the first Dance Dance Elections will be an uphill climb. "I've been a Dance Dance Revolutionary for so long," said former Dance Dance General and likely future Dance Dance President, Fly Jimmy Superfly, "It will be quite an adjustment to life in Dance Dance Peacetime."

My pick for The Worst Line of Dialogue Ever Spoken on Television comes from an episode of "Saved by the Bell," where Jessie, attacking Kelly's lack of socio-political savvy said, "The only thing you know about politics is who won the election on 'Sesame Street!'"

What? What the hell does that mean? There wasn't any election on "Sesame Street!"

Your pick?

I truly loved this headline from Ironic Times, though it took me a minute to figure it out …

ANAGRAM NEWS

Tokyo Colorpot Takes Effect Everywhere
Except in Ituned Tastes of Acrimea, which is not a signatory.

As a child, I decided that my favorite letter was S, favorite number was 2 and my lucky number was 22. Must have been something about the curves. It was very important to me to make these decisions, when I was a lad. Yet, when I write quickly, my S’s look ugly and uncurved and I’ve never liked the way I make 2s, with the little loop on the lower right.

I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of that, other than about 1200 dollars.

If Marcia-Gay-Harden married Alan Cumming, would her name be Marcia Gay-Harden-Cumming?

(If Rip Taylor found out I was stealing his bit, would he throw something other than confetti at me?)

There are certain universal constants – death, the speed of light, and the fact that every time I mention Stephen Wright, the comedian, to Amanda she’ll ask, “Is he the guy with the really long fingers?” and I’ll politely respond, “No, that’s Louis Black.”

In the 1980s, Marvel Comics had a line of books for young readers called Star Comics. Some were media tie-ins -- Ewoks, Strawberry Shortcake, etc. -- some were an attempt to create their own Harvey-style characters -- Royal Roy, Wally the Wizard -- but the one I really liked was called Peter Porker -- The Spectacular Spider-Ham, which presented funny-animal versions of Marvel superheroes. Captain Americat, the Fantastic Fur, etc. But it has occurred to me that they really blew it naming their Iron Man parody “Iron Mouse.” Why not “Iron Horse”? For one, that’s an actual phrase, and, for another, that way his secret identity could be "Pony Stark." I suppose "Iron Dog" could have been "Tony Bark," but let's not be ridiculous.

Kinda, Sorta, A Little Bit About Presidents

When I heard about this Bush tape, I was really hoping it was going to be something juicy, like, he was rolling a joint and complaining how he got a bag full of stems, or discussing comparative brands of coke mirrors or something. Sadly, it’s just as guarded and full of shit as everything he says.

Sigh.

Anyway, this being Presidents Day, such matters are on my mind. I read a few weeks ago that AOL was conducting a poll to name the Greatest American of All Time.

What an interesting challenge. The terms are just so broad. And ultimately, that means that there’s really no obvious choice. Even if we decide on an unranked Top Ten list, I think people who generally think alike could wind up with wholly different lists.

And, how many Presidents would be on that list?

Okay, who are the ones who get consideration …

Washington
Jefferson
Jackson
Lincoln
Grant
Teddy Roosevelt
Franklin Roosevelt
Eisenhower
Kennedy
Reagan

I think some might make some noise for the Adamses, Truman, Wilson or even Polk.

For me? Well, I’d throw out Reagan and Jackson because I find them loathsome. Kennedy is highly overrated, as is TR. Grant and Eisenhower (though, and this will shock some of you, I actually like Dwight Eisenhower as president for many reasons) are on the list more for their military accomplishments than political, and I think Lincoln and FDR get my war hero consideration.

So I’m left with …

Washington
Jefferson
Lincoln
FDR

I might drop Washington, who, beyond his military accomplishments, is basically great for two things he DIDN’T do – refusing to become King and not running for a third term. Still, he did invent the office. Oh yeah, and he won a war that America really had almost no business winning.

But the others … Yes, for all their failings, I think that is a trio of truly great men: Jefferson , who would probably be on the list for the Declaration alone; Lincoln, probably the only one who would make EVERYBODY’S list, or at least he would save for some hardcore Southern states-rightists – one of the truly great intellects of all time and the man who saw the country through its darkest hour; and FDR -- some hate him I realize, but, as an old fashioned liberal, I completely agree that a dash of Socialism is necessary in a capitalist system, and he was a truly great leader during WWII.

So, who else … well, of the other Founding Fathers, Hamilton has to be considered. Brilliant mind, and people who understand economics better than I could explain how prescient he was in establishing the modern economy. I can’t quite find a place for Ben Franklin on there … love ‘im, but cute folksiness, no matter how underscored by brilliance doesn’t quite equal greatness in my book.

I think there needs to be a technological representation. I’d pick Thomas Edison over Henry Ford, Alexander Graham Bell, or the Wright Brothers, for the sheer scope of his creations, and his peculiar status as a uniquely American Celebrity.

I think we obviously need to put Martin Luther King, Jr. on there. For courage, for conviction, for creating more change than just about any president in history.

How many do I have now …

Washington (on the fence)
Jefferson
Lincoln
Hamilton (on the fence)
FDR
Edison
King

Seven, huh … gee, and still no women. I don’t feel like I need to add one just for balance, but I certainly can’t downplay the contributions or struggles of American women. Hmm … well, as much as I love Eleanor Roosevelt, she doesn’t make the cut. And I don’t think I could put Harriett Tubman or Sojourner Truth there over, say, Frederick Douglass. But there ought to be somebody to represent the Suffrage Movement, since that was as fierce a battle as any other. I don’t think there’s as obvious an icon as King was for Civil Rights, but Susan B. Anthony does seem to be the standard-bearer. My mother could set me straight on this, I’m sure (and probably will). But I’ll add her for now.

And I think I will add Douglass, too, since it seems a little absurd to have Lincoln as my “abolitionist hero,” when he wasn’t really an abolitionist.

One more …

Well, I’m not going to put any artists on there. I think there have been Great American Artists (Twain, Melville, any number of Blues and Jazz greats, Woody Guthrie, Bob Dylan, Chuck Berry, debatably Elvis … some film possibilities like Welles, Scorcese, or Brando), but I don’t think I could call them Truly Great People, the way I would probably make room for Shakespeare and Da Vinci on a Top Ten Great People of Western Civilization list. Similarly, I can’t think of any pure-philosophers for this list -- Jefferson comes closest, though he did also invent the dumbwaiter -- though Plato and probably some others would definitely be on that Western Civ List.

Incidentally, I know that if my grandfather were making this list, he’d put Emily Dickinson front and center, and I’ve heard many people say that she truly understood more about the universe than anyone in centuries … but I really don’t know enough to either support or pooh-pooh that.

No athletes either. I think that goes without saying. Some did do truly heroic things, like Jackie Robinson. Some did change the world, like Muhammad Ali. But I don’t think it’s really Top Ten Time for any of them.

Explorers? I dunno, those were always such a team effort … would Lewis and Clark warrant one spot? Is, say, John Glenn actually more of a hero than, like, the dweebs in skinny ties down at Mission Control?

No, I think we need to consider someone who really changed the world, and I think it’s time we thought about that as “changed the way we think about ourselves.” Shakespeare did that emotionally, but much of the 20th Century (not that this is a 20th Century list), was about throwing off the yolk of Puritanism and Victorianism, and changing the way we think about ourselves biologically.

So I’ll briefly consider Alfred Kinsey, and his randy little brother High Hefner. But I don’t think I can call either one “great.”

No, my oddball choice for the last spot is ….

Benjamin Spock.

Look, is there anything more important that we can do as human beings than raise healthy children? No, I don’t think so. So I need someone on this list who made that their crusade, and nobody has done more good in this field than the author of Baby and Child Care.

So, that list, in alphabetical order …

Susan B. Anthony
Frederick Douglass
Thomas Edison
Alexander Hamilton
Thomas Jefferson
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Abraham Lincoln
Franklin Roosevelt
Benjamin Spock
George Washington

Yep, that’s the list for this morning. I could change it at any time.

Who’s on your list?

1000 Words

I've been a bit verbose lately. But you and I are both a little tired of that, so I thought I'd let some pictures do the talking today.

Amanda bought us a digital camera for Christmas, but I haven't put it to much use yet on here so ... away we go.

(don't worry, we don't have any cats)

Our furniture finally arrived on Friday, so the apartment now finally looks like a real place where real people live.

The living room ...





The kitchen ...



The bedroom ...





The guest/computer room ...



Yeah, it's really a pretty amazing place. Believe me, we fully understand how lucky we are.

Last weekend, we were visited by Lars, who was a foreign exchange student Amanda and Doyne hosted when Amanda was still in high school. Lars is from Sweden. His real name is Hakan, which is pronounced something like Hoe-kan, except that you need to do some sort of curlicue trick on the O which only Swedes can do ... so his name became Lars.

Anyway, we took Lars to see the Gates in Central Park and Ellis Island ...







And finally, I recently got some photos emailed to me from SNOW WHITE AND ROSE RED, the mystery show in my trunk, because nobody ever tells me anything about the production of it that I missed because I was off getting married. Seriously, these are the first real photos I've seen of it (thanks, Kristina) ...







Tommorrow ... I actually write an entry!

Rejected Joke Thursday: Remind-Me-Again-Why-I-Post-These Edition

Once again ... the bad jokes that didn't make Fountain. Now with comments.

As I said, these are from the Paris Hilton episode. Well, as you might guess, I'm not wild about any reality TV star hosting the show, let alone someone famous for nothing other than being rich, vapid, and slutty. But the show was okay, and I think the season is picking up steam. Sometimes they actually do well to write around a host rather than for one. My favorite sketch was, of course, the nerd phone sex thing. Though I do wish they'd had one comic-book oriented operator. You couldn't have dressed someone up as Wonder Woman, offering to tie someone up with her lassoo of truth, or join the mile high club in her invisible jet?


And now ... the jokes ...


Freshman Republican members of Congress dyed their fingers blue to show support for the President and the election in Iraq. Well, that’s what those scamps say, but what do you suppose happened to that blueberry pie Lynn Cheney left on the windowsill.

I kinda like this image of Freshman Republicans cavorting about like something out of an Our Gang short. But it's a little vague.


In his State of the Union address, President Bush promised to make sure that private social security accounts would not be "eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees," or pillaged by those Vikings from that Capital One ad.

Well, clearly I was drawn to think about Cap One because of the "hidden fees" line, which, I think, appears in those ads. Perhaps this could have been rephrased to make more of a connection, but I doubt the result would have been funny enough to justify the effort.

In his State of the Union address, President Bush discussed future judicial appointments saying, "As president, I have a constitutional responsibility to nominate men and women who understand the role of courts in our democracy," that of handing over elections to the guy who came in second.

Obvious and dated.

In his State of the Union address, President Bush talked about the on-going war on terror saying, " The al Qaeda terror network that attacked our country still has leaders -- but many of its top commanders have been removed." And replaced by younger, angrier, more energetic orphans.

It was revealed Wednesday that potential jurors fro Michael Jackson's child molestation trial were quizzed about their experiences with "inappropriate sexual behavior," cancer, lawsuits and "people of different races." Incidentally, those were all categories on “Jeopardy!” during last week’s “Tournament of Creepy.”

Kinda like it, and those do sound like category titles on a REALLY weird round. But the connection is too tenuous. Probably would have made the cut during Fountain's 12-a-day period. Ah ... unemployment.

Iraq's leading Sunni Muslim clerics said Wednesday that the landmark elections lack legitimacy because large numbers of Sunnis did not participate in the balloting, which the clerics had asked Sunnis to boycott. So you tell your people to boycott, then you complain that the election was bad because they boycotted. Y’know, Sunni clerics don’t want to hear this, but that’s what we like to call chutzpah.

Bill Clinton was tapped by UN Secretary General Kofi Annan on Tuesday as the UN Special Envoy for Tsunami relief, in hopes that the former President will be able to focus attention on the reconstruction efforts after the media interest has died down. Clinton accepted the job over the phone, but the connection was bad and he was disappointed to learn an hour later that he was not the Special Envoy for Poonani Relief.
Actually, I like this one. Think I'll use it on Fountain after all.

Bill Clinton was tapped by UN Secretary General Kofi Annan on Tuesday as the UN Special Envoy for Tsunami relief, in hopes that the former President will be able to focus attention on the reconstruction efforts after the media interest has died down. Good plan, Kofi, ‘cause the media never takes much interest in what Bill Clinton does.
But I won't be using this one ...

It was revealed Tuesday that a picture of US soldier, who was supposedly captured by insurgents in Iraq, was actually a GI Joe-style doll. In keeping with his policy of never admitting to an error, President Bush vowed not to rest until Cobra Commander was brought to justice.

I actually do think Bush views the world this way, but that's just a little too Gen-Xy, y'know?

Ashton Kutcher will kick off the 2005 NASCAR season by serving as honorary starter for the Daytona 500. Kutcher explained that he is a huge NASCAR fan and an amateur mechanic. Apparently there’s nothing he likes better than getting under the hood of an old wreck.
I may resurrect this one, as it is pretty solid, if a little sledgehammer.

Whoops ... I did put these next two on Fountain ... must've been in a real hurry when I copied and pasted this in ...

Senator Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that a fainting spell she suffered might have come from food poisoning that she may have picked up at an expensive Westchester County hotel. That’s funny, ‘cause Bill also recently got sick from something he picked up in a hotel.

A Swiss company has launched a new drink aimed at homosexuals called "Queer Beer." They were going to make one aimed specifically at lesbians, but the name “Busch” was already taken.

Jennie Garth will reunite with her Beverly Hills, 90210 co-star Luke Perry, when he makes a guest appearance on her WB show "What I Like About You,” or, as Garth and Perry have taken to calling it, “What I Hate About My Thirties.”
Shrug ... I've actually heard people speak highly of the show, so the jokes doesn't work, anyway.

North Korea is telling men in the country to cut their hair to conform to "socialist style," which is no longer than two inches. Good, because the one problem with Korean men is that they just don’t look enough alike.
Geez? Was I paying no attention at all to what I put here. This one is totally a keeper. A little offensive? Yes, but I've heard plenty of Asians make this same joke.

Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe has agreed to give evidence against the signer during his child molestation trial, making her the only prosecution witness who has never been touched sexually by Michael Jackson.
Used this one, too, didn't I .... d'oh.

A judge New York state reinstated criminal charges Wednesday against New Paltz mayor Jason West, who got in trouble for marrying same sex couples last year. I dunno, throwing a guy in jail for performing gay marriages … isn’t that a little like locking up a kid in a candy store.********************
The asterisks were my note to myself that I thought I could comeback and turn this into something decent, 'cause it rather blows as-is ... never got around to it.


A mysterious "masked shoveler" in Marshfield, Massachusetts single-handedly cleared snow from every driveway and walkway in the city. Geez, thanks Curt Schilling, but enough is enough!

Wouldn't play past Stockbridge.

A noted feng shui master has created a pair of "feng shui" underpants that ward off evil spirits. Good, though the last time I thought I saw an evil spirit, I made a little shui in my own underpants, and it was pretty feng.
No, you didn't see this joke. Move along.

The Kabbalah Center is launching a new Kabbalah energy drink, and they are hoping Ashton Kutcher will be the spokesman for it, because the problem with Kabbalah was that it was just getting too much respect as a mainstream religion.
Hmmm ... this one may ride again, too.

Harry Potter author JK Rowling has warned her fans to watch out for Internet claims to sell electronic copies of her unpublished 6th novel, saying that they are just trying to steal bank and credit card numbers. Of course, the way she said it was something like, “blah, blah, keep your galleons at Gringotts under the watchful eyes of Griphook the Goblin, blah blah blah Quidditch, pip pip cheerio, spoonful of sugar, toodle-oo!”
Maybe this could work if delivered right. But it certainly wasn't one of the ten best I wrote last week, and really doesn't work in print.


Iraq's President Ghazi al-Yawer said Tuesday that it would be "complete nonsense" to ask foreign troops to leave the country now, although some could depart by the end of the year. Hey, look, the beginning and middle of this war were complete nonsense. Why change horses now?
Yawn.

Iraq's Interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said Monday that Sunni Arabs should be given a meaningful role in forming a new government, despite their large-scale boycott of Sunday's election. Inspired by this, Bush is reaching out to Americans who boycotted our own election, and has been hanging out with some stoned coffee shop workers who could have sworn their buddies told them election day was Wednesday.
This could work ... poor execution of a pretty good concept. Not sure if this could work without a lot of words, though, and that's often my problem.

While Iraq's election received most of the attention Sunday, Saudi Arabia had their first nationwide ballot for municipal council. Poor Saudi Arabia, never the top headline. You provide 15 of the 19 9/11 hijackers, but we invade Iraq. You must feel like the RC Cola of the Middle East.
I do like this one -- enough to do research to see how many of the hijackers were Saudi. But it's not really a joke.


A female stripper mauled by a tiger in an Ontario safari park has won 650,000 dollars in damages because her scars meant that she could no longer make money as an exotic dancer. She is currently pursuing a career as a colander.
Hee hee ... okay, it's just for me, but it makes me giggle.

It was reported that Lara Flynn Boyle got drunk on flight from London, flashed her breasts tried to climb into bed with a male passenger. Wait … Lara Flynn Boyle has breasts?
Um ... NEXT!

A former American Army sergeant who worked as an Arabic interpreter at Guantanamo Bay detention center has written a book on the ways female interrogators used Muslim religious views of women to prepare them for interrogation, including sexual touching, displays of fake menstrual blood and parading in revealing clothes. The book is called “The First Five Minutes of the Movie ‘Carrie.’”
Well ... that is basically what the first part of that movie is ...

According to a new study, people with mild to moderate depression can significantly reduce their symptoms if they exercise aerobically. Of course, exercising too much may lead people so deeply into non-depression that they get Richard Simmons-ized.
When I first wrote this, I thought it was a keeper. Perhaps my fondness for, and previous success with inventing new words obscured my vision, but, upon reflection, this is pretty mediocre.


Nebraska's new governor Dave Heineman says that he will use his predecessor's stationery as his own, even though it has someone else's name, because it would be wasteful to not use it. Yet he had no problem throwing away that one set of stationery that spelled his name as Hiney-Man.
I'm sure there's comic potential here ... I dunno ...

It is believed that nearly 60 percent of eligible Iraqis voted in Sunday's election, which is roughly the same percentage of Americans who voted last November. See? Michael Moore’s campaign of buying Iraqis underwear and Ramen Noodles DID help.

Commenting on Sunday's election in Iraq, President Bush said, "The world is hearing the voice of freedom form the center of the Middle East." That voice is, of course, saying, “They tell us if we vote the loud cowboy men will go away.”
Wow, I manage to insult both Iraqi citizens and US servicemen in one fell swoop! Way to go!


President Bush hailed Iraq's election as a "historic achievement," but he also made it cleat that American troops would still be needed to fight insurgents. Then he quickly added, “Plus IranSyriaLebanonAndNorthKorea.”
Perhaps in delivery, but not good enough to submit, definitely not one for print.


Because of concerns over insurgent attacks, most of the foreign observers who were to monitor the balloting, remained in the heavily guarded Green Zone in central Baghdad. Though, of course, the fact that they could get into the zone in the first place puts them one-up on the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Dated, and biased. Go Pats!


A fast-food cook at a New York McDonald's was arrested for allegedly putting glass in the hamburger of a police officer. (Photo of officer Big Mac) The officer was not happy.
I decided from the onset that Fountain would just be words, no visual aides. But, man, any reference to officer Big Mac ...

On Funk & Wagnall’s porch …

In memoriam of Johnny Carson, I thought I’d take a crack at one of his most beloved character bits –- the Great Carnac.



Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, and Tipper Gore.

Name three Desperate Housewives.



Rice Pilaf

What's Donald Rumsefeld's recurring sexual fantasy?



"I Love the Eighties"

What was Anna Nicole Smith's excuse for why she married her last husband?




Polygamy, the Great Salt Lake, and Jeopardy Champion Ken Jennings

Name three things from Utah that leave a bad taste in your mouth.



Iraqi Elections

What's the complaint that drives Chinese men to take Viagra?

(Yeah, I was offended by that one, too … still, I just couldn’t help myself. Would it have been less offensive if it had been someone specific, like Charlie Chan?)



His Kobe beef

What was it that made Shaq want to leave the Lakers?



Susan Storm Richards, Violet from The Incredibles, and Laura Bush

Name three invisible women.



Ronald Reagan stamp

What's that mark still visible on Walter Mondale's ass?



SpongeBob

How would Elizabeth Dole have to do if her husband lost the use of his other arm and couldn’t bathe himself?



Donald Duck

What Donald Rumsfeld do when angry soldiers throw scrap metal at him?



Orlando Bloom

What's the title of the sequel to Ulysses set at Disney World?



Meet the Fockers

What did Ted Kennedy call the hearings for Bush's new cabinet appointees?



Jennifer Love Hewitt

Why does Jennifer watch so many "Mr. Belvedere" reruns?



"Springtime for Hitler"

Describe the long-term scheduling plans for the History Channel.



Kavalier and Clay

What two things do you need to make a sculpted-from-life bust of LeBron James?



I-Pod

What's the title of Tony Gwynne's autobiography?

(I also worry about offending with this one. Is “pod,” like, a really obscure racial epithet? If so, I certainly didn’t intend it to be read that way – he just played for th San Diego Padres, get it?)



The lead actor in a production of David Ives’ ALL IN THE TIMING, an Anson Williams impersonator, and Prince Harry.

Name a guy dressed as Trostky, a guy dressed as Potsie, and a guy dressed as a Nazi.



Burt Reynold's toupee, penicillin, and Karl Rove.

Name a rug, a drug, and a thug.



Ryan Seacrest

What Ryan see in toothpaste aisle?

Well Liked

Some people say there has never been a truly great play written by an American.

Okay, maybe that's true. I don't really know, though I will say that if we're holding, say, Shakespeare up as the ideal, we may be setting the bar a bit high.

I, for one, think Arthur Miller wrote some great plays.

Perhaps only two are masterpieces -- DEATH OF A SALESMAN and THE CRUCIBLE, and those are certainly flawed. But there are quite a few damn solid pieces of sub-masterpiece out there. A well-mounted production of ALL MY SONS, THE PRICE, or A VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE makes for a damn involving evening of theatre.

So in my mind, there is absolutely no doubt that Miller is one of the greatest American playwrights of all time.

Who else would we put in, say, a top ten list (unranked)?

Well ... inarguably ...

Eugene O'Neill
Tennessee Williams

And I would add ...

George S. Kaufman
Thornton Wilder
Lorraine Hainsberry
Neil Simon
August Wilson

And, though I have issues with both, I think many people would include ...

David Mamet
Sam Shepherd

Of course, there's room here for endless debate. There are plenty of people who find Kaufman's humor creaky, Wilder's sentiment too folksy, Hainseberry's flame too brief, Simon's schtick too schticky, Wilson's verbiage too dense, Mamet's masculinity too oppressive, or Shepherd's misanthropy too cynical.

Some would cry, "What about Lillian Hellman? Robert Sherwood? William Inge? Lanford Wilson? Clifford Odets?" Etc.

Well, that's a debate for another time.

But I do think it's pretty much undebatable that Miller is on this list. Really, any list of 20th Century American playwrights that leaves him off isn't worth the bandwidth it's written on.

And I think you could argue, that of the big three -- the three you can't make such a list without -- O'Neill, Williams, and Miller -- Miller is the most truly American.

Yes, O'Neill is probably the greatest, smartest, and most innovative. But, except for a simple matter of geography, I would probably file Eugene O'Neill as a European playwright. His plays, certainly his later, most distinctive ones, read quite Euro to me and in general his attitude towards America was one of the old-world scold. Miller's plays speak to the concerns of modern Americans, even though they're decades old and decidedly period pieces, in ways that O'Neill's do not.

As for Williams ... well, he's easier to love, and he was more a master of playing with your heartstring. But ... okay, I have to tread carefully here to avoid offending. The 20th Century was a masculine one. I'm not saying this is necessarily a good thing. But this was a century of war and empire, of exploration and triumph, all of which wore a veneer of masculine bravado. Would it have been a better century with a greater feminine influence? Without a doubt -- it certainly would have had a lower body count. But it was what it was, and, in particular, the American Century was about the ascendence of the cowboy mentality to the global stage. It was -- or at least it wanted to paint a picture of itself as -- a century of great masculine triumph.

But Williams' were about resigned feminine defeat. The characters slump into tragic, loveless lives, their beauty never appreciated, their potential never fulfilled. This isn't an American ending -- it's Chekhovian, and, unsurprisingly, Williams is hugely popular in Russia right now. Miller, on the other hand, gives us characters who end tragically, but, in death usually find some sort of redemption. They're making a sacrifice to A) maintain their own manhood B) improve things for the next generation. Even if these characters are judged to be wrong for making this choice, they are, in their own mind, fulfilling a particularly masculine perversion of the American Dream -- to die before your children, leaving them happier for it.

(If there's any doubt about the importance of this kind of masculine assertion in 20th Century American Theatre, remember that a similar finding-you-manhood moment takes center stage in the most important play written by an American WOMAN in the century -- RAISIN IN THE SUN)

I'm not sure if there's a more powerful moment in American theatre than John Proctor crumpling up the paper he has just signed at the end of THE CRUCIBLE.

Because what Miller tried to do, which I don't think either of the others tried -- Wilder did, but not O'Neill or Williams -- was to create an American form of tragedy.

It a vast oversimplification to say that classical tragedy is about characters brought down by fate and renaissance tragedy is about characters brought down by tragic flaws ... but you can go a long way analyzing them using that model.

And some people don't care for Miller's use of "society" as the driving force that brings characters to tragic ends. Well, for one, I'm not sure that he does -- Proctor, Willie Loman, Joe Keller, Eddie Carbone and all the rest have commited sins for which they are being punished. But, if we assume for a moment that this stereotype is true, then, yes, it's a little whiny to blame all your problems on "society," but if we look at it as replacing the role of GOD in classical tragedy, then we have a genuinely 20th Century statement. No longer is a vengeful god the force that rules our lives, that we must pay homage to, that we must fear and adore -- rather, our new god is one of our own creation, the society that we have built, that we comprise.

So that, and many other reasons, are why I'm mourning Arthur Miller today.

Here's one of the others -- he was here for it all. He saw the beginning and end of the American century. And he was there to chronicle it for us, all the way along. Sure, some works were more successful than others. But with his passing, an era in American Theatre is gone forever.

I don't doubt that great 21st Century playwrights will rise and find new ways to thrill us. A few will produce works better than the best of Arthur Miller.

But the vast majority will not.

I wrote a play once -- not a very good one -- called THE LAST GREAT ONE.

And he truly was. Arthur Miller was the last great one.

Thank you sir.

Because ...

... she has, on occasion, called people "Bucklehead"

... she is endlessly amused when I sing "the words" to wordless TV themes like "Alias" and "ER"

... she has developed "an impression" of Jessica Walters yelling "Buster" on "Arrested Development"

... she finds it hysterical when we have to drag heavy luggage up stairs

... after seeing THE FULL MONTY on Broadway, she became convinced that penises were a key element to all good theatre

... she once paused while reading a travel guide to yell out "Rick Steves is awesome!"

... she insists that the phrase "have your cake and eat it, too" implies a second cake in a fridge

... we once knocked our foreheads together both trying to dodge the same 3-D illusion while watching the Honey, I Shrunk the Audience presentation at Disneyland.

... she usually lets me finish her crust when we have pizza

... she refers to a favorite Thai dish as "ass burn"

... she occasionally thinks that it would be fun to be a little tiny person jumping up and down on her hair

... she wants me to finish that weird DUTCH COURAGE OF AMERICAN AMY play I was writing, so it can be bought by Hollywood and filmed in Amsterdam and we can live there for a while (but she thinks I should cut the puppets and have the statue talk)

... she was still crying about an hour later after she saw The Notebook

... she took me to Denmark, Germany, Austria (sort of), The Czech Republic, The Netherlands, Great Britain, and France all in one calendar year

... we both agree that tomatoes are bossy

... she has actually come close to licking the screen when Colin Firth appears on television

... she gets nervous walking upstairs ahead of me that I might pinch her buttocks, like her mother used to do

... she's really really proud of the time she drank a liter of beer in Munich

... of the clappy hands

... after we saw Supersize Me, she got a serious craving for McDonalds

... she thinks Billy Joel's music will unite the world

... she typed up and framed instructions for cleaning the bathroom for the exchange students at her mother's house

... it was her idea to play the post-curtain call "goodbye" song from THE PRODUCERS after the final dance at our wedding reception

... her favorite song is "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

... she always checks to see if an indoor area has a "safe room" with no windows in case the birds go crazy like in the Hitchcock movie

... she thinks Theo Epstein, Conan O'Brien, and Jason Bateman are hot

There are plenty of other reasons, as if these weren't enough. Maybe I'll tell you some of those next Valentine's Day. Maybe they're none of your business.

Excuse me. I have a date.

Giant-Sized!

I will be eulogizing Arthur Miller sometime soon, I promise. Haven't had much solid computer time in a few days.

But I did put this together. Fred started it by running a cartoon of 100 things he loved about comics, circa 1980 or so. Other bloggers have done their own list and who am I not to follow like a sheep.

100 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT COMICS
(And comic strips, and comics-related things)

1. The copy of Bring on the Badguys that used to be at my grandparents’ house

2. The Beano

3. Fred Hembeck

4. Joss Whedon on Astonishing X-Men

5. Essentials Volumes

6. That one perfect moment when Lucy had thrown Schroeder’s piano into the Kite-Eating Tree and Snoopy came in to rescue it.

7. John Byrne

8. What If?

9. Those weird extra powers Superman had back in the Silver Age like “Super-Ventriloquism”

10. Power Pack

11. Peter Porker: The Spectacular Spider-Ham

12. The Legion of Substitute Heroes

13. Bizarro

14. Neal Adams

15. John Romita Sr.

16. Carl Barks

17. The Fastball Special

18. Standing barefoot on hot pavement in the summer to build up calluses on my feet because that could be my first step to super-powers.

19. Not knowing J. Jonah Jameson’s first name

20. The Billy and the Boingers Bootleg collection of Bloom County strips that came with a flexi-record single.

21. Mark’s Remarks

22. Scott Tipton’s Comics 101 Column on Moviepoopshoot

23. Ross Andru

24. The Red Skull as drawn by Jack Kirby

25. Footnotes telling you what issue something the characters are discussing happened in.

26. The old Pro-Files that ran on the Bullpen Bulletins page

27. Letters written by T.M. Maple

28. The Avengers as written by Roger Stern

29. Dr. Doom

30. The feeling I got as an eight-year-old when I saw the latest issue of Secret Wars on the rack.

31. Bouncing Boy

32. Secret Origins

33. Quarter bins … well, they’re all 50-cent bins now

34. Mort Weisinger’s obsession with JFK

35. Roy Thomas

36. The Absorbing Man

37. Issue 51 of The Fantastic Four, “This Man, This Monster”

38. Red Kryptonite

39. The Western Massachusetts Avengers … ahem …

40. Unmaskings

41. Fox Trot

42. Charlie Brown on the pitcher’s mound

43. Stan’s Soapbox

44. Geoff Johns

45. That moment in Sensational She-Hulk #5 where she rips through the pages to get to the end of the book and runs through a fake ad for a back-issue place where the listing for Iron Man just says “Iron Man, Iron Man/Does whatever an iron can/Presses pants really fine/Keeps those pleats right in line/Hey there, there goes the iron man”

46. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

47. Spider-Man on “The Electric Company”

48. “Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

49. Darby Conley

50. Last minute rescues

51. Doonesbury

52. “Great Scott,” “Great Rao,” “Great Caesar’s Ghost,” “Jeepers,” “Holey Moley,” “Holey _____, Batman,” “Suffering Sappho,” “Excelsior,” “Oh my stars and garters,” and “It’s Clobberin’ Time!”

53. Larry Gonick

54. When Linus tells Charlie Brown the real meaning of Christmas

55. Captain Marvel and the Marvel Family

56. Uncle Scrooge’s money bin

57. Those CD-ROMs collection the first 500 issues of The Amazing Spider-Man

58. Lynda Carter

59. Tricking Mr. Mxyzptlk into saying his name backwards

60. The credits in Marvel Comics under Stan Lee

61. Kurt Busiek on Thunderbolts

62. The various Marvel speculations as to what DC stood for -- Distinguished Competition, Dull Comics, etc.

63. The Life in Hell collections I used to read at Peter Wilkins’ house.

64. Don Heck

65. The campy 70s Radioactive Man TV show

66. Adam West

67. Lore Brand Comics

68. Aaron McGruder

69. Don Martin sound effects

70. Joe Schlabotnik

71. The Alex Ross covers to two of the three Crisis on Multiple Earth trade paperbacks.

72. Superman and Batman: Generations

73. Scott Shaw’s Oddball Comics pieces on Comic Book Resources.

74. Superman.ws, the Superman Through the Ages website

75. Teri Hatcher’s nostrils

76. Imaginary stories

77. Gerry Conway

78. That one issue of Solo Avengers where the Vision went on “The Tonight Show” and interrupted William Shatner singing “Mr. Tambourine Man”

79. Sue Dibny (RIP)

80. That issue of the Quantum Leap comic book where Al and Sam just sat around on a porch, talking.

81. Finding two New Yorker cartoons where you could switch the captions and it wouldn’t make any difference.

82. Max Fleischer Superman cartoons

83. John Williams’ theme to Superman: The Motion Picture

84. LITTLE ABNER, the musical.

85. Family dinners when I was four or five when Dad would tell me about comics he read as a kid.

86. Helen Slater in the Supergirl costume

87. Feeling superior to people who don’t know that Spider-Man has a hyphen

88. Neal Adams’ updated costumes for Green Arrow and the Angel

89. That newsletter Abe and I got from Kenner when we saved up enough proof-of-purchase tags from Super Powers action figures and joined the fan club.

90. “Batman: The Animated Series” and all it has wrought.

91. The “Trial of the Flash” storyline.

92. Franklin Richards

93. George Perez

94. The Dread Dormammu as drawn by Steve Ditko

95. Asterix and Obelix

96. Mechanical webshooters

97. Capes mom sewed for us, and the Dr. Doom costume she made me for Halloween 1984.

98. Jerry Siegel

99. Robot duplicates

100. Knowing the secrets that Clark, Bruce, Diana, Peter, Hal, Barry, Tony, Steve, and all the rest share with almost nobody else in the world, and knowing -- as we all did as kids -- that somewhere out there, this is all true.

The Devil You Don't Know

Try as hard as they might, my aunts and uncles could never convince my grandfather to watch "Room 222."

Their reason for thinking he'd like it was the same reason he knew he wouldn't: it was about his life.

No, he'd never really taught in a mostly-black inner-city setting. But he'd done plenty of time teaching high school. And that meant he had no interest. Partly he just had no interest in coming home from doing something and then watching it. Of course, in general, he didn't watch much TV and never has, except for football ... though for a while, his fondness for Whoopi Goldberg's humor had him making the first few minutes of "Hollywood Squares" appointment TV.

But I find this a lot. Many doctors don't watch "ER," and those who do always tell me how they get stuff wrong. Well, they get, say, treatments right -- when they shout "20 cc's of diaglucosimide," it's usually accurate. But they get the other stuff -- hospital politics, relationships, etc. wrong.

But still, I find it a little surprising that they always seem to get theatre wrong.

Didn't these people -- actors, writers, directors -- work in theatre at some point? Not Broadway, they probably didn't, and I wouldn't know what's right and what's wrong anyway. No, I mean little plays -- like school plays, community and regional theatre. Are there really creative people in Hollywood who didn't sing in the chorus in THE SOUND OF MUSIC in 10th grade? Who weren't a squirrel in a kindergarten SNOW WHITE?

And if they weren't ... their kids aren't doing them now?

So why do they always get them so terribly, terribly wrong? This is my beat, after all. I know a thing or two about this.

For one thing, I've said this before, but why does every school play in a movie or TV seem to have a 70 thousand dollar budget? Who is building these sets and stitching these costumes? You remember what school plays were like -- cardboard sets, kids wearing their fathers' bathrobes, etc. I think it's just runaway hubris -- you hire a professional art director to design this stuff and of course you'll get things that look like professional art direction.

You know what else really bugs me? When they show people in rehearsals wearing nearly full costumes. Look, sometimes people will wear a rehearsal skirt, shoes, or a jacket ... may a corset or something if the costume will require something odd to affect movement. But there's really no reason to have somebody cavorting around in full costume while he still has a script in his hand.

But, as much as this annoys me, it's just dressing. I understand that audiences need to be spoon fed ... or at least we think they do. One of the reasons I love Waiting for Guffman is that it gets everything right ... well, with a satirical overemphasis, sure, but just about all of us have been in a show very much like RED WHITE AND BLAINE.

But what really gets in my craw is when a plot point hinges on a fundamental lack of understanding of the world.

I first noticed this on an episode of "Ed." "Ed" frequently irritated Amanda with stuff like this. They had a few episodes that hinged on academic matters -- her field -- and they always blew it. Like, one episode had characters tying themselves in knots over a kid who had a shot at big time academic scholarships worrying about not getting into college because PE was ruining his GPA. Like one afternoon of phone calls to Harvard and company couldn't take care of that.

The "Ed" episode that offended me with its sheer lack of logic involved the family of a young black kid suing the school because he wasn't cast as Abraham Lincoln in a play. Did anybody bother to tell them that schools do color blind casting all the time? I think most school theatre directors would love the mildly subversive irony of casting an African American Lincoln.

Okay, maybe in a town in Ohio, where "Ed" was set, they aren't quite progressive enough to go for that. I doubt it, but maybe.

But I can guarantee you ... GUARANTEE you, that there is not a school in Massachusetts that would refuse to cast a black girl as the title role in ANNIE. Yet that very issue was at the heart of an episode of "Boston Legal" a few months ago.

Look, the politics of Massachusetts school theatre directors probably skews about 90-10 liberal. The only reason somebody might hesitate to cast an African American Annie -- and I believe the show established that the girl could act and had a great voice -- would be if he or she HAD to cast a white Daddy Warbucks and worried about telling a story of a rich white man "saving" a poor black girl. Even then, I think most people wouldn't worry about it.

SIDEBAR: Man, is ANNIE a lame show. There is so much good dramatic potential in the character of Little Orphan Annie. Remember how much Ralphie loved her in A Christmas Story? She's one of the great little-girl adventurers of all time. But for some reason, they chose to use none of that and do a generic "Cinderella" remake. Hey, "Cinderella's" a great story, but why buy the rights to Little Orphan Annie and then create something that misses everything that makes her special? Oh, and the music sucks too.

Anyway I didn't see that episode of "Boston Legal." Maybe they had more complicated reasons than my simplified summary assumes. But probably I'm right and they're stupid.

I know I'm right about a recent episode of "Desperate Housewives" that featured a subplot about Felicity Huffman's character working on a private-elementary school production of LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. She was shocked and offended that the evil mom who ran these things was going to change the script (which appeared to be a published edition) so that wolf wasn't really evil and didn't get killed by the hunter in the end.

I have worked on three different versions of LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD -- played the wolf once, assistant-directed the second, and directed the third. The first play I ever saw, when I was two years old, the play that got me hooked on theatre, was LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.

And none of them have the wolf die in the end. Only one of the four had a villainous wolf and that one went out of its way to make him look goofy, stupid, and non-threatening. In fact, I would wager that there is not a published version of the play available in this country that plays the story straight. (INTO THE WOODS doesn't count, since it's not geared specifically for kids)

Why don't any scripts do "the real story"?

Well, because there's no surer way to freak out an audience of four-year-olds, and make sure your school or theatre gets bombarded with nasty letters, than to put an evil wolf on stage and have him successfully consume people.

(And, oh, there isn't any one "real version" of the story ... early ones have Red getting eaten and staying eaten and the wolf gets away with it ... SLEEP TIGHT, KIDS!)

Incidentally, if I were ever to write a LITTLE RED, I'd probably want to play it pretty close to the bone, mostly just to resuscitate Little Red Riding Hood as a hero. Most of these "the wolf is really the good guy" ones make her the bad guy and even the "just plain goofy" ones make her inane and insignificant.

But my point ... the writers of "Desperate Housewives" should have known better and I'm smarter than everyone.

... That is kinda the point of all these entries.

Holy C BS

Hi, Cardinal Gianelli? Hi there, your holiness ...

"Your excellency"? Okay, sure ... sorry, I don't know all the terms.

Look, anyway, it was great of you to take my call. Did your secretary explain where I was calling from? Oh ... she was a nun? Funny, she sounded hot.

So I was very sorry to hear about the Holy Father's recent illness. How's he doing by the way.

Hey, that's great, he's a real trooper, that guy, huh?

Uh huh ... yeah ... so, um, listen, this whole flu business has kinda brought up some questions. I mean, the old man can't hang in there forever, right? Yeah, it's a sad thought, but some day you're going to need to start thinking replacement, right?

So ... well, let me cut to the chase, your excellency. Are you familiar with Reality television?

Great! Well, then, you may know some of the shows my company produces -- "America's Next Top Yodeler," "Pimp my Bride," "Extreme Makeover: Retirement Home Edition," ... "You Don't Look Like my Mommy?"

None of them ... okay.

Anyway, well, the gist of it is this ... when the Pope poops out ... sorry, sorry ... when he cashes in his beads, we would very much like to do a reality show that follows the process of finding his replacement.

Uh huh ... uh huh? Gee, I didn't know all that. White smoke, huh ... that sounds festive. Y'know, red smoke would show up better on camera ... yeah, yeah, no, we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

Really ... secret council, closed to the outside huh? How long has that been going on. 2000 years? And you don't think it's time for a change?

Please, please, just hear me out. It's a very simple premise. We just take the top candidates for the job ... you would want to pick them? What, have people been sending in tapes?

Okay, yeah, that sounds okay, but we'd probably like to throw in a couple of our own people, just to mix it up ... oh, you know. Sassy gay, finger-snapping cardinal. Bitchy black woman. ... How about a midget? You ever have a midget Pope?

Anyway, then every week, we put them through some challenges ... you know, convert a few heathens, bless some lepers, sell some Pope t-shirts on the streets of New York, y'know. Then every week we eliminate somebody.

Now, here's the best part ... we can do this before the pope dies, like he's hand-picking his own successor. Uh huh. So he gets to decide who to eliminate every week. We've got this killer idea for how he should do it -- just take that "bless you" gesture he does, sharpen it up a little, and add a catchphrase. How does "You're Excommunicated" sound?

Really ... that's what "excommunicated" means? Huh ... well, we can't use "you're fired," Trump has that copyrighted.

Wait, wait ... oh, c'mon, believe me, you don't want to pass on this just like that. This is the opportunity of the millennium for the church.

At least hear some of the titles we've come up with ...

"Who Wants to be the Pope?"

"My Big Fat Obnoxious Holy Father?"

"The Apprentice Pontif?"

"Vatican Idol?"

Hello ... hello?

This is TDS ...

I did "All-Star" casts for "Saturday Night Live" and "Law & Order" a while back and I wanted to do some more, but there aren't that many shows with rotating casts, y'know? Then I realized I hadn't done one of my favorites. This was gonna be a THOT, but then it got too long and I decided to promote it ...

"The Daily Show" All Star Cast

Anchor: Jon Stewart ... Rather obvious, of course. Kilborn was okay, and was believable as a newsman in a way Stewart isn't (odd, considering Kilborn often dressed more casually). But, seriously, Jon Stewart runs rings around Craig Kilborn. Smarter, funnier, more insightful ... he's a force for good where Kilborn flirted with not-good here and there.

(Interestingly, I found myself thinking wistfully of some of the stock bits the show had in the Kilborn days that have faded away. Things like "A Moment for Us," and, more importantly, "What Have We Learned Today?" They were fun, and the latter helped sum up the program and gave you a reason to stick around after the last commercial. Of course, they don't need these things anymore, because they have a much better host who doesn't need little formulas to fill up a broadcast. Still ...)

Correspondents:

Stephen Colbert: One of the funniest men on TV.

Steve Carrell: Man, I miss him. His befuddled bluster was a great counterpoint to Colbert's unblinking self-assuredness, especially, of course, in the old "Even Steven" segments.

Beth Littleford: I'm not sure if anyone else has ever done sincere insincerity half as well.

A. Whitney Brown: I may be remembering his "Big Picture" commentaries on "Weekend Update" too fondly, but he was awfully good on "TDS" as well. Had an "elder statesman" quality which no one else has duplicated, though Colbert is coming close.

Commentary: Lewis Black ... Sure, rather than Frank DeCaro, of course. Yeah, he always looks like he's about to have a heart attack, but after he gets through with a "Back in Black," you kinda wonder why we aren't all that close to snapping, in today's world.

You?

THOTS: My Killer Robot ...

Gee, is it time for another THOTS entry already? How time flies.

So, I am going to change the look of the blog sometime. Honest.

For now, all I've done is remove Jessi Klein's blog from the links bar. It was really only an election thing.

Okay ... off to the races ...

If you really need to ask if I'm excited about the prospect of an Oilcan Boyd comeback, you clearly don't know me very well.

Is it weird that having Netflix envelopes on my coffee table makes me feel more like a grownup?

I've seem some ads for what VH-1 is promoting as "Celebreality," meaning their lineup of shows like "The Surreal Life," and "Strange Love: Brigitte and Flav" (a show that I might watch if you threatened to torture my family, but otherwise, I'll pass, thanks). I think we might be reaching the point where the word "celebrity" has lost all meaning. After all, do we really "celebrate," say, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton? No, we can barely stand them. We grudging accept that they will occupy some space in our brains. So I would like to propose a new term. Since we really just tolerate these people, how does "tolebrity" sound?

People talk about them all the time, but I don't think I've ever actually seen, let alone eaten a cream puff.

Y'know, the Thing, from the Fantastic Four, is often shown smoking cigars, but could he really light a match with those big thick stone fingers of his? Maybe that's why he hangs around with the Human Torch ...

I don't know if the Mets will field a competitive team next year, but they certainly win the "hot wife" sweepstakes. And yes, since I find Mike Piazza's "George-W.-Bush-has-restored-pride-and-dignity-to-a-tarnished-White-House" politics so distasteful, as I find anything associated with "traditional values," it makes me really, really happy that every heterosexual man in the country has seen his fiancee naked.

I've seen it work once or twice, sure, but somebody really needs to convince me that long-form improv comedy is anything other than self-indulgent masturbation.

Calvin Trillin I Ain't
DO NOT TRY TO SUSS OUT ANY ACTUAL MEANING FROM THE FOLLOWING PARODY OF "LITTLE MISS MUFFET" THAT I WROTE DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS ON "LOST"
Elected on morals, he rests on his laurels
And lets all the Kurds slip away
Then along comes al Qaeda
And sits down beside-a
And SpongeBob turns all our kids gay.

I'm not saying you have to visit Spamusement! I'm just saying that if you don't, you are, in the words of Lore Sjoberg, whose blog directed me there, a godless couchfuck.

Trivial Pursuit is advertising their new 90s edition as covering "Tammy Faye to Y2K." But wasn't Tammy Faye Baker an 80s phenomenon? And, by definition, wasn't Y2K not the 90s?

Look, when I said I was glad the Anaheim Angels were thinking of become the Los Angeles Angels again, I never said anything about endorsing this ridiculous "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" name. Why not just start calling teams "Cingular Wireless Presents the Milwaukee Bucks" or "The New York City, State, and (Unofficially) County Yankees."

This is more of a Rejected Joke Day thing, but did anyone see that "The Daily Show" used the same basic "Mary Todd Lincoln was Abe Lincoln's REAL 'beard'" joke that I wrote a few weeks back? Theirs was a quicky throwaway which got little to no reaction, but I was still quite pleased to think I'd written a "TDS"-caliber line.

My favorite t-shirt I've seen in a long time: "My Killer Robot Skull-Fucked Your Honor Student."

Something my father predicted already seems to be coming true: the weird helmet/mullet that Jerry Seinfeld sported during most of the run of "Seinfeld" already looks more ridiculous than the deliberately absurd hairstyle Kramer wore.

I don't dislike her. Yeah, her music isn't my style, but dippy teen pop has always been a part of rock and roll. We all need to have some bubblegum act we loved as kids, mocked as teens, and remember wistfully as adults. She has always seemed to carry herself with reasonable charm and wit when I've seen her on TV, with the obvious exception of the clip played in Fahrenheit 9/11. And yes, I do find her attractive, or at least I did a few months ago -- I have no idea what's going on now. But I will never forgive her for the following: I now cannot listen to the opening track on Sergeant Pepper's, where they introduce Ringo's character to sing "A Little Help from my Friends," without thinking "Let me introduce to you, the one and only Britney Spears."

I can't remember the last time I had the flu. So how come professional athletes, who are theoretically in tip-top condition, seem to get it all the time?

Abe does these things called "Fun-Flations," where he squishes two words together. For instance, and Iraqi actor might be an "Iractor." One of my favorites is "snacktivity," which is Abe's term for snacking that requires some combination of actions. His favorite is edammame, the activity part being the salting and opening of the pods. Mine would probably be dunking cookies in milk. You?

It was really quite recently that I learned that it was "sealing wax," not some sort of wax you apply to your ceiling.

You know what seriously needs to be released on DVD? The old "Max Headroom" TV show. In general, people are not sufficiently nostalgic for Max Headroom. Was he even discussed on either edition of "I Love the Eighties"?

Amanda and I saw a woman on the subway whose dry-cleaning bag said the place offered "Stain Identification Analysis." First of all -- do you really need the source of stains identified, if you aren't actively prosecuting the President? Secondly, doesn't that sound like the lamest "CSI" ripoff ever? "SIA: Milwaukee" this fall on UPN!

Now, I know who Frank Miller is, and I know why it's important that the film Sin City is based on his work. But do enough moviegoing people know, and, more importantly care, to make it worthwhile to put his name above the title on all the posters?

Yes, I'll admit it. I kind of miss the Arch Deluxe.

And in the end ...

It was a pretty satisfying game. Not the thriller of the past two Pats wins ... yet, oddly, the same margin of victory.

So, yeah, you can't help but feel a little blase, and yes, fans of every other team have every right to hurl garbage at me for feeling that way.

Sorry.

I bet I'd feel more psyched about this if I were still in Boston. If I'd been assaulted by radio and TV about this game for two weeks, if I could've headed down to the Fenway area to check out the madness that BU would have been putting on.

As it is ... I watched a mediocre "Simpsons" and the preview of that "American Dad" show, which seems to be as much of a misguided "Family Guy" knockoff as "Family Guy," at its worst, is a misguided "Simpsons" knockoff ... then I went to bed.

I had the odd experience of having to text-message score updates to Abe, whose cruel NYU taskmasters forced him to work tech for a show during the game. Seems odd to me, it's not like you'll draw much of a crowd. But sending Abe the messages was rather fun, though having my cell out at all times tempted me to play the videogames on it during dull parts in the game ...

And when your team is in a championship game, you should never feel like there's a dull moment.

Dammit ... I suck.

Action Jacksonville

All right ... Super Bowl Sunday! Coming up! Woo!

Woo!

Seriously ... woo.

Man am I afraid of getting blasé. That would so totally chomp. I need to keep reminding myself that there are 32 franchises in this league. Plenty of devoted fans have never once gotten to see "their" team in the big game, let alone five times, three times in the last four seasons, and twice seen them win in spectacular, thrilling fashion. As a fan -- albeit a casual one -- of the New England Patriots, I am supremely privileged to get to see my team excel like this, in ways no team has ever done before.

I dunno. Maybe living in New York and not having much time for TV or radio is leaving me out of the loop. This time a year ago, I had plenty of free time to read articles and watch previews. Stupid employment.

But come Sunday, I will be there, an array of unhealthy snacks before me, rooting like a sunuvagun for Belichick and the Brady Bunch.

FUN FACT: Did you know Noah is the first person EVER to make a joke connecting Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady and the situation comedy "The Brady Bunch" (1969-1974)?

But I wonder ... what if the Pats lost? I think they have an edge, and I really want them to win ...

But let's imagine they lose. How do I feel?

Bummed, of course. But clearly I couldn't possibly feel as bummed as I would if, say, the Sox had lost the World Series this year.

Incidentally, have I mentioned that the fucking Boston Red Sox WON THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES THIS YEAR?

Ahem ... sorry, still living large on that one.

Anyway, so in this scenario, the Pats lose and I'm bummed. But am I also slightly relieved? Do I feel somewhat glad that people won't start complaining that the Pats' excellence is taking the fun out of the game? Like they feel like no other team stands a chance?

As I've said before, I really worry about the Pats turning into the Yankees. And, if I were a Jets, Bills, or Dolphins fan, I might feel the same way I, as a Sox fan, feel about the Yankees (or did until recently).

Though there is a difference. Nobody talks about the Pats as the best assemblage of players in the league. I think some people would probably list Adam Vinatieri as the best kicker in the game, but otherwise ...

So it's not like Kraft has been pulling a Steinbrenner and buying up every available free agent (though they've made some excellent pick-ups), to put essentially an all-star team on the field. The NFL is, of the four major sports, the one with the closest thing to parity -- sure, tell the Dolphins that, but football is a lot closer to 32 evenly-matched teams than, say, baseball is to 30.

So, in this time, when, theoretically, every team starts September with an equal chance to make the postseason, how are the Pats so unbeatable?

You've heard it all before -- teamwork, good coaching and planning, etc.

And I think that puts them in that rare category of teams who you just can't dislike, despite their success.

No, the Sox aren't in that category. People didn't like them because they were so good, they liked them because they were so good AND they had a great story ... lets see if people are quite as big on them if they win two more World Series in the next few years.

So who is? Well, I think the '95-'96 Chicago Bulls (or was it '96-'97 -- Jordan, Pippen, Rodman year). The first Olympic Dream Team, probably. Maybe the 2000 Seattle Mariners ...

Other than that, I think it's really players, not teams, who can win you over -- in their primes, even if they were kicking your favorite's ass, it was hard to dislike Jordan, Wayne Gretsky, or Tiger Woods.

So maybe that's the Pats' secret -- they have a team personality. Rooting for them feels like you're rooting for not just a bunch of upstanding guys, but for, essentially, ONE UPSTANDING GUY.

Am I making any sense, or am I making the New England Patriots sound like the Borg?

Anyway ... go Pats.

Some other Super Bowl thoughts ...

I love the knots people have to tie themselves in because the phrase "Super Bowl" is copyrighted and can only be used in certain authorized, or fair-use scenarios. Like, in Any Given Sunday, when the "Miami Sharks" talk about winning "The Pantheon Cup." (I love all the fake, and not-quite-believable names in that movie -- the Chicago Rhinos, the New York Emperors, the California Crusaders, the Albuquerque Aztecs.) You've all heard ads that talk about "the big" game without mentioning its actual name, or radio stations offering giveaway tickets to Jacksonville for "you know what." I guess the concern is that just about ANYBODY could start to have, say, "A Super Bowl of Savings at Mattress Discounters" and so forth.

One of the arguments they're using for this highly unwise West-Side Stadium proposal here in Manhattan is that New York could host the Super Bowl someday. Man, is that a bad idea. I know that Detroit will be hosting one soon, so there will be a precedent for a cold-weather city. But it's still a dreadful idea. The tourism boost from a Super Bowl is based not just on the game itself, but from the week-long frenzy of partying in the streets. It's just not fun to do that in Northern states in late January or early February -- as I bet the Detroit game will prove. Besides, you're seriously going to build a domed stadium for the Jets? Such a bad idea. The Jets are a cold-weather team, okay?

Prediction: Patriots 28, Eagles 24.

Bathroom Humor

A dorm hallway. Outside the bathroom. A recycling bin next to the door.

DAN is standing outside it, holding shoes in his hands, wrapped in brown paper towels. JAKE comes by, looking like he plans to go in.

DAN
Oh, Jake, don't go in there.

JAKE
What? Why not?

DAN
Broken glass on the floor.

JAKE
Oh ... that sucks.

DAN
Yeah.

JAKE
Is somebody going to make a sign or something?

DAN
Yeah, you know Mike, my roommate.

JAKE
Yeah, he's in my English class. He's making one?

DAN
Yup.

JAKE
And he asked you to stand guard while he made it?

DAN
Yup.

JAKE
Okay, so I should go back to my room and put on some shoes.

DAN
No, no. Don't do that.

JAKE
Why not?

DAN
You'll get glass shards in your treads and you'll track them all over the floor.

JAKE
Oh, yeah ...

DAN
Then somebody else'll come along with bare feet.

JAKE
Gotcha. Gotcha.

DAN
Why do you think I'm holding my shoes like this? I walked in there and found the broken glass.

JAKE
Well, could I borrow your shoes?

DAN
What?

JAKE
I mean, since they already have glass in them.

DAN
Yeah, I don't want them to get more glass in them, though.

JAKE
Okay.

DAN
Why don't you just go down to the girl's floor? They have guys in their bathroom all the time.

JAKE
Yeah, but, uh ...

DAN
Oh, Kate?

JAKE
Yeah, it's just weird between us since the breakup.

DAN
I understand. Okay, you could go up to the fourth floor.

JAKE
I'm gonna climb a flight of stairs just to go to the bathroom.

DAN
Hmm ... yeah.

JAKE
Yeah.

DAN
I understand your dillemma.

JAKE
Yeah.
(Pause.)

DAN
Boy. Mike takes forever to make a simple sign.

JAKE
Is he, like, doing it special on his computer?

DAN
Yeah, probably.

JAKE
Yeah, he's always handing in papers in colored fonts with plastic covers and stuff.

DAN
Sounds like Mike.

(Pause.)

JAKE
This sucks, 'cause I really have to go.

DAN
Hey, y'know what, I think Mike has a pair of shoes he was going to throw away.

JAKE
Oh, so I could wear those in the bathroom and then toss them.

DAN
Without scattering any glass.

JAKE
Yeah.
(Pause.)
Yeah, that could work.
(Pause.)
Okay, so how do we make this work.

DAN
Well, could you take over waiting here and warning people.

JAKE
Uh uh?

DAN
Then I go back to the room and tell Mike to bring the shoes when he brings the sign.

JAKE
Oh! Yeah, sure, okay. Mike won't take long, will he?

DAN
How much longer could he take?

JAKE
Yeah, I guess.

DAN
Okay, see you.

JAKE
See you.

DAN goes.

Long pause.

SOME GUY walks by.

DAN
Oh, don't go in. Broken glass on the floor.

GUY nods. He grabs an empty soda bottle from the recycling bin and, as he walks off, unscrews the cap.

Another long pause.

KATE enters.

KATE
Oh. Hi Dan.

DAN
Hi Kate. Look, don't use this bathroom, there's broken glass on the floor.

KATE
Seriously? Oh my god, there's broken glass in the bathroom on my floor, too.

DAN
What, you think we have, like, a serial glassbreaker?

KATE
Yeah, it's probably a serial glassbreaker.

DAN
Okay, do you have a better explanation?

KATE
I really don't want to fight about this.

DAN
Right.

KATE
So what are you doing here.

DAN
I'm waiting for a guy to bring a sign.

KATE
Who?

DAN
Mike?

KATE
Which Mike?

DAN
Mike who lives with Jake.

KATE
Oh. Jake-Mike.

DAN
Yeah.
(Pause.)
So are you going to go up to the fourth floor?

KATE
I dunno. Is there going to be broken glass there, too?

DAN
I dunno. Looks that way.

KATE
Why don't you go up and find out.

DAN
I have to guard the door.

KATE
I could guard the door.

DAN
Well why don't you go up to the fourth floor?

KATE
Hey I came up here from the second floor. Why should I have to climb two flights of stairs.

DAN
Oh my god, Kate ... okay, no ... no, we had enough of these fights when we were dating. We don't need to have one now.

KATE
So you're going to go up the fourth floor?

DAN
No.

KATE
This is so typical of you Dan. Anything that requires just a little bit of extra effort ...

DAN
Okay, fine, I'll go. Fine.

DAN goes.

Pause.

SOMEBODY comes by.

KATE
Broken glass.

SOMEBODY turns on their heel and goes.

MIKE enters, carrying a sign and a pair of old shoes.

MIKE
Kate.

KATE
Hey, Jake-Mike.

MIKE
How are you doing?

KATE
Good ... you know, my roommate is back home tonight ...

MIKE
Really?

KATE
You want to ...

MIKE
Sure.

They leave together.

SOMEBODY ELSE comes by and goes into the bathroom. A loud SHRIEK is heard inside.

Before we begin ...

Yesterday's entry is updated with comments and one new joke (actually a dialogue).

It seems I may have said something which made it seem like I had some actual role in the planning of Tex's party. Nonononononono. It was entirely Doyne's doing -- with some help from other family. I just showed up and told bad jokes.

How to Succeed in Business While People Accuse You of Not Trying

I really can't believe that people I know are rooting for the "Street Smarts" team on "The Apprentice."

Seriously, people, you guys all have degrees. You all worked hard for them. You work at jobs that you are qualified for BECAUSE of your education.

Yet you're all falling for this bullshit that Mark Burnett and NBC are feeding you.

Okay, I haven't watched "The Apprentice" regularly since its first season. I just can't take quite that much racism, sexism, and fawning over a morally and fiscally bankrupt egomaniac with no taste and a marmoset sitting on his head.

From what little I have seen of this season ... seriously, TWO smarmy dorks with bowties? Wasn't Raj enough for all of us for a lifetime in season two? Can I propose that unless you're wearing a tuxedo, sitting in a pit orchestra, or performing as a birthday-party clown, you cannot legally wear a bowtie if you're under the age of 60?

I complained last spring about promos they ran for the first season with Troy saying "BA, MBA, PhD, it's all just B.S. to me." Now, I'm certain that that line was fed to him by the show, and Troy seemed like a nice guy (not an easy feat on reality TV), a decent leader, and a family man. But it was quite telling when Trump -- in a rare moment of good judgement -- chose to "fire" him over Kwame because Kwame had the degree.

See? I know this is shocking to many Americans, but education is actually valuable!

Look, of course we all do, and all should, admire people who have built themselves up from nothing. But admiring them shouldn't prevent us from realizing the value and importance of education. And giving Americans a new squad of anti-education heroes is a disastrously bad idea. Do you ever get the impression that Mark Burnett is an agent for Ernest Blofeld or something?

I think what really bugs me is these clips they show of the "street smart" contestants -- ie ones who have successful businesses despite having no degrees -- saying things like, "I haven't had everything handed to me on a silver platter, like these 'book smart' people."

Yeah, 'cause getting advanced degrees in business from prestigious universities is a real walk in the park. Look, the only people who have had their success handed to them are people who inherit money ... you know, like Donald Trump or George W. Bush.

Please, please, please, could we do away with the idea that education is somehow a way of putting off real life? That it only serves to make people smarmy and self-satisfied? How about this .. education makes you ... educated!

Somehow, this way of thinking -- that educated people are useless and only think they're better than other people -- is so prevelant that we've managed to elect George Bush twice over infinitely more qualified, smart men, who actually took advantage of the educational opportunities before them.

Look, I know we're all Americans and we all root for the underdog. But in George Bush's America, intellectuals are the underdog. Intelligence, education, and thoughtfulness are under attack. Yes, plenty of intellectuals are arrogant pricks who seem to be in love with the sound of their own voices. Yes, plenty of them are so caught up in their ivory tower existence that they don't understand "the real world." You're perfectly free to find them annoying.

But their arrogance is nothing compared to the arrogance of the middle-brow. The real elite in this country is this self-proclaimed majority who deride anything and everything that seems to be an advance into the future. This is dangerous. The American Empire is like a shark. If it doesn't keep moving, it will die. Since it can't move any farther geographically, its only hope is intellectual ascension.

So ... go book smarts!

And please, God, anything at all that could humiliate Trump. Getting caught sodomizing a badger? We all find out he's been funding al Qaeda? Anything!

Rejected Joke Tuesday: I-Can't-Believe-Nobody-Asked-What-Was-Up-With-the-Gorilla-Suit-On-Monday Edition

Before we begin, long time readers might have noticed that I recently dredged up a joke dating from waaaaaaaay back to my very first attempt at joke writing in April. It concerned Michael Jackson jury selection, which is suddenly in the news again. I figured "hey, I never used that joke on Fountain ..." And yes, I know that the "jury of his peers" premise is hoary and hokey, but the phrase "hummingbird nose" makes up for a lot.

Okay, jokes ...

I wasn't happy with the jokes I wrote on Tuesday and Wednesday of the Paul Giamatti week. I actually felt like some of the ones I submitted were weak, and usually I can find five jokes I'm genuinely proud of. (By the way, the jokes I post on Fountain Monday and Tuesday nights immediately after a show are usually the ones I submitted.) They weren't bad, but they weren't great. I do feel like I bounced back for Friday submissions, though. Those were some good jokes. In fact, the jokes about Donald Trump's musical, HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY SUCCEEDING IN BUSINESS, is my favorite joke in a long time.

I think it just fits so perfectly. That's exactly what Trump has done for the past year, and the reconstructed title of H2$ has a great comic rhythm. That said, to understand it you need to have heard of the real play (I think most people over 25 will at least have a glimmer of recognition of the title ... well, most people who are likely to visit the site anyway). It's actually less likely they'd understand what I mean -- as far as most people know Trump is wildly successful. Sigh.

Still, it's a damn good joke.

The episode, incidentally, was the best this season by far. Good political stuff, another great sketch with my favorite new character, Amy Poehler's hyper 'tween. But I give much of the credit to Giamatti. Unlike most hosts this season (Kate Winslet comes to mind as an exception), he really threw himself into it. He came off as prepared, energetic, fearless, and committed. I suppose this isn't shocking, since he is one of the best actors in Hollywood.

Somehow I doubt Paris Hilton will match him ... she didn't even seem fully committed in the sex tape.

Ahem ... not that I've seen the sex tape ...

Jokes ...

Here's one I submitted but couldn't place on Fountain:

AMY: A new study shows that weight loss may be one of the first signs of Alzheimer's disease.

TINA: Oh, speaking of weight loss, did I mentioned I lost five pounds?

AMY: Hey, great, how long did it take?

TINA: (As a befuddled old lady) How long did what take? Where’s Jimmy? Who are you and where have you hidden my new dress? I can’t be late to my own Sweet Sixteen Party!

Yeah, I though that was pretty funny. Not sure if submitting something like this is a good idea at all. They're probably looking for simple stuff which could be dropped in easily. But I was in a situation where I had nothing to lose.

A Romanian man whose last name means "little penis" has given up trying to change it because of the endless red-tape. He told reporters that he feels bad, not for himself, but for his family -- his wife and the little Little Penises.

In his inaugural address, President Bush said "There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, and that is the force of human freedom." “Now get behind those barricades for your cavity search, while we scan your library records to see if you’ve been reading dirty books.”

Insiders say that while President Bush plans to appear at all 9 official inaugural balls, he still plans on being in bed by midnight. Just before Cheney’s head turned into a pumpkin.
This one's okay. Maybe it'll show up.

Elephant handlers in Thailand have started teaching the animals to defecate in a huge toilet. As for teaching the elephants to wipe … well, seeing as they have to hold the toilet paper with their noses, it’s not going so well.
They did one based on this setup. In fact they're punchline, something about giant magazines, was similar to something I was playing with. Anyway, submitting toilet humor seemed risky.

According to a new poll, 27 percent of American teenagers between the ages of 13 and 16 have been with someone in an intimate or sexual way. The other 73 percent just haven’t met Colin Farrell yet.

It was reported that Prince Charles has his son Harry cleaning out the royal pig sties as punishment for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party. Ah yes, the saucy Nazi stable boy who is secretly a prince … somebody’s been reading my fantasy journal!
Probably not wise to suggest these two women I'm so fond of have any sexual fantasies that involve Nazis.

A homeless man in Minneapolis says that he went back to his old high school and posed as a student for three weeks, sitting in on classes, showering in the locker room and sleeping in the theater, though, in his defense, a lot of people have a hard time staying awake during high school productions of “Carousel.”
As I often do, I got hung up on a phrasing in the setup which took me away from the real point of the story. Shows again that I am far too word-based. I need to be more story-based.

Some conservative Christian groups are targeting the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants because they feel he is a gay character. Let me get this straight, for years Disney has made cartoons about two chipmunks who live together and are named after both an interior design store and a male strip club, and you’re going after SpongeBob?
Whew ... long way to go for something that doesn't even make much sense. The show went with a "Dora the Explorer" gag ... but they have visual aids.

Two police officers involved in a videotaped beating of a black teenager that sparked nationwide outrage have been awarded 2.4 million dollars by a Los Angles jury that found they were unfairly disciplined. The money will go a long way to help the officers get over the disappointment they felt that when they cracked open the boy’s skull they didn’t find any candy inside.
Offensive, not funny, and nonsensical ... if this were a Mexican victim, maybe ...

Lawyers in Memphis, Tennessee, who were questioning potential members of a jury, were surprised when one man got and left, saying, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite." But this raises the question … why was Nick Nolte called for Jury Duty in Memphis?
I actually had XXX standing in for the celebrity for a while, because I wasn't sure whom to mock, which goes to show what a hack joke this is. Just substitute any old down-on-his-luck, strung-out celeb!